Anniversary Time

Coming up in a couple of days is our wedding anniversary. It's actually our 11th but ... we did have that year or so apart there so, is it really the 10th?? Come the end of the month we will have been back together for a year once again. Man, time flies!! What else - it's about 15 years right now since we first paired up, started going out together and within a couple of months we were living together.

We share our anniversary date with my eldest brother and his wife. For them this will mark 40 years which seems incredible to me - I remember that day like it was yesterday. High school sweethearts who remain deeply in love to this day.

Our middle brother and his wife mark theirs next week and I think they're up to 33 years.

Lemme see - if I add my 3 marriages together: 8 + 2 + 11.... nope, don't even come close. Too many years alone in between.

Anyway, bottom-line. I'm very happy and grateful that Lynda and I were able to work through our 'stuff' in order to reunite and live once again as a married couple. She's a wonderful woman. If I had one wish it would be that we could spend more time together.

Just for the heck of it here is a link to a post I did which includes my favourite picture of the two of us: http://constantchangeisthenorm.blogspot.com/2007/08/fun-stuff.html



*Sue tells me the link 'aint workin'** Let's try this instead.
** Re-edited - the link ought to work now.... 4/04/09

Mis(sed) Cue

Lynda and I got back to the house near dinner time Sunday and after we had shucked off our coats she had a look in the cupboard and the fridge.

'Hmmm... damn! There's no wine in the house. I could really go for a nice glass of red wine.'

"Yeah hon, so could I. Been awhile." Baa-doom-doom! Rimshot.

Blew that one. I think the response she was looking for was for me to grab the car keys and head back out to the liquor store to pick up a bottle. Men can be so thick sometimes. Ah well, she still loves me despite my shortcomings.

Into Action

A colleague asked me a week ago to speak at a meeting tonight. I was of two minds about doing it as Lynda and I had just had our first talk but when I'm asked to do things 'program' oriented, I do it. I had assumed he was simply chairing a meeting and needed a speaker. When I arrived I found out it was his 15 year medallion celebration (you get to choose who participates in your medallion meetings - designate people for each of the readings, the slogans and the speaker). Once again I'd asked permission from our manager for time off at the beginning of my shift in order to do it. Ordinarily I don't get overly nervous but as Lynda and I had just finished figuring out what we're doing, I was pretty tightly wound. I started off kind of flat but if there's one thing that gets me excited it's talking about recovery from addiction. Once I got into it I was able to put the current personal stuff out of mind and focus on the process of personality change inherent in the 12 steps. There were a half dozen current and former staff there as well as a slew of alumni from all three of our centres. The room was at capacity - probably 80 people. My talk was well received and the evening went really well. I was glad for him; great guy.

The best way to get out of 'self' is to be of service to others. Pass it on.

Here's The Story .....

......and it isn't a happy one.

I don't intend to repeatedly post about this but some of you have been kind enough to send messages of support and hope, and so, an update.

After a week of unbelievable turmoil we finally had another face-to-face Sunday afternoon and the final verdict is that it's over. Time for the lawyers. She doesn't want to try to work things out, nor get counselling, nor was she able to say that she is making a sane decision. Only that she feels driven to make this move and that her thinking hadn't changed at all over the week.

I feel handcuffed and hopeless; like my life has suddenly been hijacked by a stranger inhabiting Lynda's body. Anything I propose gets a flat 'no' response.

I can't recall a period of time in my life where I've been as single-mindedly consumed by anything for this long. My mind and emotions have been all over the map and I've come up with nothing to persuade / dissuade her. Madness.

Truth be told, I feel like putting all my possessions into storage, getting in the car and going for a very long drive.

So, that's it. An ending. New beginnings..............

Update

Once I was up for the day Sunday Lynda and I did some work and some much needed running around. Had a time-out evening of watching a couple of movies and talked about nothing of consequence. Things were very quiet. We went to bed together but I wasn't able to sleep and so I'm up for the day again. My mind is too busy for sleep but my body has rested. We both have a full slate for today and tonight and are supposed to sit down again Tuesday night to see where we're at and where we might go from here.

My mind has been all over the map through the course of the last few nights. I don't understand how my 'reality' and hers can have gotten so out of whack, so quickly. I think I'm sane and grounded in the real world. I know Lynda has had a couple of people sniping in ther ear lately and that they have their own agendas and points of view - ones that I don't share.

In doing Kel's exercise I was reminded of Mazlow's Hierarchy of Needs and how you need to address the base issues in order to attain the higher ones. It seems that now the base is threatened and uncertain, it's the highest point of the pyramid that is sustaining me through this. Faith, prayer, meditation, the certainty that there is a plan I'm not privy to.

Faint hope but I'm hoping that Lynda's trouble with menopause in conjunction with allergies & meds, financial pressure and job stress perhaps have induced a temporary lapse in overall 'sanity'. Depression? I'm catching at straws here.

Thanks for your care, concern, prayers and good wishes. It matters to me.

I guess the blog title holds true - The Only Constant is Change. I may have to change my hotmail account though from heyimtheluckyone to something more appropriate.

Petition for Prayer

Please say a prayer for Lynda. Please say a prayer for me. Please say a prayer for she and I. And anyone else that comes to mind who is hurt, lonely and facing an uncertain future.

You see, we finally had that talk. I knew things weren't right; I can read Lynda pretty well, her actions, attitudes and behaviors. Foolishly, I thought we just needed some time together; to air some things out and get some communication happening. It seems that for her things are over and that I'm not to be hopeful about resolution. I'm still thinking along solution based lines and slipping occasionally into self-preservation mode. How to resolve and make things right again; then - where will I be living next month?

Strange; I did Kel's (at xfacta) exercise about our perceptions of relational things in our world after she posted the other night and things looked pretty good. Some things needed to be tweaked. I did it again last night after our talk; the new one doesn't resemble the first one in the slightest. Two hours of brutal honesty can skew the world as we know it pretty remarkably.

I didn't post last night cuz I had a lot to think about and I didn't want to spew all over these pages. I may recover this post; right now getting it down seems important. I am plugged into some good supports - I've spoken to a couple of the other counsellors here and a couple of the people I'm closest to in AA.

Owen's birthday party was today and I decided not to attend so that Lynda could enjoy the occasion as best as she was able. Feelings are too raw to be in each others faces. We're supposed to talk more stuff out Sunday.

All I've ever wanted is that she be happy. So, whether we're together or apart please pray for that.

Wool-gathering

Here it is, the wee small hours of Friday morning, back at work. I didn't work Tues or Wed nights so as to attend Shorty's funeral Wednesday afternoon. As funerals go this was a good one and aptly so - he was well loved. The clergy did a good job with a thought provoking talk about life and loss, celebrating a life while grieving. Five people gave brief eulogies including my daughter Sarah. If I'd tried doing that at her age (25) I'd have been a puddle. (good job!)

Still sorting out impressions of people who were there; a few I've seen fairly recently, most I hadn't seen for 15 to 20 years. Among them were high school friends and old room-mates. Time and circumstance have been much kinder to some than others. A motley crew raves on.

Following the ceremony and reception Lynda and I took Sarah to collect her things and had a quick dinner at an Indian restaurant in north Toronto. Sarah is vegan, Lynda is omniverous and I'm a carnivore - we were all happy. Great breads, spicy sauces, tender veggies and meats. We then dashed to the west end to drop Sarah at the airport for her flight home to Vancouver. She was to repack, get some rest and fly off to Hawaii with her new fiance Daniel for a week.

Yes, I didn't blog about that before - I wanted to talk to Sarah a bit more about her engagement before writing about it. Over dinner we heard about their early plans for the wedding. Then she pulled out her cell, rang him up and handed me the phone for a quicky introduction. What can I say? He sounds like he truly loves her ... she's happy and obviously loves him ... good enough for me!!

Tonight we meet up with my son Russ for dinner and a chat before he leaves town Saturday morning for Calgary. He thinks he can drive it in 3 days - I think he's pushing it. 1 day to Wawa, another to the Manitoba border and another straight across the prairies to Calgary. I dunno; it's an awful lot for someone who isn't used to driving much. That's what young people do though, isn't it? Push their limits to find out what they're capable of. Anyway, I'm looking forward to having some time with him - it doesn't happen often enough.

Work has been fairly quiet tonight with just a few restless souls getting up for a drink or a smoke; walking off the effects of bad dreams; having a quick talk with me. They sure aren't lingering outside - the weather has turned cold and wintery. Snow in the forecast - oh joy!!

Actually one of my occassional favourite winter moments is to pick a windless night when it's snowing, take a flashlight outside and point it straight up, tilt my head back and watch the snowflakes fall randomly about me in absolute silence. Mesmerizing; I could do it for hours if it isn't too cold. The visual is so strong that.. it's...difficult....to.....think.......a........complete.........thought.
Imagine that...............................bye.