Recovery Tale

Friday May 1 one of my fellow group members completed 2 years clean and sober. Later on today he and his wife will renew their wedding vows. When PJ arrived here for treatment he was looking for help in stopping his coke addiction; it wasn't until part way through his stay that he realized his dependence on weed and alcohol were also impairing his daily functioning. By the time he arrived here his marriage was completely off the rails... he had spent a year couch-surfing at friend's places, until he eventually ran out of friends to use. PJ was seriously in debt having spent everything he had earned and racking up his credit cards to the limit. There were also some large sums owed to some not-very-nice-people who had fronted him large quantities 'on the cuff'. He was no longer employable; he was messed up.The last couple of loving things his wife did for him were to allow him to crash in their basement on the condition he called us to seek treatment. That he did and was allowed to stay during his 5 week wait for treatment.

PJ didn't exactly dive right into the Tx experience; he had his doubts; he balked; he argued. By the time he left though he had seen the evidence in others and was beginning to see some in himself. He decided to give the recovering life a shot - try it for 90 days and if at the end you decide you like the result stick around. If not, your misery will be refunded.

So, treatment over, PJ returned to his old home but under the same conditions; under the same roof as his wife and kids but living separately. He devoted himself to attending lots of meetings, chose to join the same group as me; looked around at and found himself a sponsor; worked together on getting through the step work; and got into being of service at the group level. At home he began to get more involved in the kids lives, their activities and school work - being a father to them once again. He and Tina began to spend more time together and revisiting their past problems; hashing things out. They started 'dating' again and exploring where the relationship might go. A little over a year ago Tina started to accompany PJ to our meeting once a month or so and she was happy to attend his one year medallion presentation.

About 6 weeks ago PJ sprung the news about renewing their vows on me and asked if I'd care to attend. When the big lump in my throat subsided enough for me to answer him I told him I'd be more than happy to. See, he'd been party to what had happened between Lynda and I - the separation, buying the townhouse, the move, those times. He also witnessed that reunion, the move back home and what has transpired since. PJ was watching, witnessing and was affected by what happened. Enough to give him the hope that it could happen for them as well.

God bless them both and their shared future. I plan on getting up early today so I can make it to the church for the service and on to the reception they've planned.

Today is also the sobriety date for our group's resident 'old-timer' Terry C ., who is celebrating 27 years committed to his ongoing recovery from alcoholism. My mentor. As I'm chairing our next meeting I get to make the presentations on behalf of the group recognizing their contributions to the group. A pleasure and an honour.

Word Cloud

Here, courtesy of the folks at http://www.wordle.net/, is a word cloud I put together for my A. A. home group 'crew'. It includes points and concepts related to 12 Step recovery through the Alcoholics Anonymous program.
In the Wordle gallery it can be found as 'A. A. Reflections'.

Lost Friend

Every Friday night we have an in-house meeting and there is a small core group of alumni who show up every week for it. Rain or shine, holiday weekend or not these fellows are here; for their own benefit and for the good of the guys going through treatment.

On arriving in time for the meeting tonight I was shocked and saddened to hear one of them had died today. 6 weeks ago David was a vital 69 year old gentleman brimming with energy and good cheer. Last time I saw him a couple of weeks before Christmas he mentioned he was feeling off and intended to get checked out by his doctor. At first look it didn't seem to be serious but his condition worsened rapidly and he spent Christmas in hospital undergoing a battery of tests. The diagnosis was pancreatic cancer. His deterioration was incredibly rapid. Now, just a couple of weeks later he is suddenly gone.

David went through treatment here a little over 3 years ago shortly after I started to work here. He really invested himself in his stay here and jumped into A.A. life following treatment. He and his family were enjoying his recovering life. He always showed up at least an hour before these Friday night meetings and we've enjoyed many talks. I'm finding it difficult to believe he's dead and we'll never have another of those talks.

I checked the local paper's online obit page and it is posted already. I know where I'll be Sunday afternoon. Paying tribute to a friend.

Let The Trumpets Blare

I knew this was coming up and only just thought to check; I like to observe these little milestones.

Ta-Da-Dah-Dahhhh!!!!

Today marks 2,000 days sober under grace and via a miracle. If I can, anyone can.

Okay, all better now..... back to regular blogging.

But I'll leave you with this - The Serenity Prayer. A.A. meetings are commonly opened with the recitation of the first four lines.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

There were days early on when I thought I would wear out this little ditty. It got me through some tough times.

What Else??

It's getting late and I'm feeling about as bright as a 3 watt light bulb so I'm just going to ramble.

On the drive in to work tonight I was thinking about how I'd been meaning to post about the programming revamp to CBC Radio2, what I would have to say about it, and how to say it. Actually I've been holding off because I was trying to be really openminded from the get-go back when they ushered this in back at the beginning of September. Largely it has been a huge disappointment, sorry to say. And I feel really sorry for my favourite on-air personality, Tom Allen, who does the morning drive show. He must look at his playlist some days and just shake his head wanting to cry. While there is some great music being played there is an awful lot that simply doesn't deserve airplay........ it's banal, it's mediocre, it's unappealing to the ear.

I tune in at all different times of day, listen to all the shows, classical, jazz, rock, roots, blues. They've also set up 4 new sub-channels that stream on-line and I've checked them out, too. I suppose what ticks me off is that they have a reputation for excellence and what they're offering up isn't cutting it. And besides, they're operating strictly from tax dollars so I want my moneys worth. More wheat, less chaff please.

On another note - that last gasp of indian summer seems to be over; driven out by a cold front yesterday that brought some rain. It's a cool, clear night tonight with temps around 4C. There might be a bit of frost on the windshield when I go to leave in the morning. The fall colour change is peaking around here, the leaves are falling and there are waves of birds passing through on their migrations.

Some bad news to share - insanity. I'll likely get a tongue lashing here from a couple of on-line amigos but I've broken my smoking quit. Yeah, about a week ago I was going through some stuff and picked up a smoke. Still at it, too. What I feel worse about is I haven't told Lynda as yet because I thought on a daily basis that I wouldn't smoke again. We've only seen each other after I've gotten up, cleaned up and she gets home from work. Shit. I guess tomorrow is crunch time - either tell her or stop. I'd vastly and simply prefer to stop. 7 months down the tubes. But still, that tells me I can do it; I just need to stick with it and get'er done. (Not thinking about drinking or drugging though. :-)

The two main pushes for next week are a) the job search and b) stowing my belongings and getting the house properly organized. I'll need to get some book cases, other sorts of display cases and a couple of dressers in order to have places to actually put things but we can't abide the mess anymore. There might be some things landing in the trash as well. I admit it - I'm a pack rat. When did I move back?? May?? I think so. Gotta get my sound system set up too - I miss my tunes. Hmmm... procrastination.... character defect.

Time to check on the moon and the stars.......

Afterthought - About an hour after all the clients had gone to bed one of them got up for a talk. We had a nice long leisurely one about his primary danger for relapse once he leaves treatment tomorrow - resentment. He had been betrayed by his best friend and he is struggling with how to get over the hurt inflicted on him and all the other emotions wrapped up in that. That and his desire for revenge. It felt good to hash that stuff out with him and offer some meaningful ways of dealing with it. Patience, prayer, and enduring progress not perfection. Keep the good memories; dispense the bad ones. What are the reasonable expectations? What is the best possible outcome for everyone? How long is he willing to carry the crappy feelings around, and at what cost to himself? to his sanity? He shook my hand, gave me a hug, wished me well and went to bed smiling.

Into Action

A colleague asked me a week ago to speak at a meeting tonight. I was of two minds about doing it as Lynda and I had just had our first talk but when I'm asked to do things 'program' oriented, I do it. I had assumed he was simply chairing a meeting and needed a speaker. When I arrived I found out it was his 15 year medallion celebration (you get to choose who participates in your medallion meetings - designate people for each of the readings, the slogans and the speaker). Once again I'd asked permission from our manager for time off at the beginning of my shift in order to do it. Ordinarily I don't get overly nervous but as Lynda and I had just finished figuring out what we're doing, I was pretty tightly wound. I started off kind of flat but if there's one thing that gets me excited it's talking about recovery from addiction. Once I got into it I was able to put the current personal stuff out of mind and focus on the process of personality change inherent in the 12 steps. There were a half dozen current and former staff there as well as a slew of alumni from all three of our centres. The room was at capacity - probably 80 people. My talk was well received and the evening went really well. I was glad for him; great guy.

The best way to get out of 'self' is to be of service to others. Pass it on.

Ramble on

My assignment to cover for a sick collegue is over; I started back on nights Wednesday night. That's fine, too. I knew it was a time limited thing and it was good while it lasted. I enjoyed taking an active part in the guys early recovery. Last night was a busy one getting organized for the balance of the week. It's a short one - just 4 nights instead of 7. Even with being busy I had an opportunity to write here but chose not to as I was in a pretty lousy mood. I put it down to my lingering cold - I can psych myself to put up with one for a week or so but when it drags on into 11 or 12 days well, enough is enough. 'Nothing that a big bottle of rye wouldn't cure.' - stinking thinking.

I took time to check in by phone tonight with my son Russ in Calgary and daughter Sarah in Vancouver. Russ is busy working 2 jobs getting himself into better financial shape and fitting a busy social life around his work. Sarah is struggling through this early stage of pregnancy; she's prey to sudden mood swings and admits she's hard to live with and be around. I encouraged her to make a conscious decision at the beginning of each day to make the best of it.

One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is making another attempt to quit smoking. The plan is coming together but needs more work. The date has been chosen but I need to sit down and write about positive expectations & benefits as well as minimizing the negative aspects i.e. severity of withdrawal. It was brought home again today when talking on the phone to Lynda - a good friend of hers at work was in remission from one type of cancer and has just been diagnosed with another in both lungs. Death sentence. She's younger than us and has never smoked. Lynda is coming up on 4 years smoke free and is very supportive of me quitting. If I get much more 'cleaner-living' I'll soon be eligible for the sainthood. What's left??

After lights out tonight I had a long wide-ranging discussion with one of the clients who was having trouble settling for the night. What I'm finding is that it's often harder to lead someone back to faith once they've lost it rather than introducing a faith-based solution to someone who has never had it. I wound up telling him that we'd have to change his name from Peter to Thomas (of the doubting variety). If you've ever read 'Games People Play' - this guy was playing a perfect game of 'Yes, but...'. Always another challenge, doubt or question. Close your eyes, believe, get off the gunwale of the boat and start walking. When you open your eyes and see you're walking on the water you'll have your proof that faith works. Don't ask for assurances up front. Believe and then find your own evidence.

Enough sermonizing for now - must check on my charges.

Discussions

I've had a couple of significant talks with other AA's in the last few days; one about the various aspects of sobriety - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The other about perception of ourselves and our little worlds; and also how we project and perceive our projection to those about us.

Physical sobriety - On the negative side, withdrawal and post acute withdrawal are relatively short-lived. Weeks to months. Physical cravings usually leave pretty quickly. The general rule of thumb is that the farther you are from your last drink the better you feel; that's a huge plus after years of feeling like crap.

Mental sobriety - Once you start to 'own' your responsibility to recover, you've made a start. Acceptance of the disease as opposed to simple admission seems key. Vigilant, regular self monitoring of our mental condition for major deviations, positive or negative are crucial. We then have to be suspect of our best conclusions as our disease is the only one that continues to assure us that we're perfectly alright. Right up to the point where it kills us. The mental obsession to drink will leave us only when we surrender ourselves in a spiritual sense, else a 'dry' drunk.

Spiritual sobriety - The overall quality of our recovered selves, our sobriety is contigent on the quality of our spiritual condition. Surrender, acceptance, meditation & prayer, resolute compliance on a daily basis will ensure sobriety even in the most negative circumstance. We endevour to align our will as completely as possible with that of the God of our understanding. This is what most people least understand and they relapse as a result. Faith works.

Emotional sobriety - The one thing that is most apparent and also often the most overlooked. Happiness, contentment and serenity as opposed to restless, irritable and discontent. This is reflected not only in our dealings and relationships with others but inwardly as well. Listen to the 'self-talk' for a quick read on how you actually are. If it's positive you likely feel well emotionally and have successful outward dealings; negative and the reverse is likely true. People who don't follow their emotional barometer and get to the root causes of how they feel are at the greatest risk of being dissatisfied in sobriety and actively choose to drink again. 'I don't like my reality. I think I'll change it.'


The other conversation regarding perception/projection of self and others really got me thinking about the cunning, baffling nature of our affliction and complex personalities. It boiled down to this: if we trust our pereptions of self, we're foolish. If we think others perceive us as we do, we're doubly foolish. That, in a nutshell, is why it is so important for alcoholics to get outside input about what we think and feel; to open up, emote, ponder, discuss and process. One alcoholic to another, fearlessly and honestly. That's how it works.

I believe there was a spiritual intervention on the day Bill W met Dr Bob. Thank God.

Periodical Posting

Where this blog relates to publishing..... well it isn't a daily; certainly isn't a serial and I hope it never becomes a soap. It's just going to have to fit somewhere along the pace of life...periodically.
It's been a very hectic, off balance, sometimes frustrating, occassionally rewarding and painful stretch for the last month or so.

The only highlights in the last week have been some good time spent with Lynda, getting to a meeting with a new sponsee (and getting to know him a bit better), and helping another sponsee with some step work. And we heard a wonderful speaker at tonights meeting who had a very powerful message of recovery - a very engaging young gal who attained one year sobriety yesterday.

My heart sank when Sarah called Friday morning to say that Shorty had suffered a stroke on Thursday morning. Her Mom and Russ had flown in from Calgary Thursday night; Sarah arrived from Vancouver Friday morning. Lynda and I joined the rest of the family at the hospital for the balance of the day Friday but it was clear that there was no hope for recovery. We carried on over the weekend with our work about the house but our hearts weren't really in it - our minds were elsewhere. My friend and work mate John has offered to cover my shifts on an 'as needed' basis this week; for that I'm grateful. Relief of that worry!

So I'll continue to write when I can; it just won't be as often as I'd like. Next time something more cheerful - honest.