Legalities

I had another early start to my day, this time to see my lawyer. We reviewed the separation agreement and he interpreted some of the 'legalese' that I wasn't 100% sure about. Everything checked out to expectations and although he thinks I'm insane, I signed off on it. Now it's back in Lynda's hands to follow up on. The poor bugger obviously isn't used to people who aren't interested in nickel and diming and going after every entitlement. He really doesn't know what to make of me but wished us both well. I enjoyed dealing with him and wished him a long and happy retirement - he must be about 80; he served in the air force in WW II.

Once she signs off she can get her mortgage, the title can be transferred and I can finally get on with my search. My realtor emailed me a listing today that I'd like to go after.

Lynda and I had a brief chance to talk things over before dinnertime and I was saying that we can both feel good about how we've managed through a difficult, upsetting and awkward time. These last 6 weeks have been pretty damned good all things considered. We covered a few other practical things and just as the conversation had to end I told her I haven't given up. I've been agreeable, acquiesced and gone with her wishes on all of this but....she's still the one I want to finish out my days with. She was a little delayed in getting back to the dinner table.

Re: "Arlo"

There were a couple of enquiries about last nights post so I'll backtrack and expand a little.

I was approached a couple of months ago, by a couple (K & R) I'd come to know, to do some work for them. He'd seen me at work here and thought I had the 'package'; education, personal knowledge & experience of addiction, ability to relate, ability to do individual, group and family counselling. He(K) and his wife(R) run a social services liaison agency which connects various agencies with qualified service providers on a contract basis.

So, 'Arlo' is my first client and that's the pseudonym I dubbed him with so as to not disclose his real identity. He's 14, a ward of Childrens Aid, been in care since age 2, has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and likes to abuse alcohol and marijuana. We always associate any sort of treatment discussion/information with a leisure activity so primarily we've been going to driving ranges, bowling alleys and mini-putt venues and splitting the time between the activity and talk.
He's interested in art so tomorrow (later today actually) we're going to an art gallery.

I haven't run into typical sorts of teenager behaviors with him - no lying, denial or evasion. He's very open and honest about his use. As he is FAS I have to tailor what and how I present information to him as he doesn't process and recall like regular people. Until yesterday I had doubts about how much of an impact all this was having but we hit a landmark and we're definitely making progress. We've established a good rapport, the trust is there and we like each other and the time spent together. He's a good young guy.

K came by my work last night for a few hours to talk about Arlo, our work together and also about expanding my involvement to include more clients. If I were to do that I would have to start a business so he was advising me about the mechanics of setting that up. The more experience I get dealing with a variety of client needs, the more I'm able to charge for my time. He was explaining that I could wind up with a very mixed case load that could include focused support group sessions; corporate presentations; individual, family or group counselling; dealing with all sorts of issues and persons with a variety of mental health and addiction problems. There are some specialized areas (e.g. - grief, sexual abuse, severe mental illness) that would be hands off for me but otherwise an open field.

I hope that clarifies the situation somewhat. I think I've said in the past that I love where it is that I work now; I just can't afford to stay here. It's all economics.

Great Day

It's just been one of those days where you're happy to be alive, in the day/moment and a number of good things have rolled my way. I've been on steady go since I got up at noon.

Had a great outing with Arlo. (more about that later) A quick dash home for dinner with Lynda and a change of clothes.

I had arranged to meet with a guy who had spoken here at an in-house meeting a couple of weeks ago. We sat for 2 hours over coffee and talked hard core recovery. He and I got to know each other real well and I benefited from his experience in the program.

After I got to work (late) I plowed through some of my work before sending my co-counsellor and the residents to bed. Around midnight my social services contact arrived so we could talk about Arlo, our work, setting me up as a business and recovery. I finally had to kick him out at quarter to 3 so I could get the rest of my work done.

All I need to make this day a '10' is a long, hot lovemaking session but you need a partner for that. I'll settle for what it's been; an 8.5.

Beautiful Artwork

I posted a photo here last week of a painting that hangs here at the centre. Before disclosing the artist's name I had to verify that he wasn't a former client. He isn't; it's a donated piece. If you'd care to see more of his work go to
www.paulmantrop.com

He has a great eye for landscape, terrific use of colour palette and a wide variety of subject location. Masterly painting. There is also a link provided for the gallery he owns which showcases a variety of other artists work as well.

To Smoke....

....or not to smoke????

That's the question on my mind these days. It's been brought into sharp focus with the onset and duration of this blessed cold I've had for(ever) over a week. I'd describe how it has affected me but there's no sense getting gross.........use your imagination. It might have turned into bronchitis.

Now would be a good time to quit as you're supposed to be occupied so much as possible. I'm so overbooked each day this week I've left myself just 5 hours a day to sleep - the rest of the time is all laid out. (No rest for the wicked?)

The only thing preventing me from setting a firm quit date is the overall uncertainty of what the near future holds and the inherent pressures of a housing search and move. Not to mention the separation itself; I'm really not looking forward to all this. Big decisions, huge changes.

So, when and under what circumstances should I quit? I can't decide.

Early Monday Musings

Except for feeling crappy physically it was a great weekend. I'd attended a friend's medallion presentation meeting Saturday night and when I got home Lynda and I sat up and talked...and talked...cried some...laughed some....talked some more. More feelings and perceptions straightened out.


Sunday we went to do the job we do each weekend and part way through I went to talk to her in order to clarify and expand on something we'd covered the previous night. She wound up sitting in a doorway, me in the hall and we talked, cried, laughed and hugged...for about 45 minutes. Made the job a good deal longer but what the hey!
We got home and I read to her some of what I've been reading and discussing lately - (not to get all metaphysical on y'all but) - we are what we think and believe; we are affected by our associations, good and bad; our reality is plastic and malleable by the application of positive thought - 'prayer'; prayer directly affects present and future events. There are also some things that are fixed and never changing to be relied upon.
She asked if I was trying to tell her something in particular and I said, no, that these are some of the things I'm occupied with these days.
Then I told her what my prayers for her are and have been. Lynda said, 'We are still splitting - you do know that.' "This isn't about that; the prayers aren't for me or for us; just you. Wouldn't you like to be free of self-doubt, worry, guilt, suspicion and fear? Don't you want to be happy and successful in your new life?" She gave me a strange, quizzical sort of look, a hug and sent me off to rest before I had to leave for work.


Lynda called me here at work tonight as she was going to bed. She NEVER calls me here. I thought there'd been an accident or someone was sick. She'd called to fill me in on her evening and to wish me a good night. Sometimes little things mean a lot. Hmmm....a prayer answered.


A little later I called Sarah in Vancouver to wish her a happy birthday - my baby is 26 now. She's doing well, had a good day with friends and future family, and is happy. Her happiness is a gift to me and I'm glad she's in good hands.

It's been a busy night getting organized for the week and helping a new guy get settled. Later!!

Saturday Yadda.....

Lots of calls and running around today.

I had to go to three different library locations to find what I was after but, eureka! Here's the list:
Tom Harpur's 'The Pagan Christ'. He's a Canadian, a former Anglican minister who has authored a number of books regarding religion, Christian belief and approaches/attitudes required for religious study.
Emmet Fox's 'Sermon on the Mount'. His opinion and advise regarding the application of Christian belief to living life 'rightly'. Apparently it was a source of spiritual guidance for early AA members.
Nancy Wilson Ross's 'Buddhism: A Way of Life and Thought'. A text which gives an overview of Buddha's life and basic teachings, an introduction to general teachings and practice, and in depth study of the three main types of Buddhism.
That should keep my mind occupied for awhile!
They also offer a wide selection of movies and music for loan. I picked up a CD version of the Travelling Wilbury's debut release (as my copy is on tape) and Roseanne Cash's 'Black Cadillac' which had really good reviews. It'll be yummy.

There was an open house at a townhouse for sale, in a complex where a friend lives, so I did a walk through and checked it out. Okay, not bad...a little small. I see my lawyer Wednesday so things are progressing, however slowly. He took off early for a long weekend - he's in his 70's - down to the race at Indianapolis, lucky bugger.

I'm off for a quick snooze before dinner - still trying to shake this cold. Ta.

Oh, and thanks to everyone who has been taking time to comment. Glad you're stopping by.

Little Big Man

I couldn't resist; here are some shots of Owen from last weekend. Here he had been holding dandelions under Freedom's chin - we didn't bother to tell him you're supposed to use buttercups.
He and I had been 'exploring' the yard and he'd been describing the various rocks that surround the firepit - size, shape, colour, weight. I climbed atop one of them to get this shot. Sorry, I couldn't figure how to rotate it. Another thing for the to-do list.

Owen liked this rock and claimed it in 'he-man' fashion.

Crazy Week

During my last night of work (Saturday) I came down with yet another cold so I've been trying to accommodate that while continuing to do things I know I have to do. I'm plugging away and not putting too much pressure on myself. Job searches, meetings, cold calls, part-time counselling work with Arlo, keeping in touch with family, friends and program people.

Lynda saw her lawyer yesterday and arrived home with the copies of the separation agreement and although I'll have to go over them with my lawyer they appear to be perfectly in line with what we've discussed. Very good! It certainly took awhile for me to accept what is happening but since then things have been really good on the homefront. A less acrimonious split is beyond my recall. We continue to spend substantial amounts of time together, work at things and talk of our potential future. I continue to have hope although I'm aware it could all be a pipe dream. Time will tell.

There are a couple of people out there for whom life has gone horribly wrong lately. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. It makes me realize that I'm truly fortunate; my reality could be so different, so much worse than it is. I'm blessed. You will make it through what you're facing, painful as it is. Hang in there.

Cousin BJ had mentioned 'Desiderata'. It's a piece I hadn't read for many years so I downloaded, printed off a copy and have added it to my daily readings. Since the first couple of times through I've been parsing it by the paragraph, sentence, phrase and word in order to get the fullest meaning from it. I'm open to any other suggestions.

Wetlands

A long fallen tree that has been completely overgrown by smaller plants and vines creating a small refuge beneath.

Tracks left in the soft riverbank by a passing raccoon. He likely paused to wash and eat crayfish or minnows.
A look back toward the north across the marsh.

This is another wetland area close by that I went for a walk through yesterday and thought I'd share a couple of shots. This area is part of a protected system that reaches approximately 80 kilometers along Lake Ontario's north shore from Hamilton in the west to Newcastle in the east.

During the walk I saw a nesting swan, the ever-present Canada goose, a variety of duck species and a number of different sorts of marsh birds, a couple of which I can't remember having seen before. Must get a birding book if I want to find out. There were scads of red-winged blackbirds. Probably a kagillion, give or take a couple.

Art Attack!!!!!

This always brings to mind 'tone poems' a la DeBussey - lyrical, pulsing waves of purest sound.

Insistent percussion holding the rhythm.

Dancing harmonies.
Fluid melody tracing the tune.

A couple of days ago Kel at 'the x facta' issued another of her art attack challenges. I've been looking forward to this as I'm finally getting the hang of posting photos here and so I'm able to participate in this one. Wooo-Hooo!!!



It did put me in a bit of a poser though cuz I've packed my art supplies but I think I have come up with a solution. Kel's challenge is to do a spontaneous piece in relation to your latest music purchase. My solution was to go down to the vault, rummage through the archive and sort out a few images that put me in mind of music in a graphic way. Although the solution doesn't fit the challenge 100%, I hope it'll do.



The music that I'm relating it to is a disc that's been in the deck for the last few days - (Surprise!! it's not Jeff Beck!!) - Mark Knopfler's 'Sailing To Philadelphia' release. He's another of my favourite players and covers a number of music styles on this one. His playing is always dynamic and fluid; the songs well constructed and executed. On this disc he has James Taylor guesting on the title track and Van Morrison on 'The Last Laugh'. Mark has issued quite a body of work since his debut with Dire Straits many moons ago. He has worked a lot with the band, done a number of solo releases, some soundtrack work and a seeming one-off Notting Hillbillies.

Awesome

Sarah just sent me this email image taken this past week - she's now at a full 28 weeks. She's a growing girl, fer shur!! Happy, healthy, smilin' - beautiful! That's my baby!

Quiet Times

With the exception of one time consuming incident involving the police this has been a very quiet week. There really hasn't been much demanded of me; the guys have been going to bed and staying there - not up for smokes, drinks or talks; there have been very few phone calls - those few have mostly been from former clients or those seeking information about treatment. That said, I've managed to get caught up on a bunch of personal work and correspondence, and getting organized for the coming week.

At the beginning of the week I made a decision not to write(, or write very much) about Lynda and what's going on. Hey - I was successful in that for a change. We were on opposing shifts all week and didn't see each other until I arranged to meet her for dinner at her work on Friday night. She received a copy of the separation agreement via mail on Thursday; my set is in the mail now and I expect it Tuesday or Wednesday. She says it's in line with what we've discussed. If so, I can finally get on with looking for a new abode. This has really been dragged out but it wouldn't have been if I was driving it. Next week is going to be jammed as it's a short week (this is a long weekend for most.) I just hope I don't get a call-in to work, I'd likely have to turn them down.

I'm hoping to get my time shifted around quickly (it'll be by forcing it) back to days so as to be in tune with the rest of the world again. I've been making a point of carrying my camera and have made an effort to start taking some shots; it might take awhile to get my eye back in shape but I'm game. I know already there are a couple I'd like to post. Blogging and emails will probably be my wake up activity over coffee and cereal. There is some technical information that I'd like to lay hands on regarding digital photography and recent improvements on newer models. (I should also get out the instruction manual for the one I've got to see if I'm getting best use of it.) Maybe tweak a setting here or there and see if things don't improve. (UM...there's a nut loose on the shutter button)

I can see by re-reading this that I'm getting very tired and shouldn't be writing - it's all choppy so I'll sign off by wishing you a good week. I'll be around.

Highlight

Owen and I enjoyed some time together this afternoon. He's everything a 3 year old ought to be; curious and full of little discoveries, fun to be with and genuinely funny, tender. I snapped a couple of very cool shots of him, then he was instructing me as to what I should take pictures of next. 'That tree, Pops. No, not that one - the big one! These rocks; the big, little, red, black, one with holes rocks.' To him Freedom isn't Freedom; Freedom is "G'Ma's dog". Too cute.

Big hugs and a kiss on the way out the door to work. If he isn't awake when I get home in the morning I might have to pinch his big toe.

Another Possible Explanation

This; in regard to the incredibly bright object in the western sky recently. I'd been wondering aloud about what it may be. Found and decided to share this - I emboldened some text.

Some daily events in the changing sky for May 18 – 26.

Watch the waxing crescent Moon march up day by day to a spectacular conjunction with Venus on the 19th. This scene is drawn for the middle of North America. European observers: move each Moon symbol a quarter of the way toward the one for the previous date. For clarity, the Moon is drawn three times its actual apparent size.
Sky & Telescope diagram

Friday, May 18
The thin Moon shines to the lower right of Venus this evening, as shown here. Far below the Moon, can you spot Mercury yet? It's getting higher every day.

Saturday, May 19
Venus pairs up with the crescent Moon for a head-turning spectacle high in the west during twilight, and lower in the west after dark. They'll appear less than 2° apart for viewers throughout North America. Tell family and friends about this one — and use the illustration here to point out Pollux, Castor, and Capella too.

Copied from skytonight.com. I'd hoped their illustration would copy as well but there are limits....

**Saturday night update** - I got a couple of shots of the crescent moon and Venus tonight. If they've turned out well I'll post them soon.

fStop Friday PhotoBlog

Take 2 - This morning on the way home @ 6 a.m.

The lay of the land - the beginning of what I think is a canola crop. It'll be a solid mass of gold in a few weeks.

There are a number of pieces of art hanging at the 'house' and this is my fave. It's size is about 3 X 5 feet. Some pieces were procured by an art acquisition committee; others donated; a few were done by alumni. I had to angle the shot so the highlights didn't flare out. Real life scenes like this are just a couple of hours drive away. I don't know if this is copyrighted but all rights belong to the artist.

Some sun-dappled forget-me-nots in the front garden.

A baby maple seedling gaining purchase in the soil.

In no particular order, these have been some shots taken this week. Some of them aren't lit very well but the weather hasn't been great.

It's Been A Long Day.....

.....and I'm feeling somewhat depleted.

The day started with a jerk from sleep at noon thinking I'd overslept the alarm....whew! Alright, not the case. I managed to get some domestics out of the way, food into me and be cleaned up in plenty of time for my meeting with Arlo. He was in an odd head-space today. Acting as if he were into the outing but also detached and passive. Strange. He's normally more engaged, animated and verbal. Our discussion was tough slogging and circular. The report is written, sent and out of the way. My after meeting chat with his foster mom left me with only enough time to whip home to change clothes and jump back in the car to come to work.

I received a nice email from Kel in Oz; always good to hear from her and get an update. Plus, she's always so positive and encouraging - who wouldn't like that?? If you haven't already, check the link for 'the x facta'. Kel, I'll post more pics if you do, too. I think it's time for another art attack challenge.

I also had 4, count'em 4! emails from cousin BJ in response to mine of last night. (A one-liner, one brief one, a half pager and a small novel!) I'm going to have to go over that last one with a highlighter, do some research and respond over the weekend - way too much to think about in one sitting.

We're heading into a long holiday weekend here, Victoria Day or 'May 24', as it usually lands around the 24th - 24 is also the required daily intake for bottles of beer each day of the weekend for anyone between the ages of 8 and 80. (Just kidding!!) I think the American's Memorial Day weekend is another week away. Here at work it's business as usual - we operate 365 days a year - so I'm working into Sunday morning just like normal. Thankfully we have a good houseful of well motivated men looking to get well; that makes life easier.

Must go for now. Peace.

Re-Connect

My cousin BJ and I have been re-establishing a relationship via email and I love and appreciate the way it's developing. It started off some weeks ago with one or two messages a week; now we're getting up to two or three a day, some days. There have been some strange coincidences in things we're perceiving, experiencing and reading. But, there are seemingly, no coincidences. We were thrust back into one anothers path by our favourite aunt; I'm glad she meddles a little sometimes. I can imagine the next family occasion that we meet at and the family's reaction to the rib crushing hugs - 'What's up with these two?' She and I are getting a little window into one anothers lives.

Our generation should re-establish an event that my parents used to hold each summer when I was in my teens,twenties and early thirties. They'd throw their annual corn-bash in August and it'd be open to all family and friends for barbequed burgers and all the corn-on-the-cob you could eat. Dad would get all choked up at the sheer numbers that cared to show up. A testament to their marriage and impact on a lot of lives. It was also a hoot and a helluva good time. It'd be a logistical nightmare to organize now as we're spread all over the country but it's something to work on. Most of our kids have never met each other and they're the poorer for it.

Wow! Strange Weather

It cleared throughout the day Tuesday, nice warm day and then socked back in just before I was to leave for work that evening. The weather channel's radar maps showed a string of severe storms stretching south and west into the American Midwest so I knew I wasn't just waiting out an isolated one. I made a dash for the car during one lull but got soaked anyway. The ride was amazing in a scary kind of way. Driving rain, more lightning & thunder, hail, roads awash in standing water and the sky had that sick greeny/purple hue to it that meant tornadoes were a possibility. I turned the stereo off cuz I wasn't able to hear it over the rain, hail & thunder. Kept an eye peeled on the underside of the clouds for any sign of funnel action. The lightning and thunder lasted until about midnight; that from about 6 p.m. and it's been raining steadily ever since. All manner of vegetation have completed their transformation into a million shades of verdant greens. Pictures to follow when we get some sunshine.

**Sidebar** My cousin BJ's parent's lost their home to a tornado back in the summer of '79. They were both in the house at the time and lived to tell about it. If memory serves there were two walls left standing from a good sized two story house. My brother happened to be in town and went down to see if he couldn't be of some sort of help. There wasn't much of anything to salvage but he came away with some incredible pictures of the damage. He has one shot of their bathtub wrapped around a tree 15 feet in the air.

This has been a strange spring. We keep getting teased with a couple of warm sunny days and then still another cold front settles in for 4 or 5 days. See-saw, back and forth - this has gone on for more than a month. Bring on the hot stuff so I can do my solar battery thing and soak it up to get me through next winter. I really should move to Texas or Arizona.

Sheer Lunacy

I've tended lately to write about a variety of fairly serious stuff so I thought I'd let you in on a secret - I'm having some fun.

The guys here at the house have been getting caught off guard and more than a little freaked out by some of the things I've done lately. Full voice renditions of Belefonte's 'Day-O' as I'm touring the house (especially scary as I can't sing worth a tinkers damn); getting their attention during bus rides by whipping out my harmonica and tearing off a blistering signature blues riff; egging on our Jamaican bus driver until he submits and serenades us with Bob Marley and Peter Tosh songs - next thing you know 25 guys are singing 'Get Up, Stand Up', 'No Woman No Cry' or 'Redemption Song'. I conduct the choir and get them to sing louder. Smiles and laughter all round, no age limitation.

Shortly before I left for home Tuesday morning a massive thunder and lightning storm passed over the house from the north. When I left here it was still raining a bit but I was following the storm south to Oshawa and I was treated to an incredible light show. One must have the appropriate music for such an event so I threw Jeff Beck's latest in the deck, cranked it to 20, drank in lungfuls of ionized air and enjoyed the spectacle. Talk about high on life; if I were able to watch that half hour drive on video I'd think I was loosing it. Alone in the car, music on overdrive, guitar swooping, lightning flashing, thunder crashing and there's me beating the dash, driving way too fast and whoopin' & hollerin' like it's a hog calling contest in Kentucky. I couldn't believe the lightning; it seemed some part of the sky was illuminated at all times. Just jumping around continuously and some of those bolts must have been 10 miles long. Nah, I don't get excited about this natural world of ours at all. No wonder I couldn't sleep when I got home.

(the only other piece of music that would have suited is Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' but unfortunately it's not something I usually ride with - maybe next time)

Just so no one thinks I'm Jeff's uber-fan; there are a few tracks I don't like as they are a little too shrill or discordant. On these live recordings he does hit the occasional bum note but he's so talented that with the next phrase he's able to pull that note back into context & make it sound like he'd done it on purpose, just to make sure you're listening and paying attention. Very highly recommended, if you're able to find them: Cuz We've Ended As Lovers, Angel, Nadia, Brush With The Blues..........some of them are on video on YouTube..........check'em out.

Looking Forward.....

.....to going to bed. Between a mainly sleepless day, getting hand lotion in my eyes and staring at this computer screen for most of the night my poor eyes have about had it. My plan is to sleep as close to work time as possible, then make a mad dash out the door so I have just enough time to make it here. Plan B is to get up whenever I waken, take my time getting cleaned up and perhaps it's time to re-start the pack job.

......to setting a new quit date for smoking. A couple of friends have been on my mind and so that thought keeps niggling away. I bought a carton today which, with a little discipline, will keep me going until the 28th of the month - that would be a reduction by half what I've been smoking for the last 6 weeks or so. My chest has been feeling 'heavy' and I'd be completely ticked at myself if I wind up compromising my health at this late stage of the game. If I can reduce, I'll start tracking with the tools I've downloaded from blogfriend Susan's site - callinitquits.com - then set a date. Maybe tie it in with my sobriety date (??).

.......to moving. My realtor, mortgage broker and lawyer are all showing remarkable patience and for that I'm grateful. The lot of us are eager to get out of neutral, throw it in gear and lay rubber. I have a number of friends who have offered help and vehicles when the time finally comes. About the only things I'll be lacking are a sofa and chairs to sit on; everything else is pretty much covered. Oh...and a place to move to...a small detail.

.....to taking a holiday when this is all sorted out. A week long drive to nowhere in particular, a few days at my uncle's cottage, touring around to see family.....whatever; I'm gone.

.....to pursuing some personal interests. I've devoted a lot of time to working (which is fine; I love my work) and to AA commitments (owe my life to the program) but it's time for more education and some creative and fun time. I'm hoping to have some small space where I can work in various media and work out some ideas I've had rattling around for too long. Some of my NA friends have sports things going on as well as music jam nights. And, as for education, I'm feeling the need to strain my brain and try on some new ideas. World religions maybe. Actually I should take a writing course - I might get good at it someday. Who'dathunkit?

Odds & Sods

The focus tonight has been writing a number of fairly lengthy emails to family & friends so I'm short on time.....this'll be short.

Sarah and I spent a half hour on the phone - she's at the 7 month mark now and is finally feeling good. PTL. So almost 3 months until her due date - weeks-wise.

Russ emailed and is already lining up things to do with Daddy-o when he comes in August.

Young Arlo and I have two sessions planned - later today when I get up and again Thursday. He was suspended from school again - 2 days - for skipping; and is back in his foster home.

Smoking?? Oh yeah. Not smoking?? Uh - uhn. There's no focus yet.

Packing?? Don't be silly; it isn't the last minute yet.

Weight gain: It's been very slow and an up & down battle but I've managed to gain 5 or 6 pounds. 133 woo-hoo!! I ought to be 155.

The counsellor I'm on with is an early riser and will boot me out of here early (God love him) so it's time for me finish up and boogie on down the road. Later.

'Things' We Value

This is something that I'll likely revisit in days to come as there are many aspects to it but I suppose what brought it to mind is going through the house, divvying up possessions and packing.

The very first thing I packed was my music collection. Hmmm .... in terms of material possessions what do you suppose I value most?? Guess what it is that I'm missing a ton with all the time that has passed since then?? There are particular CD's I want to dig out as I've been wanting to re-listen to them and then write about them. There certainly are a lot of associations and memories tied into our musical memories. (I found out recently that they don't allow music in detox's because it stirs the emotions so much.) Is it worth the bother of tracking them down now or should I just wait until I get moved and unpacked?? Dunno; we shall see. The new place is going to be one of near non-stop music of all kinds.

About the only things I own that have any great monetary value are electronics - computer, sound systems, cameras - and they quickly de-value as the nature of them changes so rapidly. I'm not particularly acquisitive but those are also the things I'd like to update. A wireless notebook computer, wireless surround sound system, a better digital camera that I can do more with; perhaps an SLR.

'Things' I value most are those with sentiment attached; my father's tools; stained glass shades he crafted; hand-stitched pictures Mom made; sweaters she knitted for me; a couple of handsome bookcases my paternal grandfather owned; coins and notes that family handed down to me when I was a boy collector of such things. Even the things I worked, earned and saved for; things I wanted deeply at the time don't count for much. Seems I'm a packrat trying to get loose of the baggage these days and I'm having a difficult time deciding what has to go and what is key to hang onto.

I've been poor, then paycheque to paycheque, and fairly well off and poor again. What I've found is that so long as the necessities are met - roof, clothes, food, mobility - the rest is just gravy and vastly over-rated. The next thing I'll value is a home of my own and independence; somewhere I can settle in and arrange my stuff; a place to cook and entertain; read, relax and listen to music; plant a garden and eat the produce.

Change can be a very welcome thing.

What do you value??

Wine Tip

We have a big, new liquor store in town and I was in there picking up some boxes for packing. I thought 'what the heck', as long as I'm here I might as well pick up a bottle of wine for Lynda. As its a new store I don't know where anything is and so wound up having a leisurely stroll about the place. It must be around 3,000 sq. ft. of floor space so think miles of aisles - a smorgasbord of booze. Instead of getting one of the tried and true ones that we've enjoyed in the past - or more recently ones that Lynda has discovered - on a whim I chose a Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon called Cato Negro. Turns out I'd picked a winner; when Lynda sampled it I heard an 'omigod!' and she brought her glass out to me. 'You have to have a whiff of this.' After a long inhalation I have to say it's as good as any wine I've ever smelled. The colour is a beautiful dense red, it's dry, the aroma great and Lynda says it's got a great finish. This one is a keeper; the nose knows.

Night Sky

From my vantage point on the globe there is an incredibly bright object that is visible as soon as the sun is below the horizon. (Brightest thing in the sky) It's in the western sky sitting about 30 deg above the horizon at dusk. I don't have a telescope or binoculars but to the naked eye it seems brilliant white with no hint of colour. That makes me think it might be a fixed orbit satellite. A couple of internet searches haven't turned up anything. Any ideas?

I was outside a while ago and saw the first shooting star I've seen in ages. Made a wish but can't tell you what it was else it won't come true.

What's Up???

Thursday was a busy one. I hadn't slept well Wednesday night as I'd had a few too many coffees at Lillian's medallion but I was up right around 5 to get ready for work. My boss had called to ask if could do a relief shift yesterday and I told him I was available for most of the normal working day. There were 2 admissions to do and I managed to get them in, settled relatively quickly and all their paperwork done by just after lunch.

Arlo and I had arranged to meet when his school day was over but after watching a couple of hundred students stream by and waiting for awhile it was apparent he wasn't going to show. I checked in with his vice principal and found he'd skipped his afternoon classes - he was on the loose. Back in the car and off to his birth mother's home - no Arlo. He's in trouble on all fronts now.

Quiet evening last night and off to bed early. I started in reading Patty Duke's autobiography, 'A Brilliant Madness' - her story of living with manic-depressive disorder. It looks like it'll be a good read.

I'd had a couple of meetings the other day with my lawyer trying very hard to expedite my end of this but now things are back in Lynda's hands and it's stalled again. It could be interpreted as a lack of will for the coup d'grace but I've given up trying to figure where her mind is at. I just wanted things wrapped up this week so I could get on with my housing search and purchase. Now I'm back on nights again starting Sunday meaning that I have to squish everything into those few hours between when I get up and have to be at work. Yeeesh!!

Spring has really sprung now - everything has greened right up, is sprouting and blooming. It's another bright, clear warm day so, I think I'll get out there and enjoy it. Ciao for now.

Accentuate The Positive

These pictures uploaded in reverse order to what I wanted - must keep that in mind for next time. This was on my way home; I'd gotten bored sitting in a traffic jam and decided to play with the camera. Don't drive into the big bright light!!

Mid afternoon I met a friend at this gallery to check out an exhibit I'd seen written up in the local paper. The gallery is a converted railway station (circa 1900) called appropriately enough, the Station Gallery. The exhibit was a number of stunning large format black and white photographs by Mary Ellen McQuay entitled Order inside Chaos. The concept coming from the effect of the 4 basic elements on our natural world. If I were to be in the position to choose just one to take home I'd be unable to do it - I'd have to take 4 or 5 to include my favourites. She's inspired me to dust of my SLR and 2 1/4" format cameras and get back into it again. To read a bit more about the show go to www.stationgallery.ca

How's your foundation? There have been days recently when mine fell a bit like this. This is a foundation wall of a barn from the original homestead where the conservation area is now. Likely about 150 years old. The conservation area?? It's coming - remember what I said about reverse order.

I can imagine the many hands gathering this deadfall wood on a variety of occasions making their contributions to this crude structure. If I'd had a bit more time I would have settled in for some reflective time - I had to settle for a quick picture.

An odd picture to take, perhaps but I liked the exposed earth and the organic shapes of the roots that had unbound themselves.

The area I was walking in is a wetlands conservation area - a marsh - on the north shore of Lake Ontario between the cities of Ajax and Whitby. It's a nesting area for swans, a variety of ducks and of course Canada geese. Just had to get a shot of this guy - he was just 3 feet away.

There are a number of these wooden walkways leading to lookout points so you're able to see nesting areas but still be somewhat removed from them. This is looking directly south toward the lake - it's just beyond the little gap in the middle of the shot where the low trees are; the breakwater.

Monday was a gawdawful day so, we won't talk about that. It's past and yesterday was a fresh start. The early part of the day was spent getting organized for the rest of the day; lining things up and making some calls.

I picked up my first paycheque for the work I've done with young 'Arlo'. While it isn't a great deal of money it is money that I didn't have previously; the experience itself is rewarding and of value to me. The couple I'm working through have a couple of young children and here's some of their artwork.

What with all that's gone on recently I decided I was due for some down time so I took a much needed break. It was an active day but refreshing in that there was no time pressure to do anything. While I was walking the conservation area I got a call on my cell from one of my other group members, Al, checking up on me. He said I was wearing the strain on my face at our meeting Monday night and was I alright? Yes, brand new day but thanks for calling and asking. I'd already arranged to meet another member, Chester, at the gallery and we spent a full hour sitting in that one room looking at and discussing the photos.

When I got home Lynda and I barbecued steaks and fried up potatoes, peppers, garlic and onions and had another good talk over dinner. My boss had contacted me and asked if I'd go up to the house for the evening and run the in-house alumni meeting, so I did that and we had a good turnout. I got the chance to meet our new admissions and help the on duty counsellor with a couple of things. He was having one of those nights; he'd have been pulling his hair out if he had any.

All in all a very good day. It was just what I needed; when I needed it. Once I get away from this computer I have another full one planned so I had better get on with it. Tonight my friend Lillian receives a medallion recognizing her 20 years of continuous sobriety.

March of The Giants

At this time of year, when I'm driving home in the morning, I pass this spot each day and marvel as the perspective changes; it truly seems a horde of giants is advancing across the countryside. RUN!! Run for your lives!! They're coming!!

Why Be Grateful?

By the time I arrived for work tonight I was played out. Same old, same old - not enough sleep, a number of important phone calls dealing with various things, running around town checking out potential housing with the realtor, a misunderstanding with Lynda. Then the counsellor I'm on with tonight was peppering me with questions about the homefront and brought up some work related issues including the raise fiasco. He succeeded in getting me completely wound up in the problems and then abruptly went to bed leaving me stewing. Thanks, bud - I'm trying to live in the solution.

Anyway, I wasn't going to post tonight with the frame of mind I was in but lo and behold....I got buzzing about the net checking out blog friend's sites and following links and once again found what I needed. Some fresh perspective, a lot of good writing and some laughs. That's the sort of thing that sustains, encourages and refreshes me. Bless you all for reminding me I do have lots to be grateful for.

Health, shelter, food, springtime, clear weather day and night, family near and far, close friends, the fellowship & program & sobriety, the natural world - flora, fauna, the heavens; being useful, able and willing, mobility..... and on,... etc,.... and so on.....it's neverending really.

Why be grateful?? Because life is to be appreciated, silly!

Thanks Robin, I Needed A Laugh

Following a very circuitous series of links which included a friend's other blog, I came upon this. Just what the doctor ordered tonight.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Reverend Earl Norman the Larger of Bow under Bumpstead Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Now, don't I feel special with a handle like that!! Try it; you'll like it.

(I should have left a comment, didn't; but loved your 'Hands' post.)

A Going Concern

Busy day, busy day. I'm really starting to feel the effects of having too many things on the go - I feel good and very much engaged in what's happening but I'm getting that haggard, red-rimmed eyes look. Usually when I'm on night shift I get at least a couple of days where I have 6 or 7 hours of solid sleep but that hasn't been happening. All week I've been running on about 4 hours of light daydreamy in-and-out stuff; as soon as I'm at all wakeful my mind starts up and I'm done. Might as well be up and doing, so I do.

Instead of calling him 'that teen ward' I'm going to create a name for him; how about Arlo, as in Guthrie, and it starts with 'A'. I picked Arlo up when he got off school and we headed for a local driving range to knock out a couple of buckets of balls. He'd never tried it before and I haven't played since Dad died a few years ago. I was never good at it but I was able to give him some basic pointers which he picked up on pretty quickly. When we'd finished we sat and got into our first serious talk about his use. I lead him through a series of points that he needs to consider; he seems to comprehend better than I was lead to believe he would. He has a couple of things to do for me before we meet again next week which should point up how much he is understanding and also how his memory is.

Lynda and I had a really good talk over dinner; it isn't as if she's possessed anymore or emotionally shut down. She's very much back to being as she used to be. It was an emotionally charged exchange on both sides with a lot of positive things being said. Of course the outcome isn't going to change but...some things just need saying. She definitely knows how I feel now; there shouldn't be any doubts left.

Then it was a quick change of clothes, out the door, picked up Mom and off to the theatre. I don't know when they did it but the production had been changed and instead of 'Witness For The Prosecution' we saw Agatha Christie's 'Mousetrap'. (Something about rights of production within a certain proximity) Anyway none of us had ever seen it before and it was really well done. Well acted and produced.

However, it did run long. By the time we'd run Mom back home and I'd dropped Lynda off, I was really late for work. I think I set a new time record door-to-door, driving way too fast , music cranked and chain-smoking. That bit of adrenaline payed off as I flew through all the paper work in about 20 minutes and then straight in to the rest of my duties around the house. I'm glad to have got it out of the way so I can relax until / unless one of the guys need me or the phone starts.

I was telling Lynda again tonight about my 86 year old girlfriend Audrey. She and I have run into each other at a couple of meetings this week and have enjoyed another couple of great talks together. Audrey has been including us in her prayers these last weeks. I guess the way I was talking about her made an impression on Lynda; she said she'd like to meet her one day. I told her all she has to do is show up at a meeting. Rimshot. Can't see her giving up a Saturday evening to do that.

The realtor is supposed to have 4 or 5 property appointments lined up for Friday afternoon starting at 3:30. All of them are on a line running roughly on the north/south main core of the city - one down near the lake, two midtown and two in the north end near where I used to live previous to this house. That should keep me out of mischief until near work time again. I'm looking for maximum bang for the buck - low price, property taxes and, if applicable, maintenance fees - and the most interior square footage. It's fine if they need some work; all I need is the time to do it. Something to look forward to.

It's time to wrap up the last of the work and get out of here soon. Later.

Time Is Short.......

.....so this will likely be a quick one.

There was quite a delay in getting on with my work tonight as we had to discharge a client after returning from our meeting; his urine tests had come back positive. A quick search of his room found a number of empty pill bottles which he admitted were his and so he's gone. Sad, as he suffers from chronic pain but he can't be using substance that we treat for.

Once I had the bulk of my duties out of the way I called Sarah in Vancouver and spoke to Daniel for a while before getting her on the line. Our phones show the elapsed time of calls and I was surprised to see that we were closing in on an hour - seemed we'd just got on. We managed to cover a lot of ground from both ends but mainly we cut up and had a blast and laughed. I love the way our relationship has evolved since her teen years. She told me there are copies of her latest ultrasound pictures on the way via snail mail for Mom, Lynda and I. What do good grampa's do - scan and post, maybe?? Sarah has been feeling a lot better and is finally gaining some significant weight. Three and a half months to go. Tomorrow night I'll try to catch up on Russ's news.

I spent a while scanning through the listings my agent had sent me by email and I'm already getting my heart set on one of them. The interior shots look good; the rooms aren't large but a decent size; everything is painted in light tones or white; it's been upgraded and looks clean. It's no hell to look at from the outside but I won't be standing on the street looking at it, will I? Mustn't get my hopes up before I have a chance to see it - I just hope it doesn't sell before I do.

Lynda sees her lawyer again later today and should have a copy of the papers for me to review. I don't know if we'll cross paths before I come to work or not; I might not see them until Friday morning. So long as they state accurately what we've agreed to I'll be satisfied. Hmmm... look at that statement. Seems I've come a long way in terms of acceptance in spite of the fact I don't want any of this.

Once I get up today I'll have to hit the ground running. I have that teen client for a couple of hours after he gets off school and there are a couple of things I have in mind that need to be covered in terms he understands. Then I head home to eat, maybe catch a little rest and h*ly cr*p, almost forgot - that's our theatre night, too. Mom, Lynda and I are off to see 'Witness For The Prosecution'. I know Mom remembered; don't know if Lynda has or not. Best leave a reminder for the counsellor who is on with me that I'll be late. In light of that I guess I'll see the legal papers after all. When my work night is done I'm supposed to stay up an extra couple of hours in order to get one of the cats to the vet. Mercy please.

All Over The Map

I missed the window of opportunity to talk to the kids tonight. Things got busy here for awhile and before I knew it, it was too late to call. Tomorrow night.

That meeting took place this afternoon with the realtor; I signed with her and we checked out some properties online. We've planned to go out looking Friday when I get up in the afternoon. We're zoning in on condo apartments, townhomes and 'power of sale' foreclosures on detached or semi-detached houses at the lower end of the market. I did a drive-by one of the houses on the way to work; it isn't pretty on the outside but the photos of the interior look alright. I like the location just north of the downtown area - sort of a quirky area with a mix of large and small homes, some new and some quite old.

I continue to kid around with Lynda about how she'll miss me when I've gone. She kids right back to the effect that she won't have the opportunity to enjoy that experience until I actually leave, and what seems to be the hold up?? We laugh, we hug, we're sick, we're co-dependent. She removed her wedding band a couple of weeks ago but continues to wear her engagement ring. I guess she likes the big sparkly stones in it, or perhaps it adds to her feeling of self worth. My band will remain where it is until I no longer 'feel' married. I may die before that happens. The last time I checked that was the way it was supposed to work.

Although the program as it's presented here in treatment isn't based in religion I got into a discussion with the counsellor I worked with on Monday night about a particular author. He was telling me about Richard Rohr's book "Sermon From (On?) The Mount" and how it relates to another book from back in the 30's or 40's by (?) Emmett Fox with the same title. I read enough in the foreward of the book to get me interested and ask to borrow it when he's done with it. Rohr also has a series of audio tapes and I'm to get some of those along with the book.

On a related note, we have former clients who call in on a regular basis and I was speaking with one of them earlier tonight as he was driving home from work. Out of the blue he asked about my religious beliefs, then pulled his car to the side of the road and proceeded to read me Psalm 112 re: The Happiness of a Person. Although I used to hear from him 2 or 3 times a week I hadn't heard from him in 2 or 3 months - since we changed our phone system. When I asked why he'd chosen to call tonight he said he'd been struck by that reading when he'd read it earlier today and wanted to share it with me. Thank you, Chris; I needed that. I'm trying to get my life in order. If I can take licence with the first step of AA and change just one letter: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and my wife has become unmanageable. Enough said. I am responsible for my share.

On to music: that Prince CD I picked up a couple of weeks ago has been in the player steady and I've been enjoying it on the way back and forth to work. 'Musicology'. 'Hey - check out the middle aged white guy blasting the funk.' Gotta love it.

I also gotta go check houses on MLS - I need a place to lay my head. Bye.

One Welcome; One Hello Again

Sometimes we're lucky and have within our families certain people that we may not see nor speak to very often but are close to despite being separated by time and distance. Last night I invited one such, my cousin BJ, to view this blog and take a look at where my head has been transported through these last 6 months or so. Via the site meter I see she paid an extended visit this afternoon and so, welcome to my world. Good, bad or indifferent feel free to comment. I think we'll be even closer as a result; we're already closer than I am to my own sister. Our favourite aunt, Jane, celebrates her 70th birthday today. She's the youngest of her generation in the family.

I had an email from my friend and former workmate JPW tonight to say that he'd been checking in regularily but had been at a loss for words to comment on recent events. (That must be a first - the loss of words part. Lord this man can talk.) It was a very similar comment to a blog friend's a couple of weeks ago. The lack of comment is fine, that's okay. What matters is that I know you're out there and I do know you care. JPW also provided a wealth of information on FAS and associated disorders in regard to the teen I've just started working with. (He and I get together again Thursday when I get up.) I miss those times when our shifts coincided and you'd stay up half the night with me talking, listening to tunes and laughing. When I get settled we'll break bread one night. Why not show up at Whitby Saturday night?? I'll be with the guys. Ciao.

A Housing Update

Finally, some good news. The mortgage broker contacted me today just after I got up and told me we can just squeak this through providing I meet a couple of criteria. He's even waiving his fee in order to make it happen. The kindnesses I receive from strangers baffles and amazes me. Remember the real estate agent who let us out of our listing? I got straight on the phone and we're meeting Tuesday afternoon so I can sign her to represent me. She deserves something out of this mish-mash of dealings.

Still I went ahead and checked out the apartment in that century home. The place was nice and clean but small. It would be okay as a transition but not big enough for the long term. I'd have to replace my bed with a single in order to fit in a dresser and there is just one small clothes closet. I loved the ground floor which is all office space. Glazed and stained glass windows; 10 inch oak moldings at the baseboard and around the ceilings; beautifully carved around the doorways. Ten and twelve foot ceilings. I'd give my eye teeth to have that place. The building and property are likely worth about $600,000 - just a little out of my league.

Lynda has been feeling off physically for the last week or so. There's a virus that's been running through the hospital and it seems she's got it. A rarity for her to be sick. It seems to be having an emotional impact, too. She was flat today, not at all herself. My energy is coming back finally - I'm taking care of my diet and getting what rest I can. I'm also making more of an effort to stay connected whether it be by phone, email or internet with the people I care most about. It's helping. I do need to touch base with the kids tonight though and see what is going on with them. We had a call from Sarah on Saturday that has caused us to be concerned so it's time for a check-in. Russ is an independent cuss and rarely calls (though he's been better lately).

Gotta go; more later.

Very Important People

The people that I have most contact with and communicate most intimately with are my friends in AA. My best friend in the program, Terry, returned from Florida last week and post-meeting had our own little meeting in the parking lot catching up on events since we last saw each other on Xmas Eve. He isn't my sponsor although I use him in that capacity a lot. He's more a mentor; he has what I want to attain in recovery; he is conscious of leading me there. Although we hadn't seen each other in months it was as though no time had passed and we fell into the rhythm of conversation very naturally, without thought. This Wednesday he will have achieved 25 years of continuous sobriety and will be presented with his medallion from the group on June 11. He has honoured me by asking me to chair that evenings meeting. Unbelievable; I haven't been around long enough to deserve that.

The one woman in the program that I've best connected with spoke at a meeting we attended on Sunday night. It was the third time I've heard her speak and again it was a totally different talk than previous; again it was magic. She's able to share so openly and honestly that the extent of her vulnerability continues to reverberate through the guys here in the house and with me. Heather goes into a stream of consciousness talk about her addiction, it's impacts on her life and relationships, her path to AA, her struggles in recovery and what her life has become. She touched on our warped ways of thinking, how we self medicated to cope with our emotions, the sick things we came to believe. Over time we've developed a relationship and are very much in tune emotionally and intellectually. When we talk there is no man/woman stuff; we're just people who share a common problem. She claims after speaking that she has little or no recollection of what she has said. If there is one thing I'd like her to know it is this - that by sharing her story she continues to affect the lives and recovery of many. The words she spoke will ring in the ears of a lot of us for a long time to come. Heather and her fiance Bill are to be married on the 20th of this month.

Those are just two of the hundreds who have contributed to my ongoing recovery. Bless them all.