Co-Dependence

I was over having dinner with Lynda before coming to work tonight. Once we were done eating I got into rehashing the conversation of the other night that put me into a tailspin. Telling her how the things she says affect me, restating what my goals for us are, what the 'whys and wherefores' are behind the decisions and choices that are being made. I suppose the one thing that confounds me is that how I think and feel doesn't change; Lynda vacillates and doesn't seem to have her mind made up enough to be consistent from one occasion to the next. Drives me nuts and confuses the hell out of me.

I come away and think about the years we've spent together; how intertwined and involved we've been in every facet of one anothers lives and wonder....how did we get here? Can we recover completely? If we get back together, would it be settling for what is familiar? Easier than struggling to find new lives apart?

Other large issues of relationship and personality come glaring through with all the subtlety of a clown at a funeral. Dependence, co-dependency, rejection and adoption of new beliefs and values, issues tied to finances and status and life roles. They keep clacking at you like dominoes tumbling in an inter-related landslide.

While we continue to spend substantial amounts of time together, there is enough time apart and independent to give perspective. I've just recounted some of the negative ruminations. Friend 'L' advised today to recall the positives especially of the early days and the reasons we wanted to be together to start with. What I recall most vividly of those days is the curiosity, excitement and attraction. Of wanting to know everything about her. The spontaneity; how loose and unstructured it was.

I know I can live fully, completely, happily without her; I just don't wish to. That is so jarringly wrong it's like biting on tinfoil.