On Reflection
I received another thought provoking comment from Robin which she asked me not to post; so I didn't. Something I'd mentioned got her to reflecting and her comment got me thinking. Funny how this works ..... anyway, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my drinking days but it's a valuable 'touchstone' to revisit from time to time and appreciate the differences, disparities and changes between those times and now. Thank God I don't have to live that 'hell on earth' existence anymore so long as I'm willing to do the things necessary for ongoing recovery.
This process has been very much about reclaiming and recreating my life in order to have a life worth living. Lord knows it was pretty damned bleak toward the end. By then everything had been impacted - home life, all my relations, my ability to work and be employable, cognitive ability, emotionally scattered and corrupt, health impacts, finances. About the only thing I escaped was the law - that was by luck not good management. Drinking defined everything about how I spent my time and eventually it defined 'me'. I drank my identity away.
That first year was about rebuilding and it was an 'iffy' proposition; walking on eggshells along a tightrope. You don't want to be distracted from your objective for fear of that long fall, followed closely by the sudden stop. Fear based recovery where you've been close enough to the edge to see what's over there - and you REALLY don't want to have that as your final destination.
It was physical , mental and emotional recuperation. Rebuilding relationships; at home, with kids and parents, extended family and friends. Not an easy thing to do when many thought relapse was an arms length away. Then looking for work in order to maintain a home and repay drinking debts - that took a long time as it was in the thousands. I really couldn't afford myself; I was an expensive date on a daily basis.
The second year was much better in that I'd made it through some challenging life situations and come out the other side sober. Early confidence building sorts of things; walking the walk. Part way through year two I went back to school for addiction studies and I found that I had my mind back. That's a miracle in itself. I was able to learn new material, to recall it, be intuitive and extrapolate conclusions. The more I learn, the more I realize how much more I have to learn and the hungrier I get for knowledge. The interactions with the other students were valuable as we were all ages and backgrounds and it forced me to re socialize on new levels, outside AA.
Year three showed some progress with emotional issues and that process made clear that I was in need of counselling for a couple of specific issues. I sought out that help in a brief focused therapy that lasted 6 sessions; it was pretty intense, very direct. Apparently that help was just a little too late in regard to where those issues overlapped and involved Lynda's and my relationship. I can live with the fact that I acted on what I came to know and attempted to apply those things. Too little, too late...such a cost.
As I close in on the end of another year I can honestly say, despite the fact I'm hurting on some levels, that I'm happy where I'm at and where it counts most...in my own mind. Why? Well mostly because of the ever deepening , widening spiritual system of beliefs I've invested myself of and that is what gives me oversight in everyday situations. I'm comfortable in my present reality and continue to look forward to the future. I've had some stinkin' thinking, some torment going on from time to time but that hasn't come out in word or action - for that I'm grateful as it gives me less to regret.
In re-reading this it sounds pretty serious, sorta heavy but it isn't. Life is good; it's all about change.
**Addendum** Although the obsession to drink left fairly early, cravings remained a problem for some time especially in particularily 'good' and 'bad' times. It was during the second year that it all became much less about alcohol and drinking per se, and became more about the personality changes and landmark moments toward spiritual awakening. Having done the required work and been through many of the changes it has very little to do with drinking any more (except avoidance of picking up the first one). Drinking rarely crosses my mind and I think that to return to that state would be a conscious decision toward death - a suicide move. A lack of caring for life. I opt for life, health and sanity.
This process has been very much about reclaiming and recreating my life in order to have a life worth living. Lord knows it was pretty damned bleak toward the end. By then everything had been impacted - home life, all my relations, my ability to work and be employable, cognitive ability, emotionally scattered and corrupt, health impacts, finances. About the only thing I escaped was the law - that was by luck not good management. Drinking defined everything about how I spent my time and eventually it defined 'me'. I drank my identity away.
That first year was about rebuilding and it was an 'iffy' proposition; walking on eggshells along a tightrope. You don't want to be distracted from your objective for fear of that long fall, followed closely by the sudden stop. Fear based recovery where you've been close enough to the edge to see what's over there - and you REALLY don't want to have that as your final destination.
It was physical , mental and emotional recuperation. Rebuilding relationships; at home, with kids and parents, extended family and friends. Not an easy thing to do when many thought relapse was an arms length away. Then looking for work in order to maintain a home and repay drinking debts - that took a long time as it was in the thousands. I really couldn't afford myself; I was an expensive date on a daily basis.
The second year was much better in that I'd made it through some challenging life situations and come out the other side sober. Early confidence building sorts of things; walking the walk. Part way through year two I went back to school for addiction studies and I found that I had my mind back. That's a miracle in itself. I was able to learn new material, to recall it, be intuitive and extrapolate conclusions. The more I learn, the more I realize how much more I have to learn and the hungrier I get for knowledge. The interactions with the other students were valuable as we were all ages and backgrounds and it forced me to re socialize on new levels, outside AA.
Year three showed some progress with emotional issues and that process made clear that I was in need of counselling for a couple of specific issues. I sought out that help in a brief focused therapy that lasted 6 sessions; it was pretty intense, very direct. Apparently that help was just a little too late in regard to where those issues overlapped and involved Lynda's and my relationship. I can live with the fact that I acted on what I came to know and attempted to apply those things. Too little, too late...such a cost.
As I close in on the end of another year I can honestly say, despite the fact I'm hurting on some levels, that I'm happy where I'm at and where it counts most...in my own mind. Why? Well mostly because of the ever deepening , widening spiritual system of beliefs I've invested myself of and that is what gives me oversight in everyday situations. I'm comfortable in my present reality and continue to look forward to the future. I've had some stinkin' thinking, some torment going on from time to time but that hasn't come out in word or action - for that I'm grateful as it gives me less to regret.
In re-reading this it sounds pretty serious, sorta heavy but it isn't. Life is good; it's all about change.
**Addendum** Although the obsession to drink left fairly early, cravings remained a problem for some time especially in particularily 'good' and 'bad' times. It was during the second year that it all became much less about alcohol and drinking per se, and became more about the personality changes and landmark moments toward spiritual awakening. Having done the required work and been through many of the changes it has very little to do with drinking any more (except avoidance of picking up the first one). Drinking rarely crosses my mind and I think that to return to that state would be a conscious decision toward death - a suicide move. A lack of caring for life. I opt for life, health and sanity.
posted by Norm at 6/12/2007 03:44:00 AM
3 Comments:
Heavy, yeah. But good, too. :)
See what you did, young lady? You get me thinking and that got me writing.
...and no, of course I didn't take it as a lecture. I appreciated that you shared what you did. I need that for incentive.
Thanks for pointing me this way again, Norm. It's a very good post. :)
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