Upcoming Hiatus

Now that my workweek is almost over "The Plan" comes into effect. Seeing as I've had no time to devote to getting the house ready to sell, that's where my time and energy will be directed to the exclusion of everything else. (Well, except the meeting I'm chairing Monday night) That and finding a place to move to. If I were able to do that it'd make things much easier knowing how much space I'll be working with.

What it boils down to is that I don't expect to be posting here for a bit unless I'm unable to sleep and need to find something quiet to occupy myself with.

We're into a 'good day/bad day' cycle. As good as Thursday evenings dinner and theatre was, contrasted with Friday eve before I came to work - it was BAD. Enough so that it continued to affect me straight through the night. I just wasn't able to shake it. (And thus, didn't post) Tonight before work we were back to getting along fine; sorting what each is taking, trading this for that, laughing things off, big hug on the way out the door - go figure!?!?

REALLY BIG NEWS!!!!! My copy of Jeff Beck's 'Official Bootleg USA '06' CD arrived in the mail Friday. I'd listened to it in bits and pieces in the car and have gone straight through it twice tonight. I don't have superlatives big and encompassing enough for it. He's a master craftsman at the top of his art form. Stellar. The fact that it was produced from the raw soundboard mix makes it even more amazing - no edits or overdubs. He closes with a performance of 'Over The Rainbow' that just about makes you weep.

I'm going to try and 'cut and paste' a link here. It's a 12 minute monologue by late night talk show host Craig Ferguson about media's responsibility to leave 'at-risk' celebrities alone when it's apparent they're about to self-destruct. He references the Britney Spears and Anna Nichole Smith situations; then relates it to his own alcoholism and recovery thereof. I wish more people would speak out against tabloid print and TV - they pour gasoline on potent personal situations, then run about gleefully reporting on the escalating despair. Sickening. Check out Ferguson's thought provoking take on it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA .

Twelve minutes well spent.

**update - I just tried the link and it didn't work - maybe it will for you. If it doesn't, I'd encourage you to track it down on YouTube.

Gratitude

Melodie Beattie is an author who has written about codependency and also a number of books of inspiration. Here's one I found regarding gratitude.

'Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.

It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity....

It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.'

Holiday From Troubles

A client heard during his stay that he was facing even greater problems than he'd expected when his treatment with us was to be completed. He was up all night stewing about it and by dinner the next day he'd worked himself into quite a state; to the point where he wanted to self-discharge and go find his drug of choice. I overheard a counsellor pull him aside and advise him that in a very real way he needed to allow himself a 'holiday from his troubles' and to do it in a very conscious way. Push the thoughts from his mind and every time they started to slip back in again, sweep them away. My initial impression was that it sounded trite and superficial but evidently he took it to heart and applied himself. Over the course of the evening I could hardly believe the change in him; his presentation, attitude and the way he conducted himself. Transformed. I filed that one away.

On the way to dinner tonight I ran over the concept with Lynda and we agreed to stay away from contentious issues and focus on recalling positive aspects of our years together. People we've known, family events, periods where we've supported and encouraged each other, the people we've grieved over together. Outcome? We had the best time together that we've had in months. Has anything changed? No. Back to reality and splitsville tomorrow but tonight's dinner was great.

We ate one of a chain of restaurants called the 'Keg' and it's primarily a steak house. It was the finest meal I've had in months - lobster and crab bisque, prime rib roast beef, garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus and a virgin Caesar. Beautiful - I was full to bursting.

Unfortunately the theatre wasn't too terrific. We'd visited with Mom and sis Linda for a bit before taking Mom along to the theatre. After the first act of the farce the lot of us looked at each other, shrugged and asked if anyone wanted to sit through the second. It was unanimous - we headed for the door. Normally the productions are quite good but this particular one wasn't. We'll see what they come up with next month.

Sis Linda is off to Cuba yet again today, this time for 2 weeks. I'll be doing some sleepovers at Mom's.

Lynda finds out today if she's been approved for an apartment she applied for. It's walking distance to her work so she'll be able to save some money on gas & wear and tear on her car. She mentioned tonight that this will mark the first time in her life that she's lived alone - from her parents, to first marriage at 17, to moving in with & then marrying me. Amazing. She thinks she'll be able to have our dog, Freedom, at the new place. I don't know where I'm going but hope to take the two cats, Libby (Liberty) and Buddy/Fatman.

Things will work out the way they're supposed to.

Touchback

Notes on a few things I've written about or that have happened lately.

Sister Linda and I had that lunch date and she's happy living with Mom. She doesn't want to be relieved of that responsibility and pointed out that should Mom need some sorts of personal help, it'd be more appropriate (and less embarrassing) for Linda to do that. She also picked up the cheque - atta girl!

The numbers have been crunched and I've given up the idea of trying to keep the house. It's too big for one person; I can't afford it alone; and I don't want to take in boarders. I think I could use some time to myself for a while.

We didn't bother to get a second valuation opinion and signed the listing with the agent late yesterday. Showings start as early as Tuesday. Yikes, lots of clearing out and packing to do.

If the house should sell quickly and I'm able to line up somewhere to move, I think I will take off for a week. Jump in the car, point it down the highway and follow the lines wherever they lead. Motel 6 still has good rates, don't they?? I'm in need of some thing new, fresh on the eyes, a different pace.

One of the counsellors asked what I'm doing in regard to self-care. Hmmm..... distinctly long pause...... well, reading a bit, writing a bit, taking in more meetings that usual, talking stuff out. "How're you eating? Getting any sleep?? Exercising? Relaxing? Having any fun?" Let's see - not much, a little, no, no and no. "You need to get on that before you get good and sick." Okey-dokey. 10-4. Loud and clear.

I'd mentioned the smoking cessation blog callinitquits.com. It's both a quit diary and terrific source of information. I had a really nice email from Susan today and I wanted to share her final thought here. The Chinese word for crisis - wie die - has dual meaning; both danger and opportunity. There are no coincidences; I needed to hear that today.

Reading for pleasure is something I haven't done a lot in the last few years; I like to but hadn't until a couple of weeks ago. A friend lent me Frank McCourt's 'Angela's Ashes' and I've really enjoyed it. I'm down to the last few pages and don't want it to end. Here are a few that friends have recommended to me lately which are either philosophic or spiritual in nature.
Man's Search For Meaning - Victor E. Frankl
The Four Absolutes - Don Miguel Ruiz
Spirituality of Imperfection - ???

Lynda did wind up going out with her workmates to celebrate her birthday so she and I are going for dinner tonight before we take Mom to the theatre. I can't even remember what the production is; I guess I'll find out when we get there. Strange, I couldn't think of an appropriate gift for Lynda this year. The important thing is that, by the numbers, she's a year older than I am once again. (Ha, ha, ha)

Power of Music

I'd just arrived at work and was doing a circuit of the house when I passed one of the bedrooms. One of our guests was playing a CD and I'd heard just a couple of bars, recognized and reacted instantly to it. Bang!! Throat closed, tears welling. Bob Marley's 'Redemption Song' from 'Uprising'. Emphatically played solo guitar; Bob's incredible voice; powerful lyrics. How is it that a sound can do that??

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds."

Sobriety

Just in case anyone has wondered....

No, my sobriety isn't threatened. I value it too much to consider picking up a drink or a drug. Although this is a 'one day at a time' program I do like to keep track of little milestones along the way and yesterday marked 3 years 8 months since my last drink. There is a 'sobriety calculator' on one of the AA sites that I just checked - 1,340 days and counting. (and that isn't bragging; I failed every time operating on my own will) It even gives an approximation of how many heartbeats - 115.7 million.

Do I ever feel like a drink? Very occasionally, and usually by association. An occasion or particular meal will prompt memories of a favourite wine, beer or liquor. I still sniff a glass of wine sometimes when it's just poured; it's enjoyable and doesn't bother me. My last serious craving is beyond memory now.

It seems funny now as I spent so much time drunk or stoned but I have a hard time spending time with people who are seriously altered. I don't know how I'd make out working in a detox and dealing with someone at the tail end of a week long bender. Ever notice when drunks want to emphasize something they simply repeat themselves and get progressively louder each time they say it. Heh, heh, heh...that was me.

Four years ago, right now, I was in the midst of a period of on-and-off relapse that almost cost me my life. A little too close for comfort; I wasn't quite over the edge but I could see it clearly and it wasn't pretty.

In recovery the one thing I fear is complacency; that sobriety loses its priority. Yes, that spells SLIP. That would mean that I wasn't being compliant with my own wishes for something that is in my very best interests. I'd have to ask myself why I wasn't willing to attend meetings, talk program with AA people, my sponsor and sponsees, do service work and offer what I've come to know to the newcomer. If I recognize those sorts of things I need to ask if I have some sort of death wish instead of a desire to live a healthy, balanced life.

Could I ever be a social drinker again? No. I know me. I know I could never be that vigilant about controlling drinking to be able to trust myself. I'm just not that much of a gambler and that's what it would be, a toss of the dice with really lousy odds.

So, if you're not like me, please enjoy a drink and perhaps hoist one for me. I'll be over here enjoying my tea, coffee or juice. Thanks anyway.

**One thing I did do yesterday was dig through my night-table drawer to get my original 24 hour/desire chip and my one year medallion to carry around again. Talismans, significant keepsakes, 'remember-whens'. Keep it close, keep it real. If you've never seen a medallion - they're oval (so we don't cut corners), smooth on one side and rough on the other, and it's inscribed with my name, dry date, group name (Grace) and the slogan I chose - 'Faith".

Random Ramblings

This title is a direct steal from Michelle at 'seeking serenity'. Thanks 'chelle. (credit where its due and all that)

Sunday was a 24 hour day for me and it was physical bliss to slide between the sheets when I got home from work Monday a.m. It took a while to wind down but once I did, I did some serious sleeping...about 9 hours worth. I was pretty loggy for the first few hours today but otherwise doing well.

Before coming to work tonight I checked in with Lynda via phone and we had the nicest, most civil, friendliest conversation we'd had since I don't know when. I'd managed to lose the anger and hurt I'd been carrying all weekend. It was mainly nuts and bolts stuff about selling the house; where she and her sons may go; and the fact that today is her birthday. She has tentative plans to go out to eat with some of the women she works with but if that falls through we're going out for dinner before I come to work. A mutually agreed suspension of hostilities.

I mentioned a while ago that I had it in mind to try and quit smoking again. With all that's been going on I've had to be satisfied with maintaining at about half my usual consumption; and that's okay for now. The only way in which it has increased is when I've been putting in the 18 - 24 hour days but only because I've been up so many hours in a row - I've been consistent at least. I've been following a woman's (Sue's) quit diary blog and being the helpful, opinionated sort that I am - commenting. You can follow our back and forth at callinitquits.com.

Thankfully the house population here at the Tx centre is down a bit and with the exception of a couple of younger guys, relatively quiet. Just what the doctor ordered.

Meditation and Prayer

So much as possible I've been actively, consciously engaging in meditation and prayer to allow my mind some respite. It's been a sometimes frustrating exercise as I know that I won't get what I want; our lives back. What I can do is direct the outcome so it is the best possible one for all of us involved. It's a mode I can slip in to almost anywhere, anytime but last night at days end I was exhausted, worried and mentally over-loaded. It was time to hit the deck, get on my knees and ask for some help.

What to ask for: Some Good Orderly Direction in thought, word and deed. Relief from worry. Sanity. Protection for Lynda from dangerous situations and people. Sanctuary. Resolution. The ability to make decisions in the midst of chaos. Patience. Tolerance. Self control.

Thanks for: family, local friends, global friends, my extended AA 'family', work that I love and which distracts me from our troubles, my workmates. Values, ethics, beliefs that sustain me.

Does it work? Yes, sporadically and briefly. That's why I'm doing it more often.

But I find I'm wearing down and getting more reactionary. Any time that I'm home and Lynda is due to arrive the tension begins to build. We can barely stand to be in the same room anymore. And I shake my head in disbelief. Until very recently my wedding band was my most prized material thing. Now it's a mere bit of metal that I'd just as soon chuck into the river.

I think it's Vince Gill who sang: "There's No Love Here Anymore".

Time for more meditation, prayer and G.O.D.

Hurry Up -- Relax!

Just kidding. It's been awhile since I worked one of these Saturday day/overnight shifts and I'd forgotten just how busy they can be sometimes. There are times when everything goes smoothly and quietly. Then there are days like today..... so I'm taking a few minutes to myself while the guys are at an outside meeting to regroup.

Saturdays are visiting day; often it's a chance for the guys to share an hour or two with their sweeties and kids and all is smiles and laughter. Today...not so much. I ran a meeting with the house population this morning and ever since I feel like I've been running about the house stamping out little fires. Conflicts between guys, mediating between husband and wife, smoothing things between clients and their grown children.....now I have to be prepared in case anything happened while they were out. I'm glad most of them had good visits.

I get to sleep over, run a counsellors meeting and then leave around 9. There's an AA committee meeting to attend from 1:30 til 3. Then I have to be back here for my usual rotation of night shifts by 7.

On the homefront; we had a real estate agent over late Friday to give us a valuation of the house. That was an emotional smack in the face when the agent went to leave; such a feeling of finality. We're hoping to have another opinion Sunday, Monday or Tuesday; then choose the agent. Price it reasonably, don't get greedy, sell quickly and get on with life. Cut and run. Deal with the feelings later.

I'm already thinking of how I want to organize the space I move into - now I just need the space.
Wish me luck.

Talk, Talk, Talk

..........and Think, Think, Think.

There isn't a whole lot new except I'm just about talked out. I've had some lengthy conversations with Mom, Sarah, Sister Linda, my fave aunt, AA people, folks at work, my boss, my sponsees. Between times I think; think about all the options facing me. And there are a slew of them. I just picked up an idea from Michelle at 'seeking serenity' - house sitting for a period of time. It'd give me that all valuable time to sort out all the variables. I'm leery about jumping into anything that requires a long term commitment ( a lease, a job) when I have so many things up in the air. Ultimately I do have to choose but I don't like the time pressure.

I've spoken separately to both my stepsons living here. I thanked #2 for his financial help getting through this winter and wished him well with his plans to move on. He and I don't like one another and I think that freaked him out but it needed to be said. #3 is hurting and I told him my ears are available if he wants to talk. Also that I like our relationship and that it doesn't have to change. He came round later and asked what my plans are and offered to help me when I move.

The financial calculations haven't been made but I'm checking to see if I can make arrangements to buy Lynda's interest in the house. I'm not optimistic of the chances but that would be one solution. I'd have to take in boarders and I'm not sure at this stage of my life that I want to do that.

Sarah is all revved up - she wants Dad to move to Vancouver and is checking into work opportunities. We were on the phone last night for quite a while and I told her I'd think about it but not to get set on the idea. Go slow, girl.

Last night was the first night I didn't get out to a meeting; I just felt like a night in, relax and veg in front of the TV. But right now I really should go and get something accomplished.

Spring is Sprung

I'm glad we didn't have a lot of snowfall this year as it would have meant for flooding with the quick onset of warmer weather. What a swing in temps - up to 14C yesterday. We'll enjoy this hiatus while it lasts; it often snows as late as April 10. (my bro's b'day) I couldn't believe my eyes the other afternoon; I was on the patio and saw a pair of robins out on the greenbelt in back of the house, running around on the patches of grass amongst the remaining snow. During that long cold spell there were entire weeks when I didn't see any sort of bird. I don't know if they left the area or hunkered down somewhere out of the wind but they sure made themselves scarce.

Mom & I spent a couple of hours running around town yesterday and when I got her home I sat her down and told her what's going down with Lynda and I. She took the news pretty well, better than I expected actually - said some supportive sorts of things. I also informed Sarah, Russ and their Mom via email (which may seem kind of strange to some) but I wanted the same message being put out at the same time to all, without the repetition of having different conversations. And with time differences, different work hours and such email made sense.

Sarah tried calling but I'd already left for a meeting and so she sent a lengthy email reply saying that Lynda had been more of a mother (at points) than her own had been and couldn't imagine the family without her. Then off on a tangent.....there are loads of alkies and addicts in Vancouver and agencies to help them who need counsellors like me.......and I could stay with she and Daniel and the baby till I get on my feet. You just never know; basically I'm free to do whatever I want.

The very only thing holding me here is Mom. My sister Linda has lived at Mom's place for the last few years so I'm going to meet her for lunch and see where she's at with that. There are times she doesn't seem happy there and the time may be ripe for a change for her, too. If she should want to move along it's time for me to devote some time to Mom's care. And that would be fine; I love the time we get together - it just hasn't been happening often enough.

So, it's early in the day. I have some calls to make, chores to do and more job searching to do. Oh, and start sorting and packing - a lovely chore in itself. Pitter, patter...better get at 'er.

Sunday, Sunday

Hmmm...I said I wouldn't blog repeatedly about this. I lied........it's on my mind, sorry.

We talked and agreed we're dead in the water. No hurry to call the lawyers in as we have little money but we'll be listing the house soon, selling, splitting the possessions and going our separate ways.

Thankfully Lynda didn't look as rough today as she did last Sunday and I told her I was glad about that. These aren't pleasant times but there's no need to beat yourself silly with a bottle of rum.

We're having a hard time simply being in one anothers presence so I headed out to a meeting after dinner (well, my breakfast). I imagine I'll be doing a lot of that. The speaker at tonights meeting was the guy I share my job with (I do 7 nights; he does the next 7) and he did a great job. He incorporates a lot of humour in his talk. We do some pretty outlandish things when we're drinking.

I did speak to one gal there who owns a business to feel her out about whether my past work experience is applicable to her needs; it doesn't look likely in that particular case but she has contacts that may be of value to me. I just emailed another friend who works for a huge firm to put the bug in his ear - he hires and fires. Actually we shared a room when we were in treatment; room 6, beds 20 & 21. He hates it when I tell people we've slept together - drives him nuts. "Same room; separate beds!!!!'

Russ's birthday is today and I caught him on his cell as he was driving his Mom home after they'd had dinner together. 24 - that's the age I was when I met his Mom. He's happy and doing well.

Brand new day tomorrow!!

End of Another Week

I've been doing some personal housekeeping though the course of the night here at work. After I'd completed my work I began cleaning out a satchel that I carry back and forth to work each day. It was starting to weigh way too much and no wonder.......besides CD's & DVD's and a couple of books it was jammed with newspapers, work schedules and bulletins, AA commitee stuff, meeting and conference info, my monthly planners. You name it, it was in there. There are a few pounds of outdated papers in the shredder box now and I'm sure my lower back will be happy about that.

One thing I came across was a clipping I'd cut from one of the Toronto papers. If you'd like to see a beautiful example of religious architecture circa 1840 go to www.sharontemple.ca; I wish they'd included more photos but the one on the main page is good. They give a good account of the history and philosophy of the sect that built it. It's completely lit by lanterns and candles.

What else - the weather is much milder; that's a blessing. It was above freezing yesterday and we've had a mix of rain, freezing rain and snow during the last couple of hours.

Lynda - I don't think there is anything within my power, to say or do that will change things. She seems not to care. She's off partying with her girlfriend again tonight, same as last Saturday. When she came home Sunday afternoon she looked bad; like she'd been dragged backward through a knothole. It took until Wednesday for her to recoup from that session. It takes two to tango. I can't do it alone. She has to be willing. We'll have another go tomorrow and see what that brings.

Tomorrow will be down time. Over the last 5 weeks I've logged 300 hours work and had way more than my share of 20 hour days. Lord, I get tired just thinking about that. There hasn't been a great deal of sleep to be had. Monday might just have to be a day of rest as well. I'm due; getting a tad too old to keep this up much longer. Otherwise I'll be concentrating my efforts on the job search - if anyone is looking for a dedicated employee who is willing to really apply themselves to the job at hand............

Bits & Pieces

**I keep asking for, and getting, a couple hours off at the beginning of my shifts for one reason or another. It's a good thing I have a decent boss. Most recently it was so that I could take part in a service meeting that our group had been scheduled to put on Wednesday evening at the local detox. Four of us showed to run it and we did most of the 'work' but included a couple of the patients by giving them readings to do. Turned out when I got in tonight that one of the patients was admitted here Thursday a.m.

** Lynda heads off to visit her mother after work tomorrow; she's taking her out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. Lord knows when she may show home. I think the old doll is turning 79(?) My son Russ turns 24 on Sunday out in Calgary.

**Last night got busy for a few hours here with different guests getting up to talk about issues that are coming up for them as they go through treatment. As a result I didn't get to something really important; ordering that Jeff Beck CD. I got online and did that tonight after they'd all gone to bed. (Just kidding about the priorities there)

**The weather has been absolutely frigid for the last six weeks as wave after wave of Arctic air sweeps down from the north. Nighttime lows usually around -20C; daytime highs around -10C. Gusting winds to 75 kph make for -40C windchills. The end may be in sight; the long range forecast is calling for highs around +7C by Tuesday. Bring it on. That will feel like Speedo weather.

**We're changing the clocks to daylight saving time 3 weeks earlier than usual this year; this Saturday night. I think the change was initiated south of the border and we're doing the same to stay in sync.

**I spoke to Sarah a couple of nights ago and she isn't any better. She's being referred to the women's hospital and their ob/gyn dept in hopes they'll have a solution. Sarah is 17 weeks along now. I didn't bother filling her in on the situation with Lynda as I don't know what is going on myself.

**This coming week I think I'll start culling my belongings in to the 'keep, sort later and chuck' piles. One thing I don't know what to do with is the 500-600 vinyl records that have been languishing under the stairs forever. I haven't had an operable turntable for ages but I'd hate to throw them out. The soundtrack to my earlier years and all that.....

**Friday when I get up I'm supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner. I met him through NA about a year and a half ago; he relapsed in the fall, came through here for treatment just before Christmas and recently joined my home group. He's a good guy and it's nice to see him doing well.

Transgender

Interesting topic. We spent some time on it in school as T/G, like addiction, comes under the umbrella of mental health issues. As part of the overall suitability psych evaluation to take part in a T/G program there should be a substance use assessment. That leads me to believe the fellow who called me hadn't had it or hadn't been upfront and honest about his use / abuse of alcohol to those assessing him.

One thing the doctors don't want post-surgery if for someone to come out of the ether asking, "You let me do WHAT? Couldn't you tell I'm crazy? alcoholic? addicted?"

Apparently the surgical advances in recent years put the results light-years ahead of what things were like when they began doing these surgeries.

Stranger Than Fiction

As you can imagine we get all sorts of calls here at the centre; people who are drunk or high and looking for someone to talk to; desperate for treatment; in crisis, sometimes suicidal. I've fielded a couple of late night calls this week that caught me off guard and had me at a loss for words. That doesn't happen very often.

The first was a 31 year old woman, coke addicted, who works as a stripper and was calling to enquire about treatment. We wound up talking about various things, mainly treatment, program and addiction topics for over an hour. At the end of the conversation she told me that I sounded like the nicest man she'd ever spoken to and would I sponsor her in her recovery? Hmmm....very tempting......but entirely inappropriate. Men sponsor men; women sponsor women - it keeps things much less complicated.

The other was a man who had a very feminine voice; also inquiring about treatment. After I had explained the parameters of our program he asked if we had a program tailored to people like him. 'What do you mean by that exactly?' Turns out he's half way through the transgendering process; he's on hormone therapy, had breast implants, some electrolysis but hasn't had the genital surgery as yet. I had to refer him to a couple of other larger, more specialized centres. At the end of the conversation he insisted that I take his phone number, thanked me for my understanding and help and then told me I was free to call him anytime; that I sounded like a very nice man.......very long pause.....uh, thanks...I think. I'm still not sure if it was a legit call or if I was being pranked. I think it was the real thing but.....

I just never know what a night of work is going to involve. It sure keeps life interesting.

Music Fix

In response to a recent review of John Mellencamp's most recent CD by Glen at 'The Worldwide Glen', I'd told him that would be my next purchase. Oooopps! Turns out I lied.

For the last while I've been trying to build a DVD music library of acts I enjoy and I tend to treat myself to something new when I'm down or feel in need of some small reward. I couldn't afford myself when I was drinking and subsequently have saved literally thousands of dollars in sobriety so.....a little music now and then doesn't hurt. (Rationalization? Whatever works.)

Browsing through the store I found a 2000 release by Jeff Beck on CD that I thought I already had; 'You Had it Coming'. It turns out I hadn't. I've heard half the songs in one form or another elsewhere but there are some other gems here, too. Doing a search of his website brought me the news that there's a web only release of another 'official bootleg' from his tour last fall of the western U.S. - I'll be ordering that baby a little later tonight; I can't seem to get enough of his playing. He was also supposed to be recording some new material during that tour but I can't track down any news regarding that.

The DVD I picked up at the same time is Neil Young's 2006 release 'Heart Of Gold'. The first disc is the concert he and the band performed at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville and features all the songs from his 'Prairie Wind' CD followed by a selection of his greatest hits which coincide with the theme. I was enthralled for the full 100 minutes. Besides the core band, he had on different songs, a brass section, strings, a guitar orchestra, choir and a number of back-up singers including his wife Pegi and the breath-taking Emmylou Harris. (I've had a schoolboy crush on her since she came on the scene back around 1970; her heart shaped face makes my heart go pitter-pat) I haven't viewed the second disc as yet but it includes rehearsal footage, interviews and 2 bonus tracks.

He mentions in pre-song intro's that he'd lived in Winnipeg when he was young but he also spent a few years about 15 miles west of here in Pickering and a couple more in the village of Omemee, 60 miles east. His late father, Scott, was a famous newspaper columnist for the Toronto Telegram.

Music is soooo gooood for the soul!!!

Hello Taiwan!!

This is going to be one of those frivolous ones; time to have a little fun.

One thing I managed to do a couple of weeks ago was to add a site meter to the blog (with a little difficulty - but hey, I'm not too bright where it comes to some things). I get to see who is visiting and where they are, how long they stay, how many pages they view. Pretty cool. I like it. Nice to see the total number of visits climbing.

Of course I recognize which are my blog buddies - you know who you are! What surprises me is the variety of other people who check the site and where they're from. Had one from northern England yesterday, a number from across the U.S., a couple of places in Canada and whuzzup?? with this?? one from Taiwan!!

So hello Winnipeg, Boise, San Fran, Texas, Michigan, Illinois, Iowa and Arizona. This is an open invitation to comment on what you see here.

The nature of recent posts isn't typical of what is generally written here and that too will change.

What's going on in Taipei?? Watch this space and we may find out.

It's always nice to hear from PA, SA & Oz. (Actually, Robin - if I do set out on that road trip I'll be heading south and wouldn't mind sharing an afternoon or a meal with you & M the elder. I notice you don't have an email address contact on 'the bogs'. Something to think about. ( a 5 - 6 hour drive you think??))

Musical Overtones

"There are no coincidences" is a fairly common saying in the rooms of AA in this area. Check this out.

Anyone who checks in here on a regular basis knows what a big part music plays in my life. With these last 10 or so days having been so emotionally loaded I've been actively avoiding listening to most of the music that I normally do. Everything is associated with the people, places and things that are nearest and dearest to me. What can I say - I'm human; I choke up and get weepy.

So, I've been doing one of three things: enjoying the silence in order to think most clearly; checking out my limited collection of classical music, (mainly the 3 B's,) to calm my thoughts; or, blasting the most aggressive head-banging thrash /punk /techno /alt I can lay hands on to drown my thoughts and go with the flow.

Yesterday I was driving along, grew tired of what I was listening to, shut it off, tired of the deafening silence and decided to turn on the radio. As I was reaching for it I had a premonition that whatever song happened to be playing was going to be significant to me and contain a message.

The Rolling Stones - You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need.

Coincidence..............I think not. And there are people out there who believe there is no God. For me he's as close as the radio tuner sometimes.

Mixed Messages

When I arrived home from work yesterday morning, Lynda was just about ready to leave for her work. We talked a bit about how the night had been and did a little check-in about how we were feeling regarding our conversation Sunday afternoon. Before she headed for the door Lynda walked over and gave me a long, hard hug, a kiss on the neck and wished me a restful sleep. As she was stepping out the door I told her that nothing was written in stone as yet; that we could still change our minds. 'Yes, I've been thinking.', she said.

Me - Confused? Yup. Hopeful? Guardedly. Exhausted? Oh, yeah. Sleep much? Nah, who needs sleep?

Into Action

A colleague asked me a week ago to speak at a meeting tonight. I was of two minds about doing it as Lynda and I had just had our first talk but when I'm asked to do things 'program' oriented, I do it. I had assumed he was simply chairing a meeting and needed a speaker. When I arrived I found out it was his 15 year medallion celebration (you get to choose who participates in your medallion meetings - designate people for each of the readings, the slogans and the speaker). Once again I'd asked permission from our manager for time off at the beginning of my shift in order to do it. Ordinarily I don't get overly nervous but as Lynda and I had just finished figuring out what we're doing, I was pretty tightly wound. I started off kind of flat but if there's one thing that gets me excited it's talking about recovery from addiction. Once I got into it I was able to put the current personal stuff out of mind and focus on the process of personality change inherent in the 12 steps. There were a half dozen current and former staff there as well as a slew of alumni from all three of our centres. The room was at capacity - probably 80 people. My talk was well received and the evening went really well. I was glad for him; great guy.

The best way to get out of 'self' is to be of service to others. Pass it on.

Here's The Story .....

......and it isn't a happy one.

I don't intend to repeatedly post about this but some of you have been kind enough to send messages of support and hope, and so, an update.

After a week of unbelievable turmoil we finally had another face-to-face Sunday afternoon and the final verdict is that it's over. Time for the lawyers. She doesn't want to try to work things out, nor get counselling, nor was she able to say that she is making a sane decision. Only that she feels driven to make this move and that her thinking hadn't changed at all over the week.

I feel handcuffed and hopeless; like my life has suddenly been hijacked by a stranger inhabiting Lynda's body. Anything I propose gets a flat 'no' response.

I can't recall a period of time in my life where I've been as single-mindedly consumed by anything for this long. My mind and emotions have been all over the map and I've come up with nothing to persuade / dissuade her. Madness.

Truth be told, I feel like putting all my possessions into storage, getting in the car and going for a very long drive.

So, that's it. An ending. New beginnings..............