All Best Wishes

For the Holiday season and for a great 2007, as well.

I should be getting back to regular contributions here in the near future and am looking forward to catching up on all that been going on with all of you.

Merry Christmas!!

Plans come together

It looks like we'll get some family time after all. Not-so-wee Owen and his parents are coming out on the 23rd and staying until Xmas eve. My 2 other stepsons who live here will be sticking around. An early celebration but best early than not at all.

Mom is leaving Saturday for my brothers place up north for a few days and the details of that trip are arranged. Gotta look after the old girl; she doesn't have the steam she used to.

I work (at least a portion of) Christmas Day and then one of those 26 hour sleep over shifts on Boxing day. With luck the weather will hold and Lynda can make the trip to see her outrageously large family. (She has 5 sisters and 10 brothers, + spouses, nieces and nephews and now their kids.) Hard to keep track of them all.

Yes, the weather. We've had a couple of pronounced cold snaps but they haven't lasted. This last week has been mild enough that the grass is greening up again and some plants are budding. It's confused the hell out of them. Winter wheat is sprouting in the fields, too. Looks like we're in for a green Christmas.

Lynda and I got out to do our first shopping the other night and I was out getting her gifts yesterday. There's some nice stuff in the stores this year.

I'm off - have another full day planned and then it's back to work tomorrow.

A Blessed Event

First off - in my last post I was having quite a day; a very busy-minded day. It continued until about 5 pm when I checked my email inbox and found a message that completely changed my outlook and overall perspective on things. A pause to reflect on all the good life has to offer. What was it???

My daughter Sarah, who recently got engaged, thought she'd been suffering from a prolonged case of the flu. Turns out it ain't the flu - she's pregnant!! I have only the scantest of details; with the time difference we've been having difficulty connecting by phone. So, I haven't a due date or anything as yet. I'm hoping to hear from her tonight and get caught up.

Other than that it's been an incredibly busy week. These last few days filling in for a sick co-worker have been good but draining. Lynda and I have been trying to mix getting some downtime with getting things done around the house and finalizing Christmas plans.

Right now I'm going to spend a bit of time reading up on my fave blogs and see whats new with everyone. Ta!

Too Much Going On

I haven't been near the computer very much at all lately, except to check emails and respond to a few of them.

Good stuff 1) My boss did respond to my proposal and so I'm not on nights this week as scheduled. I'm working day shifts Wed, Thurs and Fri this week. My friend and co-worker JPW is filling in for me for the duration of this assignment; bless him.

2) I won a book in Kel's contest!! My entry was a little short as I was under some time pressure but I wanted to enter something. Good intentions don't cut it. I could have written a good deal more and maybe one day I'll find time to expand on it so as to do their story justice.

Not so good stuff 1) Had an upsetting incident happen on the weekend that I'm still wrestling with. I don't know sometimes if I'm making mountains out of molehills and this will pass in time; or, I should address it and risk upsetting others. It is affecting my peace of mind and taking up head-space. So, what to do??

2) Although I've had some substantial time off I still feel off - sleep patterns scrambled, some minor ailments that by themselves are nothing, but combined are aggravating. H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired makes for little serenity.

Bad stuff 1) I'm feeling pulled in too many directions by various responsibilities and don't feel that I'm doing completely right by any of them. How many ways can you divide a finite pie? Do the best you're able to give time and attention to as many as possible and be satisfied you've done your best(???)

I do hope things are going smoothly in your part of the world and are enjoying the best of what the season has to offer. I'll do some catching up when I'm able.

(Let's all remember the reason for the season)

A Story - Part II

Along about this time when her children were in their early to late teens Marian withdrew, growing quieter and obviously in a state of flux. She would wander the house and go for long walks about the neighbourhood talking animatedly to herself. Ernie bore this for awhile figuring that she had some things to work out but when it was evident that it wasn't a passing thing he called her aside one evening and implored her, beseeched her to share her burden. She stared at him for a time searching his face for answers and then she began to speak.

"Ernie, we've been together quite a time now and we've shared many things. We've worked together to manage a home and raised a fine family. We know each other as well as two people can but I need to tell you something that may bring all of this to an end. You see Ernie, you know all about me except for one thing - one very important thing - and I don't know if you can forgive me my secret"

Now Ernie was a boisterous man given to loud outbursts when excited but for once he was quiet, rapt in his attention. "Go on Marian".

In measured tones Marian began to speak as tears began their silent journey down her cheeks. "I should have told you this when we met but I was as afraid of losing you then as I am now. You see not only was I a widow but I was also the mother of two infant girls born 11 months apart. My two younger 'sisters' are actually my daughters and all these years my mother has raised them. I've tried from time to time to send them small amounts of money that I didn't think you'd miss and that wouldn't take from us in a big way. It's been tormenting me as they've grown to be young women themselves and I've missed them growing up, being a part of their lives. Mother isn't well and can't see to their needs as she used to. What am I to do? Will you forgive me?"

Ernie sat and emotion played over his face. Every few minutes he would begin to say something and then abandon the attempt. Confusion, hurt, betrayal, agitation - they all had their turn with him. Finally he began to speak, "Marian, you're right. We know each other pretty well but I guess the one thing you don't fully understand about me is that I love you. I mean that in the fullest sense of the word - it's without boundary. Yes, I'm hurt that you didn't share this much sooner; that you didn't feel you could. Will I forgive you? Yes, it's done. What are we to do? I have a plan!! In the morning I'll call our lawyer who will contact a lawyer in London. If your girls will have me for a father at this late date I intend to adopt them. Should that be agreeable to all parties, we'll be in London within the month and there will be one hell of a party. You, me and ALL our children are going to get to know one another; we'll be divided no more. Relieve your mind of your worries, all will be well."

The plan worked.

Men. Women. Strange creatures.

The much abridged story of Marian and Ernie.

A Story - Part I

*This is my entry for Kel's contest at xfacta - check her site for details*

Once upon a time, not so very long ago there lived a maiden named Marian. Fair complected, dark of hair, she hailed from Wales born in the mid 1920's. Living in London as a widow after her first husband, a seaman, went down with his ship courtesy of a German torpedo. Enter lanky, raw boned Canadian trooper, Ernie, who spies young widow in a dance hall and decides before having spoken to her that she will be his always. She is a looker who loves to laugh and dance and sing. After much wooing and late night walks and talks he proposes; she accepts without too much protestation. When war is won and he is de-mobbed he comes home, finds work, sets up house and awaits her arrival. Without too much delay she arrives, a Canadian war bride, and begins her life anew.

The first few years are rough. Ernie is a high energy, high maintenance sort of guy. Her female neighbours resent her as she's taken an available young man - too few in those days - she is foreign and speaks with an accent, so she has few close friends. In time though things settle down into a routine at home and along come the children; 2 daughters and then a son. And so it goes, infancy, toddler, early school years, primary graduation, teen years and high school. All the while living frugally; shopping the specials, buying in bulk, sewing their clothes. She also takes on sewing jobs; she can sew a fine seam. Ernie works two jobs and fishes regularily, hunts occassionally to feed them. There are some good family times when the extended family drive and meet in a country meadow for a picnic. A little fishing, hang a dart board in a tree, drink a bit of beer. Sandwiches and salad days.

To be continued...

Wrapping Up and Winding Down

The work week is into it's final hours; rarely do I feel this way but I'm actually glad and relieved that it's almost over. Personalities are clashing, words have been exchanged, tempers simmering. Counselling this one, counselling that one; putting out fires for hours and all the while new blazes popping up. I hope with the new day the guys are over what is bothering them. With all that has happened this week I'm feeling worn out and dispirited; uninterested in dealing with the juvenile nature of most of the incidents. It distracts and detracts from what is most important here; making a beginning at recovery.

Renewal begins tomorrow with sleeping away a good portion of the day and then up for the dinner date with Lynda. It'll be good to spend some time together; talk about 'nine times nothing' (stuff & nonsense) and enjoy the sound of her voice and laughter.

The rest of the week is an unknown. Mom wants me to take her on a daytrip to visit Dad's gravesite, see some out of town friends and do a bit of shopping. That's a good thing, we'll both enjoy doing that and each others company. We'll have to keep an eye on the forecast and figure out which day to go.

They might be starting interviews this week for the other position so I'll have to gear up for that. Approach it as though I might actually get it even if the odds are against me.

Then there's Christmas shopping - yikes! Thankfully my list is short so I shouldn't be out in the crowds for long.

** I've been listening to the 'Cold Mountain' soundtrack as I type away here; check it out! Old style bluegrass music. Alison Krauss's 'You will be my ain true love' is beautiful. **

I want to enter Kel's writing contest at xfacta so I'd best find time to sit down and craft a story. There are a couple of likely ones that have been spinning round my head. *I made the same mistake and thought it was her name on the book cover; turns out it's a male Kel.*

A friend is coming in for treatment on Monday so I'll see him at my home group meeting that night. He's been detoxing at a family members home, out of town for a couple of weeks and is doing well. I arranged to meet a sponsee at a service meeting Wednesday night; he's sober and loving it. Feeling better and better.

As I was sitting here in the dark last night I was wondering just how big this place might be. If your average bungalow is about 1,400 sq ft this residence must be 7 - 8,000 sq ft. It's time to go tour it again. Check in when you can.

Life Lessons

I've been seeing a number of posts on topics that are akin to one another lately; the state of being, being present, being authentic, change, readiness to change, motivation to change, and one about 'becoming'. That one gave me pause, something to consider. The whole 12 Step approach helps to keep you centred in the day and by working the steps you do change over time, incrementally. I'm aware of a huge shift over the last few years and so far I'm really happy with where I've gotten to mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've also purposely not indulged in anticipation of the future because in the past that has been dangerous ground for me. I feel better able to handle that now. So...'becoming'....interesting.

If I take the accumulated change of the last few years as a base and extrapolate that into the future...I should be damned near perfect by the spring of 2010. LOL. No, seriously... the whole becoming thing has me wondering what I'll eventually grow to be in say 5 years, 10, 20. I like the prospects; I have hope so long as I'm willing to continue to change and grow.

Who are you 'becoming'?

A steal from (I think) Life on the Bogs - 'Without change, we would have no butterflies.'

Life served up a lesson tonight in the form of a power blackout that lasted for hours. At first I was frustrated at not being able to get at my work and of course there was no radio, no music, no one to talk to, no internet, no light to read by. Talk about personal inconvenience!! It's all about me, don't you know. I was sitting there in the dark for quite awhile, mind achurning and all of a sudden it hit me - just 'be'. There was nothing to be done about the situation - let it go. So for a while there I was quite content being a sentinel in the dark. Listening for our clients and at the ready to be of service if needed. Listening, breathing, feeling my heart rate slow.....calm.

I'm glad these outages don't happen very often but I'm sort of happy it did tonight.

What else?

Lynda and I are m..o..s..t of the way through another of these weeks where we don't see each other because of the way our shifts run. Hate em, hate em, hate em!! Two more nights. She's been working some wicked overtime rather than hanging around the house while I sleep. We were talking earlier tonight and she sounds good; happy with the progress she's making against the never-ending avalanche of paper she deals with every day. Her department needs a few more like her in order to make headway instead of being continually backlogged. We've planned another date for Sunday dinner; woo-hoo! You know what they say about absense.

The cold I was coming down with seems to be in remission and that's unusual. Once the symptoms start I'm usually down for the count. Over-sleeping worked this time. All my free time on M, T & W was spent in bed; 10 hours, 11 and 10 respectively. On this shift I run most of the time on 5.

I haven't heard from either of my kids since immediately after they returned to their respective homes so I'll have to stir the pot there. The time difference makes calling a problem but maybe an onslaught of emails will get a dialogue happening. Should I tell them about this blog, do ya think?

I'd made a very conscious decision early on here not to refer to our clients as addiction treatment is and should be a very private health care concern but I'll make one general comment. When crack cocaine first appeared it had an incredibly bad rep; not only was it very, very addictive but there were distinct connotations to its use. That it was dirty, street, ghetto.....and on and on. Over the course of time, say 15 years, it has lost that to a large extent and it continues to amaze me the way this particular drug is cutting across all demographics - young and old, rich and poor, educated and not, social background, ethnicity. None of it matters. Very scary stuff; I wish people had some of that fear and loathing back. It would help save a lot of anguish.

Christmas is coming!! I can't believe it's December 1st. People have their lights up, the stores are decorated and stocked, the parties are starting. I wish, I wish, I wish I had tons of money cuz when I had money I loved that whole process of making lists, tracking down particular gifts for special people, wrapping them and seeing them open them. Loved giving and didn't really care what I got. Now all I want is to spend time with family and it looks like that isn't happening this year; I'm working all Xmas week. Our clients need someone to be here so I'll do what I can to make their Christmas merrier. Ho, Ho , Ho .... maybe I can find a Santa suit. That'd be funny; I'm a pretty tall, very skinny gink with a beard that's getting whiter by the week it seems. I'll have to check that suit idea out and see if we can't have some fun.

The Long And Short Of It

.....I didn't get the job.

I found out when I got up Wednesday and so intentionally didn't blog about it last night. Upset? Angry? Sad? Yes, all of that and lots more. Not so much about the actual position but that I felt rejected and unappreciated. Fortunately I was able to have a good talk with the counsellor who was on shift with me last night and processed a lot of that. I guess in retrospect the thing that bothers me most is that I'd been made to feel, by more than one source, that the job was mine; it was a done deal. Hmmmm...don't count your chickens before they hatch.....

Anyway, through the night I submitted an application for another position within the organization. I have less chance of getting this one so I won't be holding my breath about it. It's a formality, an expression of interest and maintaining some visibility with the powers that be. We shall see.

I also have a proposition for my immediate boss to consider which is my most preferable option. Best boss I've ever had - if anyone can make it happen, he can.