S.O.B.

Today is Lynda's 55th birthday!! and you'd never guess that if you were to be meeting her for the first time. She's a vivacious gal who approaches life with a relentless vigour. Although she is critical of her appearance in some ways I think she's just as beautiful as when we met 15 years ago.

I had been thinking of getting her a piece of jewellery but that seems such a cliche kind of gift. There's a terrific graphic print I saw in a shop window the other night that I think she would really like to put in her 'white' room. Maybe that. We were supposed to go for dinner later today at our fave restaurant but something has come up and so we're postponing until Sunday.

S.O.B. ??? That's what will be on the bumper sticker I'm getting for her. It stands for 'Sexy Old Broad'. That should win me some brownie points, ya think?

Happy Double Nickels.

Renewed, Refreshed

Ah, patience pays..... this period of discomfort and pain seems to be easing somewhat. T.G. I'm beginning to feel more myself again. Enough so that I'm getting back in the game and re-establishing contact with some folks I care about and had lapsed with. Getting out of myself and extending myself a bit. I was in a lousy headspace for a while there.

Roaming about the blogs is a constant wonder to me. I've done a lot of visiting around tonight and what I've seen affects me deeply - from laughing right out loud as I read, to being aghast at situations people cope with and get through, and moved to tears by the beautiful ways people use language to convey their thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Awesome.

So; what's new?? This lengthy cold snap is due to end in the next day or two and we'll see some temps above freezing over the weekend. Lord, I'm due. Bring it on in spades.

Last Sunday Lynda and I went to her hometown for her Mom's 80th birthday celebration. Good times; great turnout. It was to be a come-and-go luncheon and lots of folks came; no one seemed to want to leave. This was the first occasion that all 16 of Mother Mary's kids were together at the same time since their father's funeral almost 15 years ago. I had fun touring around and spending time with all my many in-laws. Lynda got re-acquainted with a gal who was her best friend for years when they were just into their teens - they used to horseback ride together. We made it home just in time for me to change clothes and come to work for the night making for a 23 hour day. Not the smartest way to start the week but well worth it. We miss too many family events because of work.

I'm hoping to get a few more pictures posted later on today after I get up; it depends on how well and how long I'm able to sleep.

Oh yeah - the firefight. Even after two conciliatory messages from me the guy still has his shorts in a knot. I didn't bother responding tonight to his latest comment. Best to let it lie, I think. We'll see what happens when he puts up a fresh post.

This and That and That and That....

Newsflash!! I feel good today! / tonight! It's a nice change because I haven't been very energetic lately. Part of might be that this 70+ hour work week will be over in a few hours. Hmmm.... could be.

The other thing might be that tonight Lynda and I laid eyes on one another for the first time this week. A sight for sore eyes, fer sure, even if it was for only an hour. I had everything on the go for our BBQ dinner by the time she got in from work - the grill warmed up; peppers, onions and garlic chopped and heating in the pan; potatoes peeled and on to boil. I think it was probably late November or early December the last time I fired up the grill; lord, I was ready for a good steak. And it turned out great! I wolfed mine down, grabbed my coat and keys and had to dash for work.

Quiet night here at work; I've been killing time roaming the blogs and firing off comments and emails.

Birthday greetings went out to two great ladies who both turned 50 this week; Lazy Buddhist on the 2nd and Lea Kelley yesterday on the 7th. Now the real fun starts girls!!

Kel at 'xfacta' was good enough to post an update about their local conditions in SE Australia where they are being plagued by wildfires. Put my mind at ease somewhat after seeing reports on the evening news. An incredible heatwave with sustained temps over 40C have left everything tinder dry.

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On another note entirely.... The counsellor I'm working with tonight gave me his copy of a book to check out through the night tonight. One I'd never seen before. It's re-written Bible which relates 12 step recovery directly to scripture and is chuck full of daily meditations and other resources. For a full description, for anyone interested or to pass along, see this link: http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Devotional-Bible-Verne-Becker/dp/0310936756. There are times when I feel spiritually 'stuck' and this has come along at an appropriate time.

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A couple of posts ago I described my work schedule for this week..... besides that, when I get up early Sunday afternoon Lynda and I have a few hours of work to do during the afternoon. Dinner, relax, bed... then up for work Monday. After work Monday I'll have enough time to dash home, change and eat before going to set up my home group AA meeting. Home, bed and up for work Tuesday on into Wednesday. Get off work Wednesday morning, head home and collapse into bed for the day (I hope). Back to work Thursday. C'mon Friday!! Lynda and I are intent on keeping our dinner date but haven't decided whether to go out Friday or Saturday for Valentine's.

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It's 4 a.m. and it's a balmy +4C outside!! Positively short-sleeve shirt weather. Glorious!! I'm not sure how long it is supposed to last but I'm thoroughly relishing it while it's here.

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I have no clue as to when I'll be able to post again but I'll be checking in for comments when I can..... and roaming blogland looking in on the regular crew. Have a great week; mine is just about over. Toodles.

Looking Back

Wow!! Wednesday already so how about a little recap??

Sunday I was up early in the afternoon to help Lynda with 'that' job we do each weekend. She had some car trouble Saturday evening so there was some checking around to do with that and stewing because she has extra hours booked to work all week. We both crashed before 10 that night.

Monday was a steady go from 5 a.m. straight through until after 10 that night. If my A.A. home group wasn't so small I would have begged off but I felt obliged to show up - and did. During the day I got some household stuff cleared up, some running around town done picking up car parts and shopping. Plus, catching up on blog friends new posts. The car got fixed by a friend. By that evening I was exhausted and wound up spending 12 hours between the sheets without feeling the least bit guilty.

I got up Tuesday not feeling all that great - headache, heavy feeling in my chest and generally blah. The plan was to take it very easy and do not much of anything but all it took was an early call from my Mom to rouse me. As my sister is leaving on vacation (again!) and weather isn't supposed to be good for the rest of the week she thought she'd best get a few things from the grocery store. No problem Mom.

My stepson was called back to work from his layoff and started back Monday. Lynda drops him off on her way to work and I pick him up at days end. That has worked alright so far but I figure there are already 3-4 inches of snow on the ground now at 10 a.m.; there is plenty more forecast and there is quite a distance to travel and get him. Oh, joy.

Yeah, the weather. Friday we had a tease of mild stuff to come - we actually got up to freezing!! That night it dropped right back to -20C; I could have cried. There were a couple more cold days but as this storm system moved in it brought much milder temps. I think we're sitting at about -5C which is comfortable.

Lynda is doing her regular shift all week but T, W, & Thurs she is putting in an additional 4 hours on-call for another department. She goes back in Saturday for a super shift; 16 hours from 7 until 11. (Then we do that job on Sunday again and she's back at work Monday. Fun, eh?? She's definitely working way too much.)

What's my day hold?? Well, shovelling snow for sure while trying not to blow a gasket. That trip to get stepson #3 and then have dinner on the table for when Lynda gets home. Last night it was pork chops in mushroom soup, sherry and seasonings with rice. Tonight it is schnitzel with peppers, onions, roasted garlic and garlic mashes potatoes.

Y'all have a good day; that's my plan.

Winter Wonderland

We had a small snow storm earlier this week but now we're into a cycle which will bring accumulations like we haven't seen since last winter. One system is coming east - cross continent from California -, another is slipping north from the Gulf of Mexico. Forecasters are saying there are 3 storms backed up that we have to face one after the other. When I got up today I was expecting to see some snow but it didn't start until about 8:30. Now already at 11 my car, driveway and walks are completely covered. They're calling for up to 35 cm before this one is over and up to 60 by the end of the weekend. (That is over 15 inches today - over 25 inches total) We will be digging out for quite awhile; where to put it all?? Mom and I were supposed to go out to do some running around town but we thought better of it.

Yesterday after I left work I arrived home and put some beef ribs in the oven to slow roast through the day. Then I got into cleaning; with 2 dogs and 2 cats dusting, sweeping and vacuuming is a necessary daily routine otherwise the fur and dust bunnies quickly get knee high. (A slight exaggeration, but you get my drift.) A few loads of laundry and then it was time for a lie down before getting cleaned up in time for Lynda's arrival from work. We had dinner, cleaned that up and headed out to do some shopping for household supplies. I was surprised the stores were so quiet this close to Xmas. There wasn't much of interest on TV when we got home so we caught an early night.

Lynda has been caught up in a cycle of increasing pressure at work. They've lost a couple of people through buy-outs and so her workload just keeps increasing despite the fact she's very good at what she does. She is burnt out and about ready to blow a gasket. Overdue for a break. I put a call in to her earlier suggesting she leave early today as driving will get increasingly dangerous.

After that 11 day stretch of work, and different shifts, I'm pretty burnt out myself and trying to go easy. Quick rests when I feel in need of them; lots of water and tea; small frequent meals; vitamin supplements; whatever seems appropriate. I really don't want to be sick over the 'holidays'. (Holidays in brackets because I don't get any time off.)

I've had a look at a few blog buddies sites so far today and hope to find time to get completely caught up on blogland later on. Have a good one. It's time for me to find the business end of our snow shovel.

Mis(sed) Cue

Lynda and I got back to the house near dinner time Sunday and after we had shucked off our coats she had a look in the cupboard and the fridge.

'Hmmm... damn! There's no wine in the house. I could really go for a nice glass of red wine.'

"Yeah hon, so could I. Been awhile." Baa-doom-doom! Rimshot.

Blew that one. I think the response she was looking for was for me to grab the car keys and head back out to the liquor store to pick up a bottle. Men can be so thick sometimes. Ah well, she still loves me despite my shortcomings.

In Unison - Stepping Out

While sorting through some prints I came across this one of Owen and I taken during his week long visit with us back in August. At first glance it didn't seem too special until I noticed we were in synch, completely in step with one another. Weight on the right foot, stepping forward with the left, hands in the same position, looking down and ahead - Pops and O enjoying a walk on the beach.

This shot includes a couple of rare sightings. I wear shorts maybe once a year because I don't like how my legs look - skinny, scarred, discoloured. And I rarely wear a hat - it must have been awfully bright and hot that day (and if it was where is Owen's sun protection?).

Photo credit to Lynda. Yes, that is Lake Ontario.

Dazed Days

Although we're enjoying a brilliant warm autumn day outside the weather between my ears isn't so good. Chuck full today with anxiety, fear and uncertainty. This too shall pass.....

In the meantime a shot of colour seems approriate. This shot is from our trip to Vancouver 13 or so months ago and if memory serves correctly Lynda took this one. We visited a few different gardens so I can't credit this one with any certainty.

I attended a meeting yesterday morning up at 'the residence' and things are still very much up in the air. Regular daytime staff have been assured of an income through until the end of the year. My status is yet to be determined in that regard. I might get pulled in with other staff to run day programming, or not. I know I'm supposed to work a shortened week next week into Friday morning. That is crunch day.

Lynda and I are talking out the various angles around these issues and mainly it's providing a way to vent and discharge the negative stuff but also brainstorm some creative solutions. Time to get back to working on some cover letters.....

One of Those Nights

Ever have one of those periods when you sit down to write and anything you put together just doesn't feel or read right?? That was me here last night. Start a piece, go at it from different angles, rewrite, scrap it, start again..... eventually I surrendered to the idea that it wasn't to be and gave up.

..... and I knew why. I'd had a rotten time through the day trying to sleep and for no good reason didn't sleep very much. When I made it to work I escorted our clients to my home group AA meeting and on arriving there was asked to speak. Gulp, errr, uhhh, sure..... The talk went off alright but as always it got the wheels churning. It always feels different and awkward speaking in front of our clients for some reason. There are always 3 talks BTW: the one you would ideally like to give; the one you actually deliver; and the 20/20 hindsight one you wish you had done. Ah well, it is what it is.

Once we were all back here at the centre I suddenly wasn't in the mood to be here at work at all. I bore down and had all my usual work done by midnight and then had 6 hours to fill. Hmmm.... okay, extra work. 5 hours to go. Pace. Tour. Check the usual blogs. Listen to music. Long night done and off home to bed, T.G.

What else?? I've been trying to pay less attention to the market news but still hearing dribs and drabs. The Cdn dollar has taken a beating..... a few months ago it was valued higher than the USD at $1.10; now it's trading at .80 for a 30% drop. If you Yanks were considering a trip north of the border now is the time to stretch your travel dollar - c'mon up!! The good news is that gas prices have dropped substantially from a high during the summer of $1.35 per liter to today when I filled up for .93 per liter. (Still over priced of course, but....)

The last week has seen the weather cool off again. The last 36 hours have been non-stop wind out of the north-west - lots of scudding cloud and rain. They're predicting light snow here by morning with greater amounts to the east. Here we go kids - hang onto your hats.

Things with Lynda are good. We enjoyed our time together on the weekend and we normally get a couple of hours between when she gets home from work and I have to leave to come in to my work. We catch each other up on our news, we cook and clean up, watch the news, talk out the challenges we face. Such is life during my work weeks..... it's a strange way to work; 7 nights in a row and then off for 7.

Had a nice surprise email today from a blog friend which included some photos of themselves and family as well. I replied in kind. Nice to put faces with names we agreed.... and so much for anonymity.

Time for a walkabout..... later.

Bits & Pieces....

I didn't post last night as I had a couple of very lengthy calls from people seeking treatment; lots of details to cover; lots of upset regarding needing help. Around the time those wrapped up I dashed off an email to Sarah cuz Tuesday Zeph turned 7 months old. She replied right back and then called me. We spent half an hour on the line; Sarah was feeling lonely because her Mom had returned home yesterday morning after spending a long weekend with them. Zeph was awake for part of the call and I was yipping away at him on speakerphone - he babbled back. Sarah says he is up to 18 pounds already!!! Hurry up June!! I can't wait to see him again! S & D get married on summer solstice and S asked if Lynda and I would look after Zeph on their wedding night. Hell, yes!

Weather: we had enjoyed a couple of milder days accompanied by a fair bit of rain. The groundcover of snow diminished quite a bit - lots of run-off plus the rain made for some localized flooding in low lying areas. It was cooling off when I got up for the day and overcast. After I arrived at work this evening the snow machine kicked into gear again and there is 3 to 4 inches of fresh white stuff blowing about and drifting. It started with huge flakes the size of sparrows, changed to much finer flakes, then to ice pellets and now freezing rain. Should be fun getting home.

I had a relaxing start to the day as I didn't have to be at work until a little later. One of the phone calls I made was to Mom as I hadn't checked in with her for several days. I was heading out food shopping and wanted to know if she needed anything. 'No, I don't need anything but I'm glad you called. Did your sister call and let you know she's out of town on holiday? She left for Cuba this morning.' {[>?^&*<]} could have called and ensured Mom was covered. Frustrating....


The shopping got done....when I got to the register I asked for cash back along with my purchases. I checked my bank after getting to work and realized the cashier ripped me off for $10. She must have been operating under the illusion I have money to burn or something.

Lynda and I have been enjoying some long, late night phone calls as she's doing another week of afternoon shifts. We look forward to our time together and miss one another when we're apart. I'm trying as best I can to help her through some stuff she's dealing with these days - some days are better than others. The multiple weeks of afternoon shifts are for Milo's benefit to ensure he has proper care early in the day when he is most active.

Cousin BJ forwarded some info last week about one of our cousin's kids. He's in a band that has been very busy writing, rehearsing, recording and touring. They were featured in a radio broadcast last Thursday night and that concert performance is now available as a 'Concert on Demand' right here. I happened to be out at a meeting Thursday night and missed all but their last song. I'm checking it out now and they are pretty good; no bias here, of course. The guy holding the acoustic bass is the spitting image of his father.

In Other News....

.....right before coming to work tonight I had a quick visit from Lynda. She had just come from picking up our new dog, Milo, and we had a brief meet & greet. The thinking had been that he is a Jack Russell / Pug mix but no one is too sure who daddy might be so the pug factor could be off. I can't see it anyhow. I got one shot of he and Lynda so I'll try to post it later today when I get up. He sure is cute.... and good natured too. He came all decked out complete with a coat to protect him from the cold.

Now to see how he fits in with the rest of the menagerie - our other dog Freedom; the boarder's dog Shelby; and our cats Libby and Buddy. Should be interesting!

** Anyone using Blogger having trouble with spellcheck?? I keep getting a 'Message Failed' response when I remember to use it (thus revealing the fact that I am sometimes spelling 'challenged'.)

Feeling Punked.....

..... just only sayin'. This isn't going to be a bitch session - just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm loosing track of the weeks; I think it is 5 weeks now since I contracted the super-bug and it is definitely wearing me down. So I might not have much to say - this is basically a check-in to say I'm still around.

Tonight I'm back at work getting organized for the week. Most of the weekend was spent with Lynda at both our places. Nice to have options, ain't it? Today in the morning we rushed through 'that job' we do each weekend so I could attend an AA committee meeting. I represent my home group at the General Service district table. Then I beat it home for a quick lie down so that I might make it through the night without hitting the fatigue wall. On arising I immediately had one of my auras, this one was pretty strong and lasted a fair while - minutes instead of seconds. (Geez, think that could have something to do with my frame of mind tonight?)

Saturday Lynda devoted a few hours to cleaning Mom and Linda's place top to bottom while I took Mom out shopping. Linda is still in recuperation mode, unable to lift or bend, 3 weeks post-surgery. Saturday night, although we'd seen it when it came out, we re-watched 'Sleepless in Seattle'. Isn't memory a strange thing? I remembered almost nothing; storyline, images, nada..... I just had the vaguest of impressions that it had been a good movie that I wouldn't mind seeing again. If there was a message to be taken from it, it would be to appreciate and attend to those you love. How quickly things can change. In relating that to Lynda and I and our experiences of this last year it is very difficult to reattain 'love'. There were plenty of times that I thought myself foolish to continue trying. I'm glad now we didn't give up; we're continuing to work things out and plan for a common future.

Funnily enough - checking blog-mates posts - and there is talk of people whose posts are abruptly ended or sites deleted seemingly without reason; and the sorts of feelings that leaves for the readers who have come to 'know' them. I had been wondering a couple of times lately what would happen to mine if I should suddenly become ill or otherwise incapacitated. Send detailed instructions to cousin BJ or JPW on how to leave one last message; leave it up for a couple of weeks; then log back in and hit the delete button??? Seems a shame after all the hours spent typing away, figuring out how to post pictures and make links. Pretty pedestrian stuff for a lot of people but there was a definite learning curve at work there for me.

I'd also been thinking last week that it is time for another look for mine and it's time to update the sites I link to as well. A couple of mine have become inactive or otherwise need changing up to better reflect my interests and tastes.

Hmmmm.... seems I'm sharing this office with a mouse or a mole .... looks more like a mole. Must go usher the little bugger outside where he belongs.

and, ohhh - we didn't get all that snow we were supposed to get. It's been teeming with rain all day and night.

Tah-dah!!

Lynda's wedding ring re-appeared miracurously on her ring finger back on Friday. We were in the kitchen clearing the counters after dinner when she pointed it out. 'Looks better as a whole set, doesn't it?' Yes hon, glad you're back.

The weekend was a mish-mash of clearing snow after the storm was finally done storming; I think it snowed for 24 hours straight. Thankfully stepson #3 and his friend the boarder did most of the shovelling at the house. I did a quicky job at my place and then headed to Mom's to get her driveway and walks cleared before Linda arrived home from the hospital with Lynda. Mom had already started working away on her's but I gave her proper hell and told her to get into the house and stay there. Lord, 83 and shovelling 8 inches of wet snow! Linda is moving gingerly and improving a little each day.

Lynda and I made a quick pit-stop at a flea market near home to see a fellow who is closing his booth down. He has become a friend over the last few years and gives us deals regularly but is now practically giving us what we want of his stock. He carries a variety of mineral and stone samples and related products. This time I chose a piece of quartz that is opaque all round except one face that had been cut and polished allowing you to see the interior of the stone. As I was paying for it I felt a hand clap me on the shoulder - it belonged to a gal I know from one of the local NA meetings. She's a very loud, talkative exuberant sort and we talked for a few minutes after introducing our spouses. As we were saying goodbye she grabbed me in a bearhug and announced loudly 'Hugs, not drugs!' (an NA saying). I thought Lynda was going to go through the floor. I just laughed and shook my head. What are you going to do??

My boarder Al had received his welfare cheque early last week and was waiting impatiently for Friday to cash it. I was looking forward to his rent money so I could pay a couple of utility bills and buy some food. It was unusual but he wasn't home when I arrived home Friday morning from my overnight shift; I thought he'd decided to get an early start to the day for a change. He still hadn't appeared when I left for Lynda's late that afternoon; wasn't there again when I landed in Saturday to clear snow. By then I was getting concerned - he doesn't have any disposable income to go anywhere. Sunday afternoon I arrived again, this time for a nap before my night shift, and still no sign. I checked around the house thoroughly to see if any of his or my stuff was missing. Everything seemed okay. My concern?? Al suffers from clinical depression, he is unmedicated and he has had previous episodes of heavy crack cocaine use. The high is a very temporary respite from the depression and the price is high - using causes all sorts of reprecussions. Guilt, remorse, shame, fear, paranoia all feed a more profound depression. I was relieved to see his boots at the front door when I got off work Monday morning. Shortly after I got up in the afternoon he confronted me with the news he had blown all his money on a crack run Friday into Saturday. Then he laid low in hiding not wanting to come home for fear of what I might say. Would I wait until his son got paid Friday for the rent money? He would bail his dad out then.
I haven't been actively trying to counsel him; just encouraging him to plug into local resources for his depression and get some help with his other problems. Now his staying is conditional on getting help; it isn't appropriate for me to do it directly with him one-on-one. We'll see what happens between now and Friday.

Life is never boring, is it?

11 Months....

Remarkable..... I was curious to see when this roller coaster ride with Lynda began and so I checked the archives for the relevant post; Feb 24. That was when we sat down to iron some things out and the bottom fell out instead. Between then and when I moved into the townhouse in early July stepson #3 moved out so that he wouldn't be seen as choosing sides. Stepson #2 bought a condo apartment and moved out in May (I think). The day I moved out #3 moved right back in much to Lynda's (and my) chagrin.

Since then we've tried to help a couple of #3's friends; first Al moved into Lynda's back in September and then when another friend was at loose ends Al moved in with me at the new year and Mike took his place at Lynda's.

Where is all this explanation going? and why would you care? (....you might be asking.(?) Well... what Lynda and I are trying to do is get them all employed, responsible and independent so that the 3 of them can live here at the townhouse together. That way Lynda and I can live together at the house without anyone being reliant on us.....at long last. We might have a chance if we're left to our own devices for once.

These 3 that I'm talking about aren't kids - they range in age between 30 and 45......and it's about time they started looking after themselves.

Lynda and I continue to work on our stuff and we don't have anything written in stone or a timeline in mind but the general plan is coming together. All we need now is some co-operation.

It's amazing all that can happen in such a short span of time and still have a semblance of sanity.

Still Out Here.....

.....in the blogosphere; just not too active of late.

Funny how this cold didn't seem to be bothering me as much when my life was full and frantic. It has hung on for over two weeks and my bathroom looks like a drugstore. Last week it turned into bronchitis and I was prescribed antibiotics and a couple of puffers so I've used them in conjunction with decongestants and ibuprofen for the accompanying discomforts. Since I've been relieved of my work responsibilities I've taken to giving myself a break at midday and lying down for a rest.

Work - yes, I'm still deciding whether to resign myself to going back to nightwalk or not. As Lynda so kindly reminded me over the weekend, I still have a mortgage that needs to be paid. Thanks, hon. If I'm going back to that I'll have to make a call to my boss to arrange that to be set up as it involves a co-worker getting bumped from the spot. A few minutes ago I sent off one CV and cover letter to a local mental health agency to one contact I have in hopes they can use me. There is another counselling agency and withdrawal management centre that I can apply to locally so I'll get on that task this morning.

Yesterday there was a gathering of the clan - Lynda got her sons together to inform them of our plans to get back together. I absented myself so they would have free rein to express themselves, for good or ill, and apparently there really wasn't an awful lot said. 'It's up to you two what you do with your lives.' I headed back over afterward in order to have some time with Owen and play 'Thomas the Train Bingo'. He high fives everyone every time he get to cover a number - does jumping jacks when he gets a full card!!

Getting back to Lynda - things are still pretty abstract as yet and we still have to see how this develops but we're certainly headed in the right direction. I'm happy in that I haven't tried to coerce, persuade.....or any of that other sort of negative management of another. I've simply tried to be consistent in my messages to her about how I feel, proposed ideas and perspective for her consideration and let her make up her own mind. That is what has lead us to this point. We still have to look at a couple of specific issues and talk about overall expectations of each other in this renewed life together. There has been a lot of prayer and guidance at work here between ourselves and also from family, friends and significant others (like you out THERE). Thanks for your input and care; I appreciate your ongoing support and aid.

With having been ill there are a number of people I haven't been in touch with - some close, some afar......but I intend to pick up my end and get on those connections once again.

Good Weekend

Last night I hit a meeting with a sponsee, went for coffee and a yack afterward for an hour long talk.
This morning I was up early again to pick Lynda up so we could go into Toronto for the Home Show. It was held at the convention centre next to the CN Tower and Air Canada Centre. The show itself was good - all kinds of products and services for the home - but it always astounds me when I get into a building of that size; hundreds of thousands of enclosed square feet of SPACE! Knocks my eyes out!
This is going to be a short entry as it's time to get some rest but I did want to say that Lynda celebrated 5 years smoke free today!!! Quite the accomplishment, I'd say. Trying to get my head around another quit (which I've been stalled on for months). Actually I picked up a mixture of aromatic oils today that I'm to leave open beside the bed while I sleep; when I light up it's supposed to change how the cigarette tastes - bad. Whatever it takes....

Self Care

During a conversation the other day with my boss John, the house manager, he referred to how I'd been driving myself lately and how I needed to be mindful to take care of myself - take some downtime, get some rest, ensure I eat properly, have some fun..... 'Yes John, I know, ... I will.'

Turns out there was something to what he had to say..... I woke today sick with a cold (slightly), have medicated myself appropriately and am looking forward to a couple of light days basically lazing around recuperating. Sounds like a good plan; we'll have to see how that works out.

I've spent some time today cleaning my place, sorting through a bunch of papers, hooking up my printer and getting my DVD player working again. David Gilmour's 'Remember That Night' DVD is playing now - love it!!

Tonight I'll either join up with Lynda for the evening or go to a meeting; I need a speaker for Monday night when I chair. The last couple of times Lynda and I have been together we've talked about where we are to live - the house (her place now), or my place (the townhouse), or sell them both and find something that suits us both better. Bloody amazing changes going on. I really haven't had time to consider all this as much as I'd like.

Here's The Story .....

......and it isn't a happy one.

I don't intend to repeatedly post about this but some of you have been kind enough to send messages of support and hope, and so, an update.

After a week of unbelievable turmoil we finally had another face-to-face Sunday afternoon and the final verdict is that it's over. Time for the lawyers. She doesn't want to try to work things out, nor get counselling, nor was she able to say that she is making a sane decision. Only that she feels driven to make this move and that her thinking hadn't changed at all over the week.

I feel handcuffed and hopeless; like my life has suddenly been hijacked by a stranger inhabiting Lynda's body. Anything I propose gets a flat 'no' response.

I can't recall a period of time in my life where I've been as single-mindedly consumed by anything for this long. My mind and emotions have been all over the map and I've come up with nothing to persuade / dissuade her. Madness.

Truth be told, I feel like putting all my possessions into storage, getting in the car and going for a very long drive.

So, that's it. An ending. New beginnings..............

Update

Once I was up for the day Sunday Lynda and I did some work and some much needed running around. Had a time-out evening of watching a couple of movies and talked about nothing of consequence. Things were very quiet. We went to bed together but I wasn't able to sleep and so I'm up for the day again. My mind is too busy for sleep but my body has rested. We both have a full slate for today and tonight and are supposed to sit down again Tuesday night to see where we're at and where we might go from here.

My mind has been all over the map through the course of the last few nights. I don't understand how my 'reality' and hers can have gotten so out of whack, so quickly. I think I'm sane and grounded in the real world. I know Lynda has had a couple of people sniping in ther ear lately and that they have their own agendas and points of view - ones that I don't share.

In doing Kel's exercise I was reminded of Mazlow's Hierarchy of Needs and how you need to address the base issues in order to attain the higher ones. It seems that now the base is threatened and uncertain, it's the highest point of the pyramid that is sustaining me through this. Faith, prayer, meditation, the certainty that there is a plan I'm not privy to.

Faint hope but I'm hoping that Lynda's trouble with menopause in conjunction with allergies & meds, financial pressure and job stress perhaps have induced a temporary lapse in overall 'sanity'. Depression? I'm catching at straws here.

Thanks for your care, concern, prayers and good wishes. It matters to me.

I guess the blog title holds true - The Only Constant is Change. I may have to change my hotmail account though from heyimtheluckyone to something more appropriate.

Petition for Prayer

Please say a prayer for Lynda. Please say a prayer for me. Please say a prayer for she and I. And anyone else that comes to mind who is hurt, lonely and facing an uncertain future.

You see, we finally had that talk. I knew things weren't right; I can read Lynda pretty well, her actions, attitudes and behaviors. Foolishly, I thought we just needed some time together; to air some things out and get some communication happening. It seems that for her things are over and that I'm not to be hopeful about resolution. I'm still thinking along solution based lines and slipping occasionally into self-preservation mode. How to resolve and make things right again; then - where will I be living next month?

Strange; I did Kel's (at xfacta) exercise about our perceptions of relational things in our world after she posted the other night and things looked pretty good. Some things needed to be tweaked. I did it again last night after our talk; the new one doesn't resemble the first one in the slightest. Two hours of brutal honesty can skew the world as we know it pretty remarkably.

I didn't post last night cuz I had a lot to think about and I didn't want to spew all over these pages. I may recover this post; right now getting it down seems important. I am plugged into some good supports - I've spoken to a couple of the other counsellors here and a couple of the people I'm closest to in AA.

Owen's birthday party was today and I decided not to attend so that Lynda could enjoy the occasion as best as she was able. Feelings are too raw to be in each others faces. We're supposed to talk more stuff out Sunday.

All I've ever wanted is that she be happy. So, whether we're together or apart please pray for that.