Recovery Tale

Friday May 1 one of my fellow group members completed 2 years clean and sober. Later on today he and his wife will renew their wedding vows. When PJ arrived here for treatment he was looking for help in stopping his coke addiction; it wasn't until part way through his stay that he realized his dependence on weed and alcohol were also impairing his daily functioning. By the time he arrived here his marriage was completely off the rails... he had spent a year couch-surfing at friend's places, until he eventually ran out of friends to use. PJ was seriously in debt having spent everything he had earned and racking up his credit cards to the limit. There were also some large sums owed to some not-very-nice-people who had fronted him large quantities 'on the cuff'. He was no longer employable; he was messed up.The last couple of loving things his wife did for him were to allow him to crash in their basement on the condition he called us to seek treatment. That he did and was allowed to stay during his 5 week wait for treatment.

PJ didn't exactly dive right into the Tx experience; he had his doubts; he balked; he argued. By the time he left though he had seen the evidence in others and was beginning to see some in himself. He decided to give the recovering life a shot - try it for 90 days and if at the end you decide you like the result stick around. If not, your misery will be refunded.

So, treatment over, PJ returned to his old home but under the same conditions; under the same roof as his wife and kids but living separately. He devoted himself to attending lots of meetings, chose to join the same group as me; looked around at and found himself a sponsor; worked together on getting through the step work; and got into being of service at the group level. At home he began to get more involved in the kids lives, their activities and school work - being a father to them once again. He and Tina began to spend more time together and revisiting their past problems; hashing things out. They started 'dating' again and exploring where the relationship might go. A little over a year ago Tina started to accompany PJ to our meeting once a month or so and she was happy to attend his one year medallion presentation.

About 6 weeks ago PJ sprung the news about renewing their vows on me and asked if I'd care to attend. When the big lump in my throat subsided enough for me to answer him I told him I'd be more than happy to. See, he'd been party to what had happened between Lynda and I - the separation, buying the townhouse, the move, those times. He also witnessed that reunion, the move back home and what has transpired since. PJ was watching, witnessing and was affected by what happened. Enough to give him the hope that it could happen for them as well.

God bless them both and their shared future. I plan on getting up early today so I can make it to the church for the service and on to the reception they've planned.

Today is also the sobriety date for our group's resident 'old-timer' Terry C ., who is celebrating 27 years committed to his ongoing recovery from alcoholism. My mentor. As I'm chairing our next meeting I get to make the presentations on behalf of the group recognizing their contributions to the group. A pleasure and an honour.

Word Cloud

Here, courtesy of the folks at http://www.wordle.net/, is a word cloud I put together for my A. A. home group 'crew'. It includes points and concepts related to 12 Step recovery through the Alcoholics Anonymous program.
In the Wordle gallery it can be found as 'A. A. Reflections'.

Cloudy Guy

Last night I started scanning through the photos on my cell phone looking for a new screensaver and was, more or less, stunned to see I had over 130 shots on it. Many of them I had forgotten I'd taken. I began saving them over to the memory card and was surprised at all I found (cuz I don't really use it very often). Quite a variety and just a few that needed to be deleted. Very few with people in them - a couple of Lynda, a couple that had been taken of me with Owen or Zeph - my grandsons, one or two of my daughter Sarah during our visit to Vancouver or her visits here, one of the counsellors here clowning around.

There were a number of building shots and architectural details and landscape scenes. But the vast majority were shots of the sky and especially cloud formations. Stormy clouds, sunlit clouds, clouds at sunset and sunrise, clouds shot while driving, stacked clouds, high thin ones, lowdown and dirty ones, armadas of clouds sailing across the skies..... I came to the conclusion that I'm just a 'cloudy' guy. There must have been 70 of them taken over the last 2 years. I must get a USB cable connection for various sizes and types of storage media so I can download a few here - some of them are startlingly good. I'm constantly amazed at the clarity and vivid colour captured by such a dinky little lens.

Getting up today I was a different sort of cloudy guy - as in 'head in the clouds'. I had slept very soundly for a change and had great difficulty waking up and getting aware. Even with having been up for 4 hours before coming to work I really wasn't 100% with it and didn't feel like coming in. Concentrate - hah! Thoughts cascading like a blizzard of butterflies. I couldn't follow the path of any of them and gave up trying. Go with the flow Norm.......

What did wake me up was the half hour drive to work over snowy and icy roads. Yikes! Nothing like very real danger to kick your senses fully into gear. My mindset and mood improved once we made the bus trip to our meeting. Our driver has been sober for 15 years but hadn't ever joined a local group since relocating here from the west a number of years ago. I introduced her to one of the women I know well at that group and she wound up joining it. I nodded a hello at a guy I didn't recognize and we talked for a bit - it was his first ever meeting so I showed him some of the available literature and introduced him to some of the members. Paul was chairing the meeting and asked if I would come up and do the slogans so I got to take part. I rambled a bit but I can get carried away talking about recovery - I don't think anyone minded. The sister-in-law of one of our recent graduates came up to thank me after the meeting and promptly burst into tears; I can't recall ever getting that reaction before but there's always a first time, I suppose. The guy who spoke is a friend of mine from my first days in A.A. and his talk was brilliant - just what I needed to hear tonight.

Tonight has been much quieter around here than the last couple so I've had a chance to roam the blogosphere and check out the usual suspects. There are a few of you 'out there' that I generally keep in fairly regular email contact with but I haven't over the last few weeks. I might play catch up Friday night on that but if in the meantime you fell like dropping me a line - feel free. I'll be around.

This and That and That and That....

Newsflash!! I feel good today! / tonight! It's a nice change because I haven't been very energetic lately. Part of might be that this 70+ hour work week will be over in a few hours. Hmmm.... could be.

The other thing might be that tonight Lynda and I laid eyes on one another for the first time this week. A sight for sore eyes, fer sure, even if it was for only an hour. I had everything on the go for our BBQ dinner by the time she got in from work - the grill warmed up; peppers, onions and garlic chopped and heating in the pan; potatoes peeled and on to boil. I think it was probably late November or early December the last time I fired up the grill; lord, I was ready for a good steak. And it turned out great! I wolfed mine down, grabbed my coat and keys and had to dash for work.

Quiet night here at work; I've been killing time roaming the blogs and firing off comments and emails.

Birthday greetings went out to two great ladies who both turned 50 this week; Lazy Buddhist on the 2nd and Lea Kelley yesterday on the 7th. Now the real fun starts girls!!

Kel at 'xfacta' was good enough to post an update about their local conditions in SE Australia where they are being plagued by wildfires. Put my mind at ease somewhat after seeing reports on the evening news. An incredible heatwave with sustained temps over 40C have left everything tinder dry.

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On another note entirely.... The counsellor I'm working with tonight gave me his copy of a book to check out through the night tonight. One I'd never seen before. It's re-written Bible which relates 12 step recovery directly to scripture and is chuck full of daily meditations and other resources. For a full description, for anyone interested or to pass along, see this link: http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Devotional-Bible-Verne-Becker/dp/0310936756. There are times when I feel spiritually 'stuck' and this has come along at an appropriate time.

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A couple of posts ago I described my work schedule for this week..... besides that, when I get up early Sunday afternoon Lynda and I have a few hours of work to do during the afternoon. Dinner, relax, bed... then up for work Monday. After work Monday I'll have enough time to dash home, change and eat before going to set up my home group AA meeting. Home, bed and up for work Tuesday on into Wednesday. Get off work Wednesday morning, head home and collapse into bed for the day (I hope). Back to work Thursday. C'mon Friday!! Lynda and I are intent on keeping our dinner date but haven't decided whether to go out Friday or Saturday for Valentine's.

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It's 4 a.m. and it's a balmy +4C outside!! Positively short-sleeve shirt weather. Glorious!! I'm not sure how long it is supposed to last but I'm thoroughly relishing it while it's here.

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I have no clue as to when I'll be able to post again but I'll be checking in for comments when I can..... and roaming blogland looking in on the regular crew. Have a great week; mine is just about over. Toodles.

The Big 'Aaaahhhhh!!!'

Whew!! It's over for another year.... one more Christmas behind us.

Interesting day..... not entirely as I would have liked it but, all said and done, it was alright. The only two downsides to it were being forced to spend time listening to the toxic spoutings of stepson #2 and consequently having to bite my tongue in my own house (#!*&%$, ouch!); and being scheduled to work tonight. C'est la vie.....

Once I was up for the day (but still very much waking up) I was tapdancing about the kitchen alternately trying to help Lynda where I could and also staying so much as possible out of her way. Dinner turned out great and right on time. Good job Lynnie!! Driving to work I was feeling the effects of a very full belly - chuck full of turkey, potatoes, dressing, veggies, cheesecake and apple crisp. Lynda and I were so busy we didn't even have a chance to exchange gifts. I left for work a bit early to avoid #2 and any possible confrontation and escorted our clients to an outside meeting. (Yes, A.A. operates 365 days a year.) Good meeting - one of our weekend counsellors happened to have been asked to speak and did a good job relating his story.

Things here at work are REALLY quiet; the clients are safe and secure being here; the phonelines are still. In years past it hasn't always been so; some upset and agony through the holidays. Looks like it may be time to choose another movie to watch. Last night it was the first of the 'Bourne' series - a good solid action film. Did I mention I've picked up another series of day shifts next week? Don't think so. Thankfully these land at the end of the week so I'll have the chance to reset my body clock and rest up to recharge the old batteries. I'm feeling all of my 54 years and then some.... due for a little break. (thanks again for your kind invitation Kel - if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.)

In relation to this blog's name - Constant Change - and the upcoming New Year - and my involvement in A.A...... I haven't made new years resolutions for a number of years now because my program is one of ongoing change. This does however provide an opportunity to review my inventory, track change and progress, and try to spot any deficiencies or defects of character that need further work. I got sober when I was 48 so I may be all grown up and almost perfect if I live until I'm 96. It's important to have a plan..... lol.

For New Years Eve I've asked Lynda if she'd like to attend a city sponsored alcohol-free event at our new GM Centre. It includes an evening of free skating (something I haven't done since I was a teen), an early music performance for the kiddies, and a later one for the adults leading into the big countdown. As chance would have it the headliner is a guy who ushered in a very drunken new year for me about 25 years ago. David Wilcox - worth doing a search for - a veteran blues-rock guitarist.

Scanning the blogs earlier I see some celebrated early, some on the day and some chose to opt out and not celebrate at all. Wherever you land in that range I hope your day was a good one whether in company or alone.

Twas a Dark and Stormy Night

We've had a large storm sweeping through with 36+ hours of non-stop rain. Last night was quite mild at around 12 degC. Tonight as I was leaving home to come to work the temperature was beginning to drop like a rock due to a brisk north wind. Now it's 2 a.m. and I see the rain is mixed with sleet and snow. Southbound cars are covered with snow. Oy vey!!! It couldn't last, could it?? Here comes the long winter night. Geez, sure hope I have a snow brush and scraper in the trunk of the car.

It's a good night to be holed up where it's warm, some good tunes playing and a hot cuppa close at hand. (The tunes - Daniel Lanois 'Acadie'.)

Seeing as how there is very little actual work to do I came to work late after attending a local meeting, around 10, and plan to leave early at 5. I did up some paperwork for the week ahead so that the guy I share the job with won't have to struggle with it. Other than talking awhile with the on duty counsellor I prowled the house looking for things to do - straighten this out, fix that, clean the other. You know, idle hands and all that. Whatever needs doing.........

Actually I had a chance to write responses to two ads that were in the paper. One I have to drop off. The other needed to be faxed - is it bad form to fax a CV from your present place of employment? If so, too bad. It's already gone.

Today I have to be up early for an afternoon AA committee meeting and hope to find out more about the new position I was elected to. Monday morning is the big meeting here at work. (dun, DUN, dun, DUN, dun, DUN) Monday night I chair my home group meeting.

Sunday morning ...... winding down.

One of Those Nights

Ever have one of those periods when you sit down to write and anything you put together just doesn't feel or read right?? That was me here last night. Start a piece, go at it from different angles, rewrite, scrap it, start again..... eventually I surrendered to the idea that it wasn't to be and gave up.

..... and I knew why. I'd had a rotten time through the day trying to sleep and for no good reason didn't sleep very much. When I made it to work I escorted our clients to my home group AA meeting and on arriving there was asked to speak. Gulp, errr, uhhh, sure..... The talk went off alright but as always it got the wheels churning. It always feels different and awkward speaking in front of our clients for some reason. There are always 3 talks BTW: the one you would ideally like to give; the one you actually deliver; and the 20/20 hindsight one you wish you had done. Ah well, it is what it is.

Once we were all back here at the centre I suddenly wasn't in the mood to be here at work at all. I bore down and had all my usual work done by midnight and then had 6 hours to fill. Hmmm.... okay, extra work. 5 hours to go. Pace. Tour. Check the usual blogs. Listen to music. Long night done and off home to bed, T.G.

What else?? I've been trying to pay less attention to the market news but still hearing dribs and drabs. The Cdn dollar has taken a beating..... a few months ago it was valued higher than the USD at $1.10; now it's trading at .80 for a 30% drop. If you Yanks were considering a trip north of the border now is the time to stretch your travel dollar - c'mon up!! The good news is that gas prices have dropped substantially from a high during the summer of $1.35 per liter to today when I filled up for .93 per liter. (Still over priced of course, but....)

The last week has seen the weather cool off again. The last 36 hours have been non-stop wind out of the north-west - lots of scudding cloud and rain. They're predicting light snow here by morning with greater amounts to the east. Here we go kids - hang onto your hats.

Things with Lynda are good. We enjoyed our time together on the weekend and we normally get a couple of hours between when she gets home from work and I have to leave to come in to my work. We catch each other up on our news, we cook and clean up, watch the news, talk out the challenges we face. Such is life during my work weeks..... it's a strange way to work; 7 nights in a row and then off for 7.

Had a nice surprise email today from a blog friend which included some photos of themselves and family as well. I replied in kind. Nice to put faces with names we agreed.... and so much for anonymity.

Time for a walkabout..... later.

Lyrics As Poetry

First off; I don't know about you but I find the way most songs are usually written don't stand up very well when read from the written page. Could be just me but I don't think so. So the song I've copied here really rang with me when I heard it recited for the first time about a month ago. I've never heard it performed as a song.

Secondly; this next part has to do with AA but don't go away just yet - the payoff is the song. We'll be there in just a sec. Anyway, in this area, there are a couple of pieces of prose that have been 'adopted' by AA and are routinely read at some group meetings. They are 'The Man In The Glass' (or Gal), and 'Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow' for your information, you uninitiated ones out there. Every once in a while a speaker will close his / her talk by reading something that has been a help to them in sobriety and this song was read at one such meeting recently. This one struck me, as well as a couple of our residents at the time, so I searched it out on-line when we returned from the meeting.

The song is one written by the one and only Hank Williams - the great country swing legend - who died by the bottle on January 1, 1953 at 29 years of age. While I'm not familiar with any of his music I might just have to check it out. (He was a little before my time and I never used to listen to country music.) As always with copyrighted material I'll delete this post upon request from the owners of the material. Without any further ado here is the song: I hope you like it, too.

"Men With Broken Hearts".

You'll meet many just like me upon life's busy street
With shoulders stooped and heads bowed low and eyes that stare in defeat
Or souls that live within the past where sorrow plays all parts
Where a living death is all that's left for men with broken hearts

You have no right to be the judge to criticize and condemn
Just think but for the grace of God it would be you instead of him
One careless step a thoughtless deed and then the misery starts
And to those who weep death comes cheap these men with broken hearts

Oh so humble you should be when they come passing by
For it's written that the greatest men never get too big to cry
Some lose faith in love and life when sorrow shoots her darts
And with hope all gone they walk alone these men with broken hearts

You've never walked in that man's shoes or saw things through his eyes
Or stood and watched with helpless hands while the heart inside you dies
Some were paupers some were kings and some were masters of the arts
But in their shame they're all the same these men with broken hearts

Life sometimes can be so cruel that a heart will pray for death
God why must these living dead know pain with every breath
So help your brother along the road no matter where he starts
For the God that made you made them too these men with broken hearts

Silent night

Lord it's quiet here sometimes. It took a few of the guys a couple of hours to settle for the night but no one has stirred for the last few hours. Phones aren't ringing tonight either. I'll enjoy the peace, I suppose. I haven't even bothered to put any tunes on....... ssshhhhh.

I've kept myself occupied doing some book work and filing, catching up on some emails, crawling the blogs for my regular reads, and reviewing some AA service meeting info. I have to be up early Sunday to attend said service meeting. Later on, on Sunday, stepson #3 has invited Lynda and I over to the townhouse for a roast beef dinner. We just have to furnish the roast; he's cooking it.

Earlier today, after I'd gotten up mid-afternoon, I headed out to do some running around. I presented myself at the return desk of the library to return the books and cd's I had on loan. The gal started flipping through the cases and noticed one of the cd's was misssing and I'm thinking, 'Crap! What have I done now?' Just then an announcement comes over the P.A. saying they are closing in 5 minutes - make your choices and bring them to the desk. I have her check the cd back out to me so I can search for it, dash down the aisle to where I know the biographies are and grabbed the first one that looked interesting. Looking through it a few minutes ago and it's one I read a few months ago - this one is the softcover edition instead of hardcover but hey, the contents are the same. Crap. At home I checked the computers disc drive; no cd. Get to work and check this station; no cd. I have no clue where the damned thing is cuz these are the two places I've played it. Double crap.

So, Lynda was going out with her East Indian Trini friend after work today figuring she would be home around six. She's late, which is par for the course when they're out together, but around 6:30 she calls to say "Go ahead and eat, we're running behind.' Damn, here I'm looking forward to some tasty roti and samosa and hot & sweet dipping sauces for brekkie / dinner. I got my stuff together and stopped at Arby's for a bite on the way to work.

I made it here in time for the in-house AA meeting - each week a different AA group puts it on as a service meeting. Except tonight the group pulled a no-show. Luckily there were enough of our Friday night regulars, mostly alumni, to put it on with the help of a few of the clients doing some of the readings. The show must go on......

Another day almost done -- time to gather my gear, get ready to clear on out of here and home to bed. Have a good one.

Hmmm.....Lemme See....

During a grand total of 33 hours off work I:

1) went home and crashed for a few hours, then cleaned up and...

2) headed to the house for dinner and the evening with Lynda......

3) we watched 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' & enjoyed it, then crashed....

(and I enjoyed the best sleep I've had in weeks; slept like a dead man)

4) got up, did that job we do each weekend, dropped Lynda at the house....

5) landed in at home for a nap in order to get through the night....

6) cleaned myself up & re-joined Lynda for dinner, then came to work.

Before and during the movie it was a hoot watching our 7 year old dog Freedom playing with the new pup Milo. It was chasing Freedom's feet and leaping at her, nipping into her ruff. Freedom put up with plenty and played back very gently, nosing Milo around and occasionally laying a paw across him to hold him down. Freedom was also able to put Milo's entire head in her mouth.... a nervewracking sight at first. Free plays tag and follow the leader with him too. Milo isn't too coordinated yet so he did a fair number of somersaults and slid into a couple of walls - ouch!!

While Lynda and I worked we listened to CBC radio 2 and the musical theme for this mornings show was generally 'health' but more specifically hospitals and doctors. It made for some interesting listening with a wide range of music from a number of genres. When it was finishing Lynda remembered that the local classic rock station was featuring harmonica players all weekend - their 'Suck and Blow' weekend - so we switched stations to catch some of it. Wailing good stuff.

I've kept my camera handy lately so I'll share some of those shots when I have a chance to download them.

When I got over to the house for dinner we decided that seeing as how it had got a good deal milder it was time for a barbeque. Lynda beat it over to the store and picked up a couple of steaks; I grilled'em - good eating even though there was no time to marinade them.

Work has been good and reasonably quiet. We were at an outside meeting earlier and the guys were well behaved. We had to discharge one guy yesterday for cause - he threatened another client and there is no tolerance for that.

Re: AA stuff - I can forward on request, via email, a series of links of Bill W on video talking about early AA, his story, and the 12 traditions.

Time to check on my charges......

Feeling Punked.....

..... just only sayin'. This isn't going to be a bitch session - just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm loosing track of the weeks; I think it is 5 weeks now since I contracted the super-bug and it is definitely wearing me down. So I might not have much to say - this is basically a check-in to say I'm still around.

Tonight I'm back at work getting organized for the week. Most of the weekend was spent with Lynda at both our places. Nice to have options, ain't it? Today in the morning we rushed through 'that job' we do each weekend so I could attend an AA committee meeting. I represent my home group at the General Service district table. Then I beat it home for a quick lie down so that I might make it through the night without hitting the fatigue wall. On arising I immediately had one of my auras, this one was pretty strong and lasted a fair while - minutes instead of seconds. (Geez, think that could have something to do with my frame of mind tonight?)

Saturday Lynda devoted a few hours to cleaning Mom and Linda's place top to bottom while I took Mom out shopping. Linda is still in recuperation mode, unable to lift or bend, 3 weeks post-surgery. Saturday night, although we'd seen it when it came out, we re-watched 'Sleepless in Seattle'. Isn't memory a strange thing? I remembered almost nothing; storyline, images, nada..... I just had the vaguest of impressions that it had been a good movie that I wouldn't mind seeing again. If there was a message to be taken from it, it would be to appreciate and attend to those you love. How quickly things can change. In relating that to Lynda and I and our experiences of this last year it is very difficult to reattain 'love'. There were plenty of times that I thought myself foolish to continue trying. I'm glad now we didn't give up; we're continuing to work things out and plan for a common future.

Funnily enough - checking blog-mates posts - and there is talk of people whose posts are abruptly ended or sites deleted seemingly without reason; and the sorts of feelings that leaves for the readers who have come to 'know' them. I had been wondering a couple of times lately what would happen to mine if I should suddenly become ill or otherwise incapacitated. Send detailed instructions to cousin BJ or JPW on how to leave one last message; leave it up for a couple of weeks; then log back in and hit the delete button??? Seems a shame after all the hours spent typing away, figuring out how to post pictures and make links. Pretty pedestrian stuff for a lot of people but there was a definite learning curve at work there for me.

I'd also been thinking last week that it is time for another look for mine and it's time to update the sites I link to as well. A couple of mine have become inactive or otherwise need changing up to better reflect my interests and tastes.

Hmmmm.... seems I'm sharing this office with a mouse or a mole .... looks more like a mole. Must go usher the little bugger outside where he belongs.

and, ohhh - we didn't get all that snow we were supposed to get. It's been teeming with rain all day and night.

Taking My Time.....

......If there is any one good thing about being sick it would be the restricted energy which forces you to ssllooooww ddoooowwwnnnn......



It's been sort of nice having a few days off work so as to do not much of anything too demanding. Lynda and I managed to fill the weekend quite nicely without pushing to accomplish a great deal. I fit a couple of unscheduled naps in there when I ran out of steam.



It's back to the salt mine tomorrow though; a full day at the Tx centre and then the evening working with the young fellow again. Which reminds me - I haven't given him a name for reference here yet. The first one I dubbed Arlo so how be I call this one Woody. Our times together have been good and bad so far; some nights he's engaged and quite animated, others definitely not. As in; do you have a pulse? At times he is involved in making some changes, some good choices.... then he back slides directly into old ways of thinking and acting. Seesaw battle.



Today I spent a couple of hours giving my CV an overhaul getting it ready to be sent hither and yon. A friend had forwarded a copy of his for me to refer to as he has written it according to the most popular format of the times. According to him there is a software which scans CV's for key words and does a first rough sort for the person involved in the hiring process. Sounds a little 'big brother-ish' to me.... but time is money.



Tonight I chaired at my home group meeting and I had left arranging for a speaker until today. I put out a couple of calls around noon and one of the guys agreed to do it. He did a great job describing the extent to which his drinking had affected his life, then his approach to recovery and how life is going as he pursues ongoing sobriety. His talk tonight was somewhat different from one I heard him give some months ago and that tells me he is continuing to learn, process and apply the program in new ways.



It is likely wishful thinking but I have a half-assed plan to go visit Sarah, Daniel and Zeph in Vancouver at the end of February. With Zeph being so young and changing so quickly I'd like to be around to see as much of his young life as I'm able to witness and be part of. The big question mark as always is $$$$$'s.

Cuz I want to do more of this!!!!

Mini Ha-Ha

I came across a greeting card, produced in the UK by a company called Scrawl, that I got a chuckle out of and thought I'd share.

It reads: "I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
I still drink the same just under a different name."

Into Action

A colleague asked me a week ago to speak at a meeting tonight. I was of two minds about doing it as Lynda and I had just had our first talk but when I'm asked to do things 'program' oriented, I do it. I had assumed he was simply chairing a meeting and needed a speaker. When I arrived I found out it was his 15 year medallion celebration (you get to choose who participates in your medallion meetings - designate people for each of the readings, the slogans and the speaker). Once again I'd asked permission from our manager for time off at the beginning of my shift in order to do it. Ordinarily I don't get overly nervous but as Lynda and I had just finished figuring out what we're doing, I was pretty tightly wound. I started off kind of flat but if there's one thing that gets me excited it's talking about recovery from addiction. Once I got into it I was able to put the current personal stuff out of mind and focus on the process of personality change inherent in the 12 steps. There were a half dozen current and former staff there as well as a slew of alumni from all three of our centres. The room was at capacity - probably 80 people. My talk was well received and the evening went really well. I was glad for him; great guy.

The best way to get out of 'self' is to be of service to others. Pass it on.

Rattle and Hum

Things bobbing around my cranium:

*Lynda and I have yet to get any time in where we're both a 100% with it. She had a touch of food poisoning that knocked her out of commission for Friday night and the day Saturday. All better now tho. So, we didn't get our dinner date in - something to look forward to soon.

*While Lynda was laying low recuperating I took Mom out for a few hours looking through the used book shops and picking up a few household things. She reads 4 or 5 novels per week; knits; does 3 or 4 crosswords a day. Mom likes to be occupied doing one thing or another.

*I checked in with Sarah tonight and she's still having quite a time, nearing the end of her first trimester. She's been missing a lot of time from work and is getting sick of feeling sick all the time. I've spoken to a couple of women* lately who have been nauseous throughout their pregnancies and I hope that won't be the case for Sarah. (*in all those cases they were carrying boys - something about male hormones in their systems{?})

*While I've come to know a great many people in AA over these last few years, I don't know very many of their last names. On the new committee that I'm sitting on we use last names and I came to know that one of the women and I share a common surname. She was telling me that her father is into genealogy so we've connected him with my aunt who has all our family history. What a hoot it would be to find that we're distantly related.

*Still on AA stuff ... over the course of the last week two more guys have asked me to sponsor them which would bring the total to five. I'm thinking of starting a meeting that would rotate through each of our homes, once a week, which would be a 12 step commitment and AA Big Book study group. Hmmm ... propose it and get some feedback. Progress; not perfection. The process must be continuing and demonstrative changes happening for this to be occurring but it isn't always self evident. I know I'm nowhere near perfect and not likely to be anytime soon.

*While I attend a lot of AA meetings as part of my job (with the guys in-house) they aren't a substitute for taking time to attend on my own time, for my own benefit - so last Friday night I went to a 25 year medallion presentation. Was I ever glad I did. The speaker had a message that resonated with old-timers and newcomers alike. It reminded me of early recovery and being afraid of not attending particular meetings as I might miss something that I desperately needed to hear.

Another work week almost done

It's been a good week and in a few hours I'll be able to head home and catch some shut-eye. I've been operating most of the week sleep deprived; I guess those weeks covering the day shift have thrown me off. No big deal; I'll survive.

The lot of us had gone out to a meeting tonight on the school bus and were outside afterward waiting on it to bring us back to the house. We waited, had a smoke, waited some more, enjoyed the snow and got a little chilly....and waited! One of the women who had left at the end of the meeting pulled back into the lot to tell me our bus had broken down a few blocks away and that we were stranded. Back into the hall to make a few phone calls to get 30 of us ferried back in a fleet of taxis. That had never happened before!

Things are good here. Lynda was enjoying a night out with a bunch of her workmates tonight. I spoke to Sarah last night; she's feeling somewhat better and has put on a few pounds. I have a whole new learning curve ahead of me - my group elected me to a new position that excelerated me past a couple of interim spots - regarding AA as an organization above the group level. It should be interesting and I have a lot to read and learn.

Hmmmm...just got called on to do an intervention via phone. Buddy wasn't expecting a call from a counsellor while driving to his crack dealer's place - I think he just about wet his pants. I've never been asked to make a call like that before either. Interesting night. Ah well, he's on his way home now to someone who cares about him.

"And so it goes...." - I think that's what Kurt Vonnegut used to say.

The long week has left me with nothing much on my mind; I haven't had a chance to make many plans for next week so I'll refresh and renew myself and wait to see what unfolds. Peace.

The State of Affairs

In an effort to sleep away this cold I wound up oversleeping and getting up late; so much so that I was up, had a smoke, showered and dressed to go in about 40 minutes. Something of a record for me - I like to take my time greeting the day. I'd made a commitment to share the phone coverage at the local AA office with another of our group members and made it to the office with only minutes to spare. It was good to have a chance to just relax and talk with someone I like to spend time with. We pretty much stayed away from program stuff. We talked mostly about 'A's fitness regimin and mindful eating habits so I was telling him about Michelle's recent posts and also an emailed chart about the particular health benefits of a variety of fruits and veggies that my cousin had sent me. I left 'A' to cover the rest of the shift and made it to work in time for the inhouse AA meeting. Good meeting; speaker; message. It's a pretty quiet, focused house these days - a good group.

Lynda had a significant financial windfall recently and she's decided to be 'smart' with most of it by sticking it into a retirement account. She also decided to splurge with the balance and take us on a trip to one of the Carribbean isles. We're thinking late March; if winter ever arrives we'll be sick of it by then. The only problem may be that we're going with 2 other couples and they, along with Lynda, all drink. I don't mind being around people drinking for a few hours but once they start getting seriously altered I get edgy. I'll deal with it when the time comes; one person, one situation, one day at a time. Doesn't pay to anticipate. Regarding more practical matters - we need to get moving on passport renewal very soon or we won't be going anywhere. I have about 10 weeks to tone up and get some meat on my bones - don't want to scare anyone. In our 13 years together this will be the first time we've travelled together - awesome. Better late than never and we are due for a break.

Yes, winter! '06-'07 The Winter That Wasn't!! In this part of southern Ontario we generally have snow on the ground to stay sometime just around Xmas. Here we are almost 3 weeks later and still nothing except a couple of brief storms that left some snow for a couple of days. We've had record setting mild, wet weather so far. Gotta love rain; you don't have to shovel it! My back is grateful. Kudos to the weather gods.

Back to work for now.

Discussions

I've had a couple of significant talks with other AA's in the last few days; one about the various aspects of sobriety - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The other about perception of ourselves and our little worlds; and also how we project and perceive our projection to those about us.

Physical sobriety - On the negative side, withdrawal and post acute withdrawal are relatively short-lived. Weeks to months. Physical cravings usually leave pretty quickly. The general rule of thumb is that the farther you are from your last drink the better you feel; that's a huge plus after years of feeling like crap.

Mental sobriety - Once you start to 'own' your responsibility to recover, you've made a start. Acceptance of the disease as opposed to simple admission seems key. Vigilant, regular self monitoring of our mental condition for major deviations, positive or negative are crucial. We then have to be suspect of our best conclusions as our disease is the only one that continues to assure us that we're perfectly alright. Right up to the point where it kills us. The mental obsession to drink will leave us only when we surrender ourselves in a spiritual sense, else a 'dry' drunk.

Spiritual sobriety - The overall quality of our recovered selves, our sobriety is contigent on the quality of our spiritual condition. Surrender, acceptance, meditation & prayer, resolute compliance on a daily basis will ensure sobriety even in the most negative circumstance. We endevour to align our will as completely as possible with that of the God of our understanding. This is what most people least understand and they relapse as a result. Faith works.

Emotional sobriety - The one thing that is most apparent and also often the most overlooked. Happiness, contentment and serenity as opposed to restless, irritable and discontent. This is reflected not only in our dealings and relationships with others but inwardly as well. Listen to the 'self-talk' for a quick read on how you actually are. If it's positive you likely feel well emotionally and have successful outward dealings; negative and the reverse is likely true. People who don't follow their emotional barometer and get to the root causes of how they feel are at the greatest risk of being dissatisfied in sobriety and actively choose to drink again. 'I don't like my reality. I think I'll change it.'


The other conversation regarding perception/projection of self and others really got me thinking about the cunning, baffling nature of our affliction and complex personalities. It boiled down to this: if we trust our pereptions of self, we're foolish. If we think others perceive us as we do, we're doubly foolish. That, in a nutshell, is why it is so important for alcoholics to get outside input about what we think and feel; to open up, emote, ponder, discuss and process. One alcoholic to another, fearlessly and honestly. That's how it works.

I believe there was a spiritual intervention on the day Bill W met Dr Bob. Thank God.