Update

Once I was up for the day Sunday Lynda and I did some work and some much needed running around. Had a time-out evening of watching a couple of movies and talked about nothing of consequence. Things were very quiet. We went to bed together but I wasn't able to sleep and so I'm up for the day again. My mind is too busy for sleep but my body has rested. We both have a full slate for today and tonight and are supposed to sit down again Tuesday night to see where we're at and where we might go from here.

My mind has been all over the map through the course of the last few nights. I don't understand how my 'reality' and hers can have gotten so out of whack, so quickly. I think I'm sane and grounded in the real world. I know Lynda has had a couple of people sniping in ther ear lately and that they have their own agendas and points of view - ones that I don't share.

In doing Kel's exercise I was reminded of Mazlow's Hierarchy of Needs and how you need to address the base issues in order to attain the higher ones. It seems that now the base is threatened and uncertain, it's the highest point of the pyramid that is sustaining me through this. Faith, prayer, meditation, the certainty that there is a plan I'm not privy to.

Faint hope but I'm hoping that Lynda's trouble with menopause in conjunction with allergies & meds, financial pressure and job stress perhaps have induced a temporary lapse in overall 'sanity'. Depression? I'm catching at straws here.

Thanks for your care, concern, prayers and good wishes. It matters to me.

I guess the blog title holds true - The Only Constant is Change. I may have to change my hotmail account though from heyimtheluckyone to something more appropriate.

Petition for Prayer

Please say a prayer for Lynda. Please say a prayer for me. Please say a prayer for she and I. And anyone else that comes to mind who is hurt, lonely and facing an uncertain future.

You see, we finally had that talk. I knew things weren't right; I can read Lynda pretty well, her actions, attitudes and behaviors. Foolishly, I thought we just needed some time together; to air some things out and get some communication happening. It seems that for her things are over and that I'm not to be hopeful about resolution. I'm still thinking along solution based lines and slipping occasionally into self-preservation mode. How to resolve and make things right again; then - where will I be living next month?

Strange; I did Kel's (at xfacta) exercise about our perceptions of relational things in our world after she posted the other night and things looked pretty good. Some things needed to be tweaked. I did it again last night after our talk; the new one doesn't resemble the first one in the slightest. Two hours of brutal honesty can skew the world as we know it pretty remarkably.

I didn't post last night cuz I had a lot to think about and I didn't want to spew all over these pages. I may recover this post; right now getting it down seems important. I am plugged into some good supports - I've spoken to a couple of the other counsellors here and a couple of the people I'm closest to in AA.

Owen's birthday party was today and I decided not to attend so that Lynda could enjoy the occasion as best as she was able. Feelings are too raw to be in each others faces. We're supposed to talk more stuff out Sunday.

All I've ever wanted is that she be happy. So, whether we're together or apart please pray for that.

Skydiving

This episode lasted literally for months, generated in early June when a bunch of former high school buddies and room-mates were together at a friend's stag. A bunch of us, 8 or 10, decided that we'd go to a parachuting school NW of Toronto for a weekend of training which would culminate with a group jump. Rite of passage stuff with a major shot of adrenaline. Good enuff!

Over a couple of weeks there were various networked calls to establish which weekend to go and when the school could accommodate a group our size. A couple of guys backed out and a couple more caved to their wive's/girlfriend's objections to taking part. It turned out that 4 of us actually showed for the training in early July and it went really well. There was some classroom presentation, chute packing and learning how to drop and roll from various heights. Finally we were attached to a guy wire strung diagonally in the interior of the barn and given a ride from about 60 feet in the air down to about 15 feet, and dropped to the barn floor. The training was 8 hours Saturday and 6 on Sunday leaving enough time for our jump after we got our certificates and signed our releases.

Only problem was that the wind speeds were too high and variable so we weren't able to get our jump in. A couple of weeks later 3 of us returned and same story - uncertain weather; too dangerous for beginners. A fortnight later 2 of us made yet another trip up - no go. In late August at the tail end of a long, hot, dry summer I made my last trip there alone; the Saturday before I was to return to work at the end of 2 weeks holiday. I'd made a deal with my wife Vicki that this would be the last trip - she'd looked after Sarah and Russ on each of these occasions and they were just 3 & 1 at the time.

It was a beautiful day; clear, sunny with a few clouds, a light breeze. Gorgeous. The pilot loaded the flight master and 4 of us jumpers into the door-less Cessna and quickly got us airborne. There was little talk as we climbed because the engine noise and wind rush was so loud but there were some excited looks and thumbs up gestures being shot around. When we arrived at 3,000 feet the master clapped me on the shoulder and yelled that if I wanted to go first I'd best get into position. So, I wriggled my butt across the floor of the craft and braced myself in the doorway with one cheek perched on the door jamb. The first thing that grabbed me was the enormous view - limitless horizon in front of me; 270 degree view from what I could see over the plane through to what I could see in under it. Our perceptions are so grounded in having that finite floor below and in front of us. I found it really disorienting and awe inspiring to not have that.

'GO, GO, GO!!!' - and I was away. I was on a static line so I didn't have to worry about pulling a ripcord - a 2 second drop , a heavy tug and the chute caught air. The first thing you're to do is check that the chute is fully open; that was fine. Second, you make an 'L' with your feet and start gauging your rate of travel using fixed objects on the ground, find the drop zone and estimate whether you'll under/over shoot the zone. I figured I wasn't going quite make the zone and had to avoid some phone/hydro lines on the near side so I turned into the wind to slow my travel. That seemed to be working fine so I continued on my way down enjoying the view, sensation and experience of the trip. Pure exhilaration!!!

During our training we'd been told that, as we were using old round military style chutes, we weren't to try manoeuvring in the last 200 feet of descent. Like I said, I had been travelling into the wind. At 150 feet the wind direction switched, coming from behind me and making me pick up speed. By the time I reached the ground I was moving at 35 -40 mph and when I pitched and rolled in that farmers field it was like hitting concrete. Broke one ankle and sprained the hell out of both of them, a big scrape up one cheek, sore hips, knees, shoulder. I kept trying to stand and signal to the pick up team; couldn't understand why I couldn't stay standing. I was a little dazed, shocky and swearing like a trooper as the waves of pain started rolling. They eventually got me back to the base, called an ambulance and delivered me to the local emergency department. Funny, the attendants, nurses and doctor were completely, uniformly unsympathetic.

Once I was outfitted with a cast and crutches I was picked up by an aunt & uncle who lived not too far away and they put me up for the night. Vicki picked me up on the Sunday morning and I don't think I've ever seen anyone so angry; she was positively steaming. She lived up to her nickname that day - "Big Red'. I swear she aimed for every lump, bump and pothole in the road on that long loudy SILENT ride. She didn't take me home either; she dumped me at my parent's home for them to look after me. I think I was there for 3 full weeks. I missed work that first Monday but worked the rest of the week from a wheelchair.

The moral??? Make sure your bone structure can withstand the activity?? Drink more milk?? Carpe diem?? Go for the gusto?? With pleasure comes some pain???

Dunno - but it was a blast that I wouldn't trade despite the consequences.

Flight

All my life I've had a fascination with things that fly; whether it be insects, birds, paper airplanes or any of the machines that man has made, from the earliest aeroplanes to stealth aircraft to the space shuttle. At one time I'd considered becoming a pilot and was encouraged to follow that dream by my father but that plan didn't come together. As I was nearing 30 I did hang around a jump zone for a summer and made one ill-fated parachute jump. That was probably the most exciting 10 minutes of my life - I loved it right up until I landed. But that's another story.

This was brought to mind as I was going through a journal last night and happened across a poem that I'd cut from a local paper a couple of years ago. The poem was written in 1941 by a Canadian pilot named John Magee Jr. I hope you enjoy it.

'High Flight'

Oh! I have slipped

the surly bonds of earth

And danced the skies

on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed,

and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds-

and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of-

wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence.

Hov'ring there,

I've chased the shouting

wind along, and flung

My eager craft through

footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delirious,

burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept

heights with easy grace

Where never lark

or even eagle flew-

And, while with silent

lifting mind I've trod

the high untrespassed

sanctity of space,

Put out my hand and

touched the face of God.

Rattle and Hum

Things bobbing around my cranium:

*Lynda and I have yet to get any time in where we're both a 100% with it. She had a touch of food poisoning that knocked her out of commission for Friday night and the day Saturday. All better now tho. So, we didn't get our dinner date in - something to look forward to soon.

*While Lynda was laying low recuperating I took Mom out for a few hours looking through the used book shops and picking up a few household things. She reads 4 or 5 novels per week; knits; does 3 or 4 crosswords a day. Mom likes to be occupied doing one thing or another.

*I checked in with Sarah tonight and she's still having quite a time, nearing the end of her first trimester. She's been missing a lot of time from work and is getting sick of feeling sick all the time. I've spoken to a couple of women* lately who have been nauseous throughout their pregnancies and I hope that won't be the case for Sarah. (*in all those cases they were carrying boys - something about male hormones in their systems{?})

*While I've come to know a great many people in AA over these last few years, I don't know very many of their last names. On the new committee that I'm sitting on we use last names and I came to know that one of the women and I share a common surname. She was telling me that her father is into genealogy so we've connected him with my aunt who has all our family history. What a hoot it would be to find that we're distantly related.

*Still on AA stuff ... over the course of the last week two more guys have asked me to sponsor them which would bring the total to five. I'm thinking of starting a meeting that would rotate through each of our homes, once a week, which would be a 12 step commitment and AA Big Book study group. Hmmm ... propose it and get some feedback. Progress; not perfection. The process must be continuing and demonstrative changes happening for this to be occurring but it isn't always self evident. I know I'm nowhere near perfect and not likely to be anytime soon.

*While I attend a lot of AA meetings as part of my job (with the guys in-house) they aren't a substitute for taking time to attend on my own time, for my own benefit - so last Friday night I went to a 25 year medallion presentation. Was I ever glad I did. The speaker had a message that resonated with old-timers and newcomers alike. It reminded me of early recovery and being afraid of not attending particular meetings as I might miss something that I desperately needed to hear.

Seasonal Progression

This may read like a weather report but ...... today was the first day (in my waking hours) during the last three weeks that we've had temperatures above -10C. What a blessing to have a bit of relief from that and much, much colder temps (and wind). I'd been starting to feel like a house hermit - not wanting to go out unless necessary. We've just had what is supposed to be the last major cold front move through for the foreseeable future.

One unusual thing about this winter in this area is that we've been in a bubble where there hasn't been a major dumping of snow in a 60 km radius yet this season. Last week was the one storm where we had 4 -6 inches over a six hour period. Just on the other side of Lake Ontario in upper New York state a town called Mexico N.Y. had over 9 feet of snow fall as they got clobbered with one storm after another over the course of a week. That's one for their almanac. In any normal winter we usually have three or four major storms where we'd get 8 inches of snow or more at one shot - it just hasn't happened that way this year.

Another thing is that there has been a noticeable difference in the length of daylight hours lately. The eastern sky was starting to lighten as I was driving home this morning around six. It wasn't full dark until about 6:30 p.m. when I was arriving back at work. Come on Spring!!

Lynda and I have shelved our idea about a Caribbean vacation for now; we may do it in November instead. In the meantime we might just head off to the Carolinas or Florida for a week instead, toward the end of March or early April.

Working Days !!!!

WOO-HOO!!! I awoke Tuesday to a call-in to work for the day. During the course of the day I was asked to work again Wednesday; Wednesday I was asked to fill in again on one of those 26 hour overnight shifts Thursday into Friday morning. Gotta love it!! It did force me to switch my internal clock very abruptly and I'm very sleep deprived but it was SO worth it. It's great working the program with the guys in-house. I'll be back on nights Sunday so I'd better enjoy this time off in a hurry.

Right now I'm off for a quick one hour nap (I'm burnt) before getting cleaned up and having dinner. Think I'll visit with Mom for an hour or two and then I'm heading to a 25 year medallion presentation. Maybe I can fit in a cup of tea with Lynda at her work beforehand - she works nearby where the meeting will be held. We sure haven't seen much of each other over these last few weeks; and not neccessarily at our best times either, when we have been face to face.

Thanks Kel

I'd been wondering if no one cared about me anymore and Kel tipped me that her comments hadn't been showing up. Low and behold there were a whole slew of unpublished ones. I think I have things sorted out now and thanks for continuing to comment. I feel much better now (sigh).

on 'experimentation'

Well, I still don't really know what I'm doing (you'd think I'd read the bloody manual) but .... I managed to post this picture of G'son Owen and I which was taken a few days after he was born Feb 23, 2004. He'll be 3 in a couple of weeks.

So much for anonymity. There are just a couple of AA people who check in here and they're friends anyway.....and so it goes. See, I told you I was a skinny old bugger!

I did try to edit the photo, cropping and re-sizing, print screen, save as, etc. As you can see it didn't take; got the whole shot. I'm not finding the help pages to be much 'help'.

And, of course, any and all advise or reference tips would be appreciated.

experiment

Checking In

What can I say: busy times. I've been doing some extra work this week here at work and that's been filling a lot of my time. I've also been trying to get organized so that the various spheres of life slide along , so much as possible, without clashing. It's sometimes problematic juggling home, work, and AA program commitments while still trying to have time with extended family and friends - especially on this shift.

My boss was kind enough to give me a few hours off tonight at the being of my shift so that Lynda and I could take in a play at a local theatre. It was a Canadian play called "Dancock's Dance" set in a prairie mental hospital at the end of WWI; the lead character being a shell-shocked soldier. It wasn't exactly a laugh-fest but it was entertaining, well produced and acted. Nice to get out and do something together.

Last weekend we watched a terrific movie "O Brother, Where Art Thou?", which was produced and directed by the Coen Brothers and stars George Clooney. It's very loosely based on Homer's 'Odyssey' but set in depression era Mississippi and the leads are 3 escaped convicts who find themselves in a series of extremely unlikely situations. They meet a blind oracle, have a run in with the sirens, are hunted by a determined law man. It's an absurdist tragi-comedy. The kicker for me was the soundtrack which was ably music produced by the inimitable TBone Burnett. I love all American roots music - folk, blues, gospel, bluegrass - doesn't matter, if it's well done I'm into it. There is some incredible, hauntingly beautiful music contained here and the way the songs have been matched with the scenes...awesome. There's a baptism scene at a riverside set to the tune 'Down In The River To Pray' that is breath taking. There's a follow up DVD release called 'Down From The Mountain' which recorded a concert at the Ryman Auditorium of many of the music artists and bands who contributed to the movie soundtrack. I haven't tracked it down as yet but I intend to.

The other night on my way to work I dropped in to a used CD/DVD store and bought "Standing in the Shadows (of Motown)" which gives long overdue credit to the group of musicians who backed all the great headlining artists of Motown Records through the 60's and early 70's - The Funk Brothers. The film contains extensive interviews with the remaining members and music performances with current singers. When it's all pulled together in this manner and you get a glimpse of the writing, arranging, production and music talent it's mind blowing that this group of men were able to come up with the range of material that they did. More hit records than the Beatles, Stones and Elvis combined. Wow!! It's a 2 disc set and I've only seen the first one so far - maybe tomorrow night if it's a quiet one.

Later.

A Real Quick One

I ain't dead yet; I've just been feeling rough which has prevented me from doing much of anything this past week. Managed to get it together just in time to come back to work. Very strange week tho! If you're enjoying good health, you are truly blessed.

So what's up??

*I'm still doing the night gig here but I've taken on a new area of responsibilty in order to help out and earn a few brownie points.

*I did get out for a while one day last week to apply for a job elsewhere. Closer to home, better pay, great benefits, a couple of people on staff that I know slightly.

*It's Canada! In winter!! It's incredibly cold!!! Not surprising but very 'in your face' -40 with the wind chill sort of cold. I broke down yesterday and got out 'Big Red', my down-filled coat. What a difference it makes. So much for style.

*Lynda and I have hit a rough spot; there are things being left unsaid so as to avoid a major blow-out. Cooler heads need to prevail - let some of the steam ease off before some sensible confrontation. Ever notice that men and women perceive the world and our relationships very differently?? Too true.

*Grandson Owen was out with his parents for the day Saturday and he continues to develop into a very bright and entertaining little character. He'll be 3 in a couple of weeks and we'll be headed off to his party.

*My quit date has passed and although my smoking is drastically reduced I continue to smoke. 10 a day is better than 30 to 40, but it certainly isn't as good as none.

*Last week I managed to get my camera and computer talking again (or was it before last week - it's a big blur to me now) so I'm really hoping to figure out how to start posting some pictures. Possibly this week. Don't hold your breathe tho.

That wasn't as quick as I was planning but I do carry on a bit now and then. There's some work to finish just now though. Later.