Rollercoaster
There has been way too much happen over the last week to even start to relate it here. So much that it's one big blur of raw emotion and over-charged thinking. I might get to the main points tomorrow night but I'll warn you now; it ain't good news.
Here's the short list of good news.
A former client, who lives not too far from our place, and who just joined my home group has offered me a room and the main floor of his townhome to furnish as my own. We hit it off when he was in treatment and continue to get on well. He's still early in recovery and had a very brief but recent relapse though.
I dropped my CV off on Saturday to another former client who works in social services. He came to the meeting we were at last night and offered me work counselling a very young addict (14) who is in care of the Children's Aid Society fostering services. In the hours since, he has forwarded some information via email and we're to hash out the details before I head to bed in the morning. It isn't a great deal of money but it's valuable experience and a new direction. Opportunity out of crisis.
I've had to use reading glasses for about the last 10 years and had gotten really sick of putting them on, taking them off, loosing them, finding them. I picked up my first pair of bifocals last week and am really disappointed. My distance vision is better without them; the focus distance for reading is so short and narrow (left to right) that using them is a real struggle. Getting used to them will take some time I think.
Seeing as how we're getting rid of our land-line phoneline, I got a cell phone (too) last week. I've had them before and never got into the habit of using them. I got the latest Samsung model and seem to have finally found one that I like. There is one line on the screen that you can 'personalize' so I punched in the caption - 'Change Is Good'. There's nothing like a little brainwashing each time you open the phone.
Not so good news. Cigarettes have become my very best friends again, dammit! I was maintaining so well for the longest time but this past week did me in and I'm right back to a pack or more a day. They've been my 'time-out', mental health break, respite and energy booster when exhausted and overwrought.
Lynda is now giving me mixed messages which make things even more confusing; that we're to look at this as a separation that we may be able to resolve but she's already started living as though she's single. Not a good thing. That duality doesn't work for me.
And Lynda's drinking pattern has changed - more; more frequently; for longer at a time. Personality changes. Physical impacts. She isn't connecting the dots regarding what she's doing and the path I took.
She took last week off work to help pack and clean and we talked more, about more issues, things that I had no idea were on her mind. Mindblowing. And she says I don't talk enough. Hah! We cried more last week than we have in the 13 years we've been together. And comforted each other, too.
I've been hanging on for dear life to my ideals, values and spiritual connection. I'm no saint but I've been engaging in frequent prayer on a daily basis; applying the Serenity Prayer to specific situations; reading St Francis of Assisi's prayer to remind myself of the sort of person I aim to be. Reading all sorts of perspective pieces so that I can continue to aim high in regard to thought, word and deed. It would be so easy not to........but I couldn't live with the guilt, bitterness and remorse that would cause.
Enough for now; my brain hurts and someone has stolen my heart.
Here's the short list of good news.
A former client, who lives not too far from our place, and who just joined my home group has offered me a room and the main floor of his townhome to furnish as my own. We hit it off when he was in treatment and continue to get on well. He's still early in recovery and had a very brief but recent relapse though.
I dropped my CV off on Saturday to another former client who works in social services. He came to the meeting we were at last night and offered me work counselling a very young addict (14) who is in care of the Children's Aid Society fostering services. In the hours since, he has forwarded some information via email and we're to hash out the details before I head to bed in the morning. It isn't a great deal of money but it's valuable experience and a new direction. Opportunity out of crisis.
I've had to use reading glasses for about the last 10 years and had gotten really sick of putting them on, taking them off, loosing them, finding them. I picked up my first pair of bifocals last week and am really disappointed. My distance vision is better without them; the focus distance for reading is so short and narrow (left to right) that using them is a real struggle. Getting used to them will take some time I think.
Seeing as how we're getting rid of our land-line phoneline, I got a cell phone (too) last week. I've had them before and never got into the habit of using them. I got the latest Samsung model and seem to have finally found one that I like. There is one line on the screen that you can 'personalize' so I punched in the caption - 'Change Is Good'. There's nothing like a little brainwashing each time you open the phone.
Not so good news. Cigarettes have become my very best friends again, dammit! I was maintaining so well for the longest time but this past week did me in and I'm right back to a pack or more a day. They've been my 'time-out', mental health break, respite and energy booster when exhausted and overwrought.
Lynda is now giving me mixed messages which make things even more confusing; that we're to look at this as a separation that we may be able to resolve but she's already started living as though she's single. Not a good thing. That duality doesn't work for me.
And Lynda's drinking pattern has changed - more; more frequently; for longer at a time. Personality changes. Physical impacts. She isn't connecting the dots regarding what she's doing and the path I took.
She took last week off work to help pack and clean and we talked more, about more issues, things that I had no idea were on her mind. Mindblowing. And she says I don't talk enough. Hah! We cried more last week than we have in the 13 years we've been together. And comforted each other, too.
I've been hanging on for dear life to my ideals, values and spiritual connection. I'm no saint but I've been engaging in frequent prayer on a daily basis; applying the Serenity Prayer to specific situations; reading St Francis of Assisi's prayer to remind myself of the sort of person I aim to be. Reading all sorts of perspective pieces so that I can continue to aim high in regard to thought, word and deed. It would be so easy not to........but I couldn't live with the guilt, bitterness and remorse that would cause.
Enough for now; my brain hurts and someone has stolen my heart.
posted by Norm at 4/02/2007 03:13:00 AM
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