Knocks

While I've managed to keep myself in a pretty positive head space there have been a succession of not-so-good things happening that are affecting my overall mood and outlook.
Apparently my boss didn't have his facts straight when he told me the amount of the raise I was to be getting. Seems there's a lack of will at head office to correct the pay situation and rather than 30% it turns out to be 8%. Once that is corrected to take care of their erroneous tax deduction system I'll be revenue neutral or negative.
The bank turned me down for a mortgage so I've put that in the hands of a mortgage broker. I should hear something on Monday about that. If that doesn't fly I have a couple of papers that I checked the ads in today for fresh leads. I also spotted an apartment for rent in a century home about a kilometer away from here that I can call about Monday.
I'm putting most of how I'm feeling down to prolonged stress, fatigue and having a few too many things going on, all at the same time. Most of the stress has been relieved but.....

I've been doing the 'do' things that are necessary to maintain sobriety; attended a mens closed discussion group at noon Friday; an open speaker meeting tonight; staying in touch with my sponsees and a couple of newcomers; reading, praying, meditating, talking program with members after meetings. Come Monday night I'm to chair our home group meeting again and I managed to line up a good speaker for it. Taking a drink isn't really a concern anymore - my only fear is complacency.

Matter of fact, after tonights meeting I met Lynda and stepson #2 at a bar nearby to hear a friend's band play. They're a straight ahead blues outfit and they're pretty damned good - they've been doing it forever. Vocalist, guitar, bass, drums, keys, sax & trumpet. I took in their first set, wished everyone a good time and split. It was good to hear some live music even if it was only for an hour. A little tonic for the soul.

Brand new day tomorrow: a little work early in the day with Lynda, a visit with Mom, a quick nap and back to work Sunday evening. Stay in touch, all!

Tangent

As the result of #2 stepsons research into the local real estate market and my disappointment with the units available for rental in this vicinity I have a call in to my contact at my bank to see if I can't be approved for an entry level amount mortgage for a townhouse or condominium. I hope to hear later on today and figure with my payment and credit history that it should fly. Wish me luck. Through #2 I know of a power of sale that's in the right price range; it'll need some work but that's to be expected. If the answer is negative I'll be back in to the search very quickly and with luck be gone very soon.

I had my first one on one session yesterday with that teen ward. That after having had a team meeting the previous day at his school with his vice principal, 4 of his teachers, a contact from a social service agency and a Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder expert who ran the session, and his foster Mom. In the presentation there was a pretty black picture being drawn so in our session I was testing, probing in an oblique way and rechecking the experts evaluation. I think she needs a more current assessment to work from because a lot of what she was proposing in terms of cognitive and memory abilities didn't hold up. He appears to operating at a higher level than what she thinks.
By the way, his isn't an addiction issue - it's early onset experimentation that we would like to change his perceptions about. Illegal and illicit, some consequence, inconsistent quality and therefore dangerous, altering mind/mood to cope with stress - other better ways of doing that.
The early part of the session took place at an indoor mini putt golf course - black lights, day-glo colours, music. I won, too - 71 to 75. Then we retired to a restaurant for a talk and while it was supposed to be a casual, get-to-know-ya, we did wind up covering some ground on issues.

One side issue to having worked so much lately is that I'm exhausted but still having trouble sleeping. This swinging shifts is for the birds. The last 2 nights I've been in bed between 9 and 10, had a few solid hours, then been awake pretty much from 3 a m onward and up around 5 because I'm bored of lying in bed.

After those few days of clear weather we've had on and off showers, high winds and at times driving rains. The flowers in the garden are sprouting well but no flowers as yet. I'm looking forward to the colours of the lilies, irises and tulips. The grasses have turned from a dun brown to glossy green and the trees have budded very quickly - bring on the leaves!

My AA friend has returned from Florida and we spent an hour talking in the parking lot after our home group meeting Monday night. It was good to get a healthy dose of his eminent sanity. He's quite a guy - he's also a member of Overeaters Anonymous and has lost a further 20 lb since Xmas for a total of 70; he looks good, better than he's ever looked in the 4+ years I've known him.

The Love Of A Child

After posting those other pictures I remarked to Lynda that because of her aversion to having her picture taken Owen will have no memory later on in life of the time they've spent together. As a result she deigned to have a couple of shots taken on Sunday when we visited Owen and his parents. It's funny in that she's a good looking woman but she's rarely photogenic - in the years we've been together there are only a handful of shots that are a good representation of how she actually looks. Here Owen shares the love with G'ma. The 'blaze' of white at the front of Lynda's hairline is natural, not dyed/bleached - and no, I'm not responsible for it's being there!!

We enjoyed a clear, warm early spring day complete with a barbequed dinner and great company including some of J & C's friends.

Regarding Change

One of the guys leaving Tuesday gave me this perspective piece tonight. He doesn't know I have this blog, nor it's name. He knows nothing of what is going on in my personal life.

'When we make decisions or experience conflict we need to look at the greater whole. The end result we want to accomplish is peace of mind. If we keep this goal in mind, we will, overall, live a happy and fulfilling life.
Everything in the world is constantly changing so we should not resist this change.
A good question to ask ourselves is, 'Would I rather be right or happy?' If we would rather be happy, then it is easier to let the little things go. If we would rather be right, we tend to look for the win/lose.'

From 'The Elder's Meditation Of The Day'.

Personally, I'd rather be both right and happy. Lately by being right in thought, word and deed I have achieved a measure of happiness.

***Those 'wishing stones' - I traded with Lynda for a day. She took 'faith' and I carried 'hope'. I came to the conclusion that so long as I have faith I will have hope anyway. If I have only hope that is all I will have.***

Stuff & Nonsense

While there've been some pretty heavy sorts of things going on, as reflected in a couple of recent posts, there have also been some positive and enjoyable things happening, too.

Mom and I had a precious hour together before I came to work Friday and I had a chance to catch up on all her news. My son Russ and I had arranged via email a mutually good time for a phone call so we burned up the long distance lines between here and Calgary for a half hour. I think that was Friday before going to Mom's. He's planning on coming to town for a couple of weeks in August and will help me celebrate my birthday before he heads home again. Just around the time he leaves I'll be going to Vancouver to visit Sarah, Daniel and their newborn son. Let them establish a routine, land and enjoy the visit. I'm already looking forward to holding a newborn again even though I get all clumsy - they're so small!!

We've been out to some really good meetings this week and heard some great speakers. This time of year is re-unification time as lots of our older members return from warmer climes in the south. Florida, Texas, Arizona, California. Our 'snowbirds' are flocking home and it's good to see old friends again. My best friend in the program should be home within the week and will be receiving a 25 year medallion in early May.

The search for housing ground to a halt late in the week and I won't have a chance to get back into that until Wednesday, possibly Thursday as I work Monday and again Tuesday into Wednesday morning. Properties that I've checked out and was expecting calls about haven't come to be.

These last few days have been a blessing weather-wise. We'd had a solid 3 - 4 weeks of cold, snowy and very wet grey weather and it seemed spring would never come. Better late than never, the skies cleared finally on Wednesday and they've stayed that way - beautiful day and night with temps having risen from single digits all the way to 20C today. Gorgeous! Mars and the waning moon were playing tag last night and I got a shot of it on my cell phone. The change has lightened every ones mood.

Lynda and I are a pair of nature nuts and we were at the dinner table the other night when she started in updating me about the various species of birds and animals she'd spotted lately. There she is getting all animated and wound up and I butt in with, 'God, you're going to miss me.' "Whatdymean?" 'Lyn, who else are you going to tell this stuff to that will care about it the way I do?' Then I went on to tell her about the 10 deer we'd seen grazing in the corn stubble of a farmers field at dusk the other night. I know I'll miss the hearing of it and the telling. Oh, and the first crane of the year flying over the house....and the swans nesting in the wetlands...the raccoon rooting for grubs in the lawn last night. See the wingspan of that hawk??

There is a side job that Lynda and I normally do each weekend; it's her gig and I help her every time I can. She's going to do it herself today and I'm going to forfeit a couple of hours sleep so we can go see Owen and his parents. We just can't wait - it's been much too long again. And the visit won't be long enough but it'll have to do. 'So it goes.' Situation normal.

I haven't gone into this in the past; there are 'surface' sorts of things that I've had to say about Lynda (as she doesn't care much to be written about, nor her picture taken) but, I guess, one thing I should say is that she has the work ethic of 'I don't know what' - a Trojan perhaps?? Often she works 6 and 7 days in a row; sometimes as many as 20 days in a row without a break. I could never fault her for not working for the things she wants - she's certainly willing to do that. We'd just gotten to a point where she could have dropped a couple of things and now she's taken on the house on her own. And she'll do it, too. Come hell or high water.

These next couple of days might be rough - I get off work in a few hours and have to be up 24 hours later having flipped my shift from night to day. Tuesday I'm back in again for a 26 hour sleepover shift and I have one admission booked as well as two discharges. Plus an afternoon meeting to run, an in-house evening meeting and Wednesday mornings staff census meeting. The two guys being discharged are a contrast; one has been fully invested in his stay, the other has been resistant throughout and is only now starting to get with it. Like night and day. But there is no predicting who will stay clean and sober. None.

I still have some things to straighten out - primarily a place to live and the move - but I like where my mind and moods are at these days. So much improved from just a couple of weeks ago and, in part, I have some of you to thank for your part in that. I hope things are going well for you wherever you are on the globe. I'm doing well; my main problem is that I still love my wife. Go figure.

Wisdom

I accused a blog friend recently of being wise way beyond her years. So savvy; so in-tune,

An unknown third party asked if I had any words of wisdom for a friend we have in common. I've held off on that as I'm aware of my limitations, the situation, context of relationship and many other things.

So, what is wisdom? Good question. I know that I seek out the advise of particular people because I value their perspective and the ways in which they apply that which they know in their own lives. Sometimes it's a conscious choice on my part to seek them out; other times I'm drawn to them. Occasionally they seem to have been placed in my path randomly but with a purpose beyond my understanding. That has happened with spine-tingling regularity; I'm very fortunate.

Even the best intentioned words can be intrusive when they aren't solicited but if I had any particular advice.......... 1) Ensure you're in care of a medical doctor or therapist (preferably one who has known you long term) who will monitor your mental condition and progress during this transition through periods of change. Be honest with them. A short course of sedative medication might still be indicated.
2) Seeming paradoxes. Retreat, rest and heal. Stay in regular, frequent contact with those closest to you. Enjoy quiet times of recollection and reflection. Talk, talk, talk. Cry whenever you feel like it. Laugh, especially when you don't feel like it. Punch pillows. Walk arm in arm. Go to church. Swim; no will know you're crying. Eat simply. Shout at God; he can take it. Treat yourself to tasty meals and desserts. Don't drink. Pray. Make love; it affirms life. Avoid music; it's a huge emotional trigger. Allow yourself time to heal; be patient as there is no timetable.
3) Don't try to make sense of the incomprehensible. Don't ask 'what if.....?'
4) There are aspects and qualities about you that are inherently and uniquely 'you'. That's why people care for you so.

I have no idea if that amounts to anything approaching wisdom but that's the best I have to offer our friend. And please don't be offended by anything written above.

So Many Questions

Even with having tried to do a little research and trying to figure some things out on my own there a couple of things that I'm understanding......not so well. Perhaps I'll be enlightened by one of you.

Site Meter - What does it mean when visit duration shows as 0:00?? Is my blog being used as a conduit / means of access to other's blogs?? Why is it that some of my regular blog friends visits don't show by map or detail?? I know where you live and by your comments or emails that you've stopped by and are current but you don't show on the listings. Remote server??

If I do a google search for constantchangeisthenorm there are entries for particular posts which I attached labels to; posts about music primarily. Technorati 'No one has claimed this blog' - what is the point of claiming a post?? Is it another sort of tracking device/platform?? Even after visiting their site I don't get it - do I get a stuffed animal for a prize? What's up with this?

Last night I was trying to upload those pictures. The first time I did it a couple of months ago I think I managed to pick that picture up from an email I'd sent to myself - copied and pasted it's i.d. to the browser from the pictures 'properties' window. Tried that last night 3 or 4 times to no avail and eventually got them from the photo disc. Not the brightest lad but I wanted to try the various ways of doing it. I'd like in future to do it straight from the camera if I'm able and if that's possible. (?) We shall see.

Me? Technologially challenged - oh, yeah. There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Visuals: Old Dog - New Trick

Here we go - another try at posting photos. I'll get this down eventually.

In this one we caught Freedom being confused; she thought for a moment that she'd become a cat and figured she'd hang out with Buddy.

This is what our yard will look like again in about 6 weeks. The grape vines fill in completely and there's about 60 metres of greenspace to the treeline.

Owen and I enjoying one anothers company; such a handsome young guy. Getting better all the time. We're supposed to be going to their place when I get up Sunday. (Lord, my forehead is getting bigger all the time)

This is one I'd like to take credit for but Lynda captured it. (dammit) Sunlight was reflected from one of our windshields and cast these shadows of ivy, chimes and bamboo across the living room wall.

The Power Of Words.........

..........and conversely, their limitations.

Something that occurs and recurs to me are the limitations of text only communication. I don't have the talent, ability, vocabulary or word craft to express myself in writing on paper or a computer screen to the extent that I would like to be able to. There are times when I find it to be an incredibly frustrating exercise, sometimes to the point where it seems pointless to try and convey what I want to say in print. Some things are just too big, too important, too personal to write about.

In those instances words need to be spoken, they need to be heard if the true complexities and shadings of meaning are to be fully conveyed. There is something intrinsically basic to understanding that comes from dialogue; the exchange and sharing of ideas, thoughts, perceptions and feelings between two people. There truly is an 'art' to conversation but to me it has a lot more to do with listening and then responding appropriately; thus attaining understanding.

A tangent perhaps but a pertinent one I think. Think of the great orators who've lived since the onset of recording technology and the speeches they are famous for. Churchill, Hitler, Kennedy, Mandela. A very different perception in reading those speeches and hearing them spoken, isn't it.

You can also extend it to the difference between face-to-face and telephone conversations. It's a very different thing when you're unable to read facial expression and body language. Your understanding can vary considerably when you take those things out of the equation.

But back to the original idea - effective communication. We are human and therefore are blessed with the ability to, and sometimes cursed by the need to, communicate. There are things I wish to say; they are tied to talent, ability, intuition, empathy, values, ethics, beliefs, education and personal experience. We are sometimes, due to circumstance, effectively gagged and unable to begin the dialogue. Someone has to start it.

Sorry to speak in abstraction and generalities; it's necessary.

Anonymous

Thanks for your message; I share your concern. I've done what I can reasonably do and may have overstepped boundaries in having done so. I hope not. I'm willing to go to any length to help but it's out of my hands. The concerned parties remain in my prayers.

If you'd like to correspond just add me to your contact list at the same email address as opposed to replying to a post; at heyimtheluckyone@hotmail.com.

Feelin' Good

It's been quite awhile since I've been able to say that all round, I feel good. It's nice to feel rested, energized, relaxed and healthy. I had a relatively short but very deep sleep today; so deep that I was unaware of some heavy paving equipment working next door. The rest seems to have bled the tension and soreness out of my muscles and I'm left feeling an abundance of energy. I'm back mentally and emotionally, too - acuity and stability wise - and it's made a difference dealing with our clients.

We have one fellow here who has a historic brain injury that affects his short-term memory. He was expressing his worries about whether he'll be able to get full benefit from his stay here in light of his problem. With a little research I think I've come up with a strategy and a few techniques that should make all the difference for him to enjoy a lasting recovery. It'll involve a bit of extra work on my part to supply him with some tools for him to take away with him but I think it'll be well worth it.

Out meeting went ahead as planned today regarding the teen ward. I had 15 minutes with my contact before it started to review some things, then the 4 of us discussed a broad overview of treatment planning options and expectations for about a half hour before bringing the young guy in. We got him involved in some of the planning and made some arrangements about our next meeting and how frequent they would be. We ended up riding back to his house together and getting to know one another a bit on the way before a quick in-home visit. He exhibits some of the features and traits of FAS and is medicated for ADHD.

When that wrapped up I nipped home for a quick dinner with Lynda, had a few laughs and got some positive things said. We'd been at a local flea market a couple of weeks ago and stopped to visit one of the vendors, Earl, who sells a selection of rocks and crystals. He had a new basket on the counter with a variety of inscribed stones in it - 'wishing stones'. They must be popular because he had just 3 left and I picked two of them out; I gave 'hope' to Lynda and kept 'faith'. We held them and gave each other 'knocks' - punched our fists together - and had both left the stones on our night tables so they'd be the last things we saw at night and first in the morning. Yesterday before Lynda left for work I got hers and asked that she carry it in her pocket for the day and to let me know how she felt about it at days end. She says she liked the way it bumped against her as she moved about the office, that it served as a positive reminder that we still have good feelings between us and that there is hope for resolution. 'Never say die cuz I ain't dead yet.'; so sez Norm. I may be a lovesick broken-hearted fool but I'm not stupid. Whatever works to keep her thinking.

Diet

My body weight has been impacted of late; it has dipped below 130 lb a couple of times in these last few weeks. I'm taking some steps to address that including making a point of eating at least 3 times a day, plus using meal replacement drinks, snacking at will on cereal, fruits, seeds, nuts and yogurt. I'm not concerned about fat content, concentrating mainly on balancing protein with veggies and starches. Avoiding salt, pushing fluids, taking a multi-vitamin supplement. If I'm able to maintain the food intake and work in some light exercise I should be able to get back into the low 140's pretty soon. That'll be alright spread over a 5'11' frame, I think.

Good News

I was starting to think that this part-time counselling work was not going to happen. There have been a few obstacles to be overcome but I received word tonight that there is a meeting scheduled with the case worker, foster mother, my contact person and myself for late tomorrow afternoon. The anticipation has been killing me; I've been chafing at the bit to get things underway. Here we go!! I have lots of ideas that I want to put into practice and it'll be interesting to see how things play out.

When that wraps up I'm to check out an apartment that a friend has and wants to share. The only problem is that it's fully furnished and I'd have to put most of my belongings into storage. The location is great, quality is very good and the price is affordable so I'll have to weigh the options - see what storage would cost.

Daughter Sarah returned a call earlier tonight and we spent a sweet half hour catching up on all the news. Monday happened to mark their (she and Daniel's) first anniversary since they started going out together and Daniel's parents had taken them out for a celebratory dinner. Sarah had been to her doctor earlier in the day and the baby is coming along fine and strong. She was saying that when the baby stretches you're able to see the movement tracing across her belly now. Her weight continues to fluctuate up and down but at least she isn't feeling continuously ill - says she only puked twice yesterday as though it's a major accomplishment. Beats the heck out of 8 or 10, I guess. Daniel got on the line for the last few minutes and he's a blast; we laughed our asses off. I'm looking forward to finally meeting him in person. They're just a five hour flight away.....sigh.

I called Lynda out on a couple of things she'd said and done lately; gave her proper hell really and then left her to think on it while I got cleaned up to come to work. I left the house with a hug, a kiss, an apology and best wishes for a good night. Being as I'm generally a pretty non-confrontational sort where it comes to the really sticky stuff I think that was a pretty good outcome. It beats stewing over issues and stuffing the emotions down. Clarity.

Of the CD's I've had a chance to listen to the only one I'm not too sure about so far is Appalachian Journey. On the first playing it seemed a fresh take on something old but second time through it also seemed a 'sterile' classical representation of music that should be livelier, looser and have more swing to it. Maybe it was the mood I was in - I'll have to put it on again and see how it sits.

Indulgence

Pssstt.......don't tell anyone but, I have a new favourite shop in town. I think I'd mentioned previously about a used CD/DVD shop I'd been to; I've been back twice this week. All my CD's and tapes have been packed for a few weeks and this place has dropped their prices to $2 and $4 per disc. I couldn't resist. Usual retail pricing for current releases here is between $18 and $25 so I went a little nuts and came away with a very mixed bag of nuts. Check this out; some require a bit of explanation.

DVD version of D.A. Pennebaker's documentary - Bob Dylan 'Don't Look Back' from 1965's 3 week tour of of England.

CDs - 'The Best Of John Coltrane'; recordings taken from a 1963 European tour. Jazz giant saxophonist. It's thanks to people like him who pushed the musical envelop that we've enjoyed much of the music that has come our way in the last 50 years.

Marc Johnson 'Shades of Jade' - current jazz as opposed to 'modern' which I believe implies a certain period in the development of jazz. A 2005 release - a 6 piece band including John Scofield on guitar.

'Appalachian Journey' which brings together three of the greatest players of stringed instruments ever; Yo-Yo Ma - cello, Edgar Meyer - upright bass, and Mark O'Connor - violin, with guest appearances by James Taylor - guitar and vocals, and Alison Krauss - violin and vocals. An unlikely fusion and blurring of classical, folk and bluegrass that works. Released on Sony Classical label.

The debut release by Canada's own Jesse Cook, 'Tempest' from 1995. Strongly rooted in flamenco with 'world' influences he's one of the world's premier guitarists. It was one of Cook's subsequent releases that was the deciding factor in buying the Bose surround system; it was playing on the in-store demo system and I was hooked by the sound.

I happened on a few greatest hits compilations -
John Prine 'Anthology' disc two includes a number of 'live' versions; Souvenirs w/ Steve Goodman; Angel From Montgomery w/ Bonnie Raitt.

The John Lennon Collection which covers his solo career and his work with Yoko Ono. Powerful.

Disc Four of Led Zepplin's box set which has some my favourites from their later work; Nobody's Fault But Mine, I'm Gonna Crawl, Moby Dick, In The Evening.

Roxy Music / Bryan Ferry 'Street Life'; a look back at 70's and 80's glitter / early alt. 20 tracks including Avalon and Love Is The Drug.

Mary Chapin Carpenter's 'Party Doll and Other Favourites'. Mary's intentional departure from formula greatest hits packages incorporates a number of live performances from various venues, film and TV. When I see her name on anything I just pick it up - it's like the 'Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval' - I know it will be better than any expectation I may have.

Then, 'Musicology' by Prince from 2004. Haven't had a chance to listen yet but he rarely disappoints. He always has a new spin on things. He's been living on this side of the border for the last few years just west of Toronto. Good to have him.

No Quarter: Jimmy Page and Robert Plant Unledded. A surprisingly successful collaboration by these two ex-Zep's. Jimmy's playing is pretty inspired on most tracks and Plant's voice was still holding up - hmmm 1994; doesn't seem that long ago.

'Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe' - All former Yes & King Crimson members (I think). I expect it'll be heavy, light, dense, thin, intricate and layered.

On top of all that a former client brought me a VHS biography of Bob Marley's ' Time Will Tell' which I thoroughly enjoyed watching Saturday night. Plus, he burned me copies of Marley's 4 disc compilation 'Songs Of Freedom'. If you've ever doubted his musical genius and wordcraft, all you have to do is give this a listen. Everything I have of his is on vinyl so, I hadn't listened to it for ages - I'd forgotten just how political many of his songs are.

For about $50 I managed to get a fix of music that is almost entirely new to me. Aural nourishment. Now for some chocolate...........

Housing Search

I've checked out quite a number of apartments this week, mostly in the same price range. and have found it surprising the disparity in quality of what is being offered for rent. There have been a couple of older ones that have been long term rentals (20 years) and look like the owners haven't put a dollar back into the properties. I wouldn't leave our pets there never mind take up residence myself. The shortlist came down to two that are newer homes; basement apartments that have walk-outs to the yard. They're both bright, open, clean, finished and freshly painted. The one I wanted most I heard about last night - the present tenant has changed their mind and wants to stay on another few months. They're hanging on to my contact numbers.

There isn't any time pressure to move from here but can't see maintaining how we're getting along for that length of time. To wait out this tenant's time frame would put things in limbo. I could leave my stuff here, operate from my Mom's and move later or store my stuff so Lynda can make a fresh start. We shall see. I'm to hear about my second choice on Sunday. In the meantime I have to keep looking at what is available - it's a crap-shoot. Come on sevens!

I'm hoping to take a time-out this afternoon to check out the opening of a display of photographs at a local gallery. There was an article in the local paper last night that caught my eye and it looks like a 'must see'. It's also a chance to get re-acquainted with the curator; I used to volunteer there helping with installations of new shows - must be 15 or 20 years ago now. Wow. Time flies.

Must go - too many much tings to do, mon.

Loss

One of my on-line blog friends has suffered a sudden, devastating loss. A prayer for those who grieve may help.

Perspective

Some things that I'd been reading the other night managed to stick in my mind and continue to rattle around. I don't know if they'll mean much to you but they give me valuable perspective. They are taken from 'Daily Reflections' and 'As Bill Sees It' (Bill W. - co-founder of AA with Dr Bob) ; I've taken the liberty of adding a couple of words. (only a couple!!)


'The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails.'

'I've come to realize that the more willing I am to act (and think) differently, the better my life will be. The more I'm willing to do for others, the more rewards I will receive. Being a little kinder, a little slower to anger, taking offence less quickly, more ready to forgive and a little more loving makes my life better a little at a time.'

'When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I must remember that growth is often painful; and that pain to be expected.'

'.....all people are emotionally ill to some extent. Who among us is spiritually perfect? ...physically perfect? How could any of us be emotionally perfect? Therefore, what else are we to do but bear with one another and treat each other as we would be treated in similar circumstances. This is what love and care and mutual respect are.'

For what it's worth, ideas such as these make my life better. They might be self evident to others but I need to be reminded from time to time.

Hope

When I logged on I noticed that this will be my 100th post (although I've deleted a couple over time). So, thanks for sticking around for the ride; things can only get better. I don't know why but gonzo journalist Hunter S Thompson's quote comes to mind, 'When the going gets weird, the weird get going'. That's pretty much what this last 6 weeks has been like; waking up on acid and not coming down - Alice in the looking glass experience.

But enough of that. I've been out looking at various apartments and largely I've been really disappointed. One that I went to see after dinner last night put me into a short lived funk - it was part of a run down century home that had been constantly rented out for the last 20 years and hadn't had a dime put back into it. And the amount of rent they wanted!!!! My feelings are pretty raw these days and that put me into a brief teary eyed despair.

UNTIL, that is, I arrived at the next one. It's the basement of a young couple's new home and it's bright, open concept, completely finished and very home-like. I made a good impression and called them back once I'd arrived back home to emphasize that this was where I wanted to be. There's a good amount of space for me, it's private and there is a good deal of storage space for those things that I don't use on a regular basis. The property is similar to ours; theirs backs on a shallow ravine and riverbed - a good place for walks. They have a 2 yr old daughter, Chloe, and a chocolate brown Lab who is friendly and well trained. They don't make their decision until Saturday so I must keep looking in the meantime.

Weather note: cold, grey, rainy. A big system out the American Midwest. At least we don't have to shovel it and we rarely get tornadoes here. Lord, bring on some sun and warmer temps, please!??!

I hope everything is going well for you out there in blogland. Later!!

Odds & Ends

When I headed outside with my coffee and cigarette this a.m. I was greeted by a couple of the local hawks doing their aerial dance over the greenspace in back of the house. A very nice way to start off the day.

Work was good yesterday, particularly the morning meeting. I don't know if it was the material we covered but the guys were much more into it then than in the afternoon session. Sometimes they get loggy after lunch and yesterday was one of them. My usual work on nights is seen as an entry level position and the pay is awful; poverty level. During lunch my boss told me that as the result of an agency review (and some campaigning on his part) I am getting what amounts to a 30% raise in pay. (now if they'd only make it retroactive!!) It'll make it easier for all these changes to take place and I may be able to stay there doing the job for another while, while I sort out the part-time work opportunities.

Speaking-of: That ward took off from foster care for a few days but is back in care again at an assessment centre. There's to be a meeting today or tomorrow to plan treatment options and what part I may play in that process.

I looked at one apartment in the north central part of town on Monday - a basement. It's about as big as my family room here at the house with everything crammed into that space. Kitchen, living room and bedroom; about 14 X 30 feet. With adjoining bath and laundry. It's clean but small and ill-lit. I'm off to look at another one about 30 kilometers east of here tonight which I'm hoping will suit me better. It's a newer house, another basement but with a walk-out to the yard which backs onto a ravine. It should be much brighter and hopefully higher ceilings.

Owen didn't make it out for Easter; his parents had some unexpected work conflicts and car troubles. I don't think this weekend is possible either; we have a couple of things going on. We have to find a way to make that visit happen soon as we're in major Owen withdrawal.

Lynda and I spent a good portion of Sunday and Monday together and things were fine. We had Mom out to do some running around the shops - she thinks we are completely nuts; I don't blame her. In order for the house title to be transferred into Lynda's name there has to be a formal separation agreement in place so, she had that appointment yesterday and it sounds like it's going through as we discussed. There better not be any surprises. Neither of us felt like cooking last night so Lynda took me for dinner at the pub down the street.

Anyone want to comment on gas/petrol prices?? With the various oil crises and a local refinery fire our prices have been abound the $1.04/liter range for weeks. What that translates to per gallon I'm not sure - I know it's a lot. It sure sucks the money out of your pocket in a hurry.

I haven't taken the time to check in on my regular blog friends but I will soon. Right now I'd best stop lazing around and get on with the day.

Appreciating The Differences

Bad times are just like good ones; they don't last. Thank God. Looking back over the week I can't believe the changes in physical health, lowered mental activity, improved mood and overall outlook. I've received some more messages of encouragement that have given me new insight and different perspective on things. Thought provoking. There are no coincidences.

I did run into Audrey at our outside meeting last night and she told me that she'd prayed for a good outcome for us after we'd last spoken. That sometimes she meets someone through AA that she finds a real connection with and that I'm one of them. Bless her; she likes my direct but calm demeanor. She embodies the best qualities of long-term quality sobriety and sets a standard for the rest of us to try to attain.

Sarah just called and she's been feeling a little better and has gained 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks. My night is over. So long.

Spare Time

With it being an early onset to the weekend most of the staff cleared out early. Our bosses didn't even have to come in as it was a statutory holiday. We're experiencing a blip in the number of clients in-house; we're at only half capacity. There were a number who chose not to show for admission this week. One last run over the long weekend perhaps. In any case, it means a lighter workload for me and I was able to get my work out of the way quickly. It gave me an opportunity for some one-on-one time with a couple of guys who are struggling with portions of the program that have been presented to them. The guys settled quickly for the night and the phones have been strangely quiet so I've taken advantage and banged off a slew of emails.

Most of them have been in response to job leads or accommodation but there was one rather lengthy one to my blog buddys that said what needed to be said. Kudos. Actually, this is the most peaceful I've felt in a very long time; I should take a few minutes to appreciate that.

When I get up Saturday I'm heading to Mom's as my older brother Dave is in from up north. I'm passing some tools on to him that I inherited from Dad. I don't expect to have room for them and they might as well be being used. There will be time for a very quick visit before coming back to work.

We head out on the bus Saturday night to a local meeting where I hope to see my 'girlfriend' Audrey. She's 87 years of age and will celebrate 50 years of continuous sobriety in July. Grounded, wise, sensible, sensitive and funny. We were standing, talking the other night and she gave me an elbow in the ribs and said,' There's no love like old love, you know.' Then she laughed like hell and gave my shoulder a squeeze. What a doll. She was saying that she and her husband had marital problems when they were new in AA and struggling to stay sober. She came to the realization that they were both sick people but he seemed a little sicker than she. If he were to recover she needed to love him harder than ever and in doing so she got well. So did he. Lucky man.

By the time I get up Sunday L'il Owen and his parents will have arrived for a visit. When we've talked on the phone lately he's in such a hurry to say what's on his mind that he runs everything together and you can't make out what he's trying to say. Hopefully he'll slow down and relax when we're together so I can understand him. It's been way too long between visits again.

My boss has asked me to work a relief dayshift on Tuesday so I'm hoping I can get my internal clock turned around in a hurry. You know, so I'm cognizant of which planet I'm on and which end is up.........all that sort of stuff. And be able to properly run meetings, make sense of the incomprehensible....

The weather!!! Looks like we're in for a late spring as the cold continues to sweep down from the north. We keep getting light dustings of snow - nothing that'll last, but not far to the north they've got a foot of fresh snow. On TV last night they were showing the map of the US and all of Canada and the only warm temperatures were on the west coast. Incredibly large system. What's all this about global warming anyway??

Intervention

I'm looking forward to beginning work next week with that teen ward. It's got the noggin in gear again formulating a plan of attack. Assessment and drug history, placement on the continuum of addiction, determining where he is in the 'stages of change', building a personal profile and family history, educational component re drug use and suspension of personality development/maturation, presentation of options, trigger identification, impulse management, recreational alternatives, goal setting, team building...........and on.....and on.

It'll be interesting trying to engage someone that young (14) in the process.

If I had one wish it would be that drugs weren't so readily available.

Prohibition and law enforcement aren't working.

More Music Notes

As I've been packing I've been gathering music from all corners of the house. The music gets spread around when there are two main sound systems (Bose and NAD) plus a couple of other CD and cassette players about. Tonight I brought quite a selection to work and I've been listening to a treasure that had gone missing for a while.

John Prine is one of America's premier singer/songwriters who typically gets slotted into the 'folkie' category. His talents as a songwriter range far beyond any sort of label; he's a chronicler of the human condition and experience. John is able to do that with a healthy dose of humour and irony. I had the pleasure of seeing him in concert about 20 years ago when he played at Toronto's Massey Hall.

The release I've listened to tonight is 1999's 'In Spite Of Ourselves', which is a selection of old country duets performed with a number of female country artists from yesteryear (mainly; oops - except Emmylou, Trisha Yearwood, Patty Loveless and John's sister Fiona) The CD has 16 tracks and like any really good country album, it contains a whole world of hurt. John included just one song of his own; the title track. Particularily recommended is 'I Know One' performed with Emmylou Harris; beautiful fiddle and steel pedal guitar work. Plus I relate to the lyrics, fool that I am.

If I'm recalling the reports correctly John has spent the last few years in Galway, Ireland. Next time he passes through town on tour I intend to be there soaking it up.

New Directions

I spent quite a while last night reviewing from the beginning all that I've written here and out of that I've determined a few things.

1) These last 5 weeks have been the toughest times I've ever experienced and writing here has been an important safety valve for me. There are a lot of more personal details involved that I needn't (and shouldn't) disclose here. All that's been going on has taken up most of my time and attention but it's time to lay off that whole thing and just get on with it.

2) Many thanks to my blog mates for your many supportive and encouraging messages. Your friendship means a lot to me.

3) Work. While I love working here at this location, as well as my peers and immediate superiors, and our clients, it's clear that it's time to move on. There are a whole range of reasons behind that but bottom line, I need out. Whether it's another addiction treatment facility or mental health or special populations I need to spread my wings and apply my talents to something greater in order to grow. Regular working hours would be nice, too.

4) Constant Change: When it's a well-ordered, progressive evolution of processed thought and action; that's a good thing. When it's change for change sake, random, uncaring and thoughtless; that's dangerous. Reminds me of the time I took a blotter of acid and went to the fairground to enjoy the midway rides. I remember laughing a lot but it was mostly from fear and dread.

5) Music. Like everyone else I have my tastes and while I don't want or expect to influence anyone else's, I'll continue to share about the bands, artists and songs that strike me as being particularly great.

6) I have much more to learn and intend to pick up a course or two - maybe one short one over the summer and a couple of regular ones come fall semester. One of those should be just for fun. Hmmm...maybe music???? art therapy??(whatdyathink Kel)?

Lots more to consider.................

Everything Else

Insult to injury - In this country, the amount of income tax you pay is interdependent on your spouses income so we had our taxes prepared last week. Lynda owes an additional $700 and me, another $1000. Just what we needed.

Stepson #1, his wife and l'il Owen were supposed to come out last Sunday. They cancelled when they learned late Saturday that a friend had tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head with a nail-gun. He remains in a coma, on life support and is unlikely to regain consciousness. 34 years old.

Stepson #2 has been pre-approved for a mortgage and is busily looking for property he can afford. He has spoken to me more in the last month than he has in the last year.

Stepson #3 moved out last week; he couldn't stand the chaos anymore. Just as well. He's a noisy, sloppy high strung sort of guy who was adding to the tension. We remain on good terms.

Not one of the 3 of them can understand their mother and what she's doing. Period.

I have a meeting tonight before work to get the necessary information to take on that young client. There is some paperwork to hand over, credentials to be checked, agreements to sign, his case file to review. I'm looking forward to the change and challenge. It has my mind back where it's supposed to be; helping others. It involves 10 hours per week of one-on-one counselling specific to his addiction.

There was a return message when I got up today from another local mental health agency in response to a CV submission. I have to call him back when I get up Tuesday to see what's up. I'm hoping they can use me even if it's only on a part-time basis; it'd be a foot in the door.

With a little luck, preparation, work and application of technique I'll have my smoking reduced again quickly. And that may last until week's end when Lynda and I are in one anothers company again. Focus, focus, focus. Kudos to Susan at callinitquits.com for her rich compendium of resources, tips and techniques. Mutual encouragement and support definitely help. Some day that 'one a day' will be your last. (Soon)

Bitch, bitch, bitch

After the house had been listed for almost a week, Lynda decided to apply for a mortgage and see if she couldn't keep the house. It was for an increased amount so as to buy me out. She came away from the interview feeling disheartened; that she had little chance of getting it. She didn't hear anything that day and by the time I left the house around noon the next day she was about ready to climb the walls. I returned at 3 and heard the loan officer at the bank had called to say she'd been approved. Because Lynda had downplayed the possibility so thoroughly, I was absolutely stunned. The realty agent was already on her way over to cancel the listing and with a great deal of reluctance, I signed off on it. (She was incredibly gracious about it, not charging us anything due to circumstance.)

So, I'm loosing a wife I still love and want to keep. A home I don't want to move from. A big chunk of identity; husband to suddenly single; homeowner to tenant; and on, and on....

In exchange I get a fairly sizable sum of cash. (Thud) A large empty cavity where my heart used to be. (Gack) And a brain that's been through the blender. (Hmmm...messy)

Now I do have the option of dwelling on all that; or not. I'm choosing not to - how successful I'll be, time will tell. Because, on the other hand, I am free to go anywhere and do anything I wish.

I need to start figuring out what my life may be like from this point on.

Soulspace

If George Harrison was born to write and perform any particular song, this is it. 'Marwa Blues' from his posthumous release 'Brainwashed'. You're able to hear snatches of influence right from his earliest teen ukulele playing, through the Beatles years, his years of sitar study at the knee of Ravi Shankar and his solo career with his signature guitar sound. This instrumental is an emotional journey that takes you from yearning and attaining, to loss and sorrow, to renewal, hope and contentment. Brilliant. Beautiful production by Jeff Lynne (of ELO and Travelling Wilbury's fame).

Rollercoaster

There has been way too much happen over the last week to even start to relate it here. So much that it's one big blur of raw emotion and over-charged thinking. I might get to the main points tomorrow night but I'll warn you now; it ain't good news.

Here's the short list of good news.

A former client, who lives not too far from our place, and who just joined my home group has offered me a room and the main floor of his townhome to furnish as my own. We hit it off when he was in treatment and continue to get on well. He's still early in recovery and had a very brief but recent relapse though.

I dropped my CV off on Saturday to another former client who works in social services. He came to the meeting we were at last night and offered me work counselling a very young addict (14) who is in care of the Children's Aid Society fostering services. In the hours since, he has forwarded some information via email and we're to hash out the details before I head to bed in the morning. It isn't a great deal of money but it's valuable experience and a new direction. Opportunity out of crisis.

I've had to use reading glasses for about the last 10 years and had gotten really sick of putting them on, taking them off, loosing them, finding them. I picked up my first pair of bifocals last week and am really disappointed. My distance vision is better without them; the focus distance for reading is so short and narrow (left to right) that using them is a real struggle. Getting used to them will take some time I think.

Seeing as how we're getting rid of our land-line phoneline, I got a cell phone (too) last week. I've had them before and never got into the habit of using them. I got the latest Samsung model and seem to have finally found one that I like. There is one line on the screen that you can 'personalize' so I punched in the caption - 'Change Is Good'. There's nothing like a little brainwashing each time you open the phone.

Not so good news. Cigarettes have become my very best friends again, dammit! I was maintaining so well for the longest time but this past week did me in and I'm right back to a pack or more a day. They've been my 'time-out', mental health break, respite and energy booster when exhausted and overwrought.

Lynda is now giving me mixed messages which make things even more confusing; that we're to look at this as a separation that we may be able to resolve but she's already started living as though she's single. Not a good thing. That duality doesn't work for me.

And Lynda's drinking pattern has changed - more; more frequently; for longer at a time. Personality changes. Physical impacts. She isn't connecting the dots regarding what she's doing and the path I took.

She took last week off work to help pack and clean and we talked more, about more issues, things that I had no idea were on her mind. Mindblowing. And she says I don't talk enough. Hah! We cried more last week than we have in the 13 years we've been together. And comforted each other, too.

I've been hanging on for dear life to my ideals, values and spiritual connection. I'm no saint but I've been engaging in frequent prayer on a daily basis; applying the Serenity Prayer to specific situations; reading St Francis of Assisi's prayer to remind myself of the sort of person I aim to be. Reading all sorts of perspective pieces so that I can continue to aim high in regard to thought, word and deed. It would be so easy not to........but I couldn't live with the guilt, bitterness and remorse that would cause.

Enough for now; my brain hurts and someone has stolen my heart.